#1:
Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
(Jon throws "BASICALLY A FACT IN BROAD TERMS" onto screen)
Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination
Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?!
Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well I suggest 你 read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming 或者 killing and it called the Holy Bible an- (pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible) (whispery).. Oh no... that book-that book done got that.
#2:
Jon: We're here to watch, Howling ll, your sisters a werewolf.
Sister: JON! How could 你 say that about me?!
Jon: Whatever, you're going through puberty, it's normal!
#3:
Penny: Drugs can get 你 in big trouble. 你 can go to principal's office, 或者 go to jail.
Jon: There's a pretty big jump between those two.
Penny: 你 can't watch TV 或者 eat pizza.
Jon: I'm out. No pizza? Can't watch TV, can't eat pizza? Go to jail? Can't eat pizza? Won't do 'em.
Penny: Recess is good. Hamsters are good.
Jon: Hamsters are goo...? Hamsters are good? How are..? Penny, you're getting off track.
#4:
Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if 你 wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
Jon: (Puzzled look)
Woman: I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
Jon (sarcastically): Nice one guys, sick metaphor. 你 slipped it right in. I can't believe how smart 你 were for 写作 that.
#5:
Nitro: ARE 你 READY TO RPG?!
Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
Jon: Well if 你 say so!
(Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
(Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed 由 a building exploding)
#6:
JonTron: Let's celebrate. Yeah! Ugly people never win! That's the moral of the story, guys!
#7:
JonTron: Oh geez. Oh darn it. They got fat.
#8:
Jon: Oh, now that's cool I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) Annnnnd, It's gone! It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...
#9:
When Ice's character sees a pretty girl on a horse, he, for whatever reason decides to jump his motorbike over the fence to greet her, scaring the horse enough to knock her off. Understandably enraged that he nearly killed her, she punches him which Ice respondes 由 saying ''"what's your problem!?"
Jon: Yeah what's your problem!? 你 表演 like I just jumped a fence on a motorcycle making 你 fall off your horse, and nearly break your spine! What are you, some kinda, (draws rectangle with hands) some kinda square?!
#10:
Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
(A hand comes out of nowhere and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!
#11:
Jon: FLEX TAPE! Okay, 你 heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have 你 heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!!
#12:
Phil: (grunting with each stab) That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE
Phil: That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's not that much damage, really, Phil. That's not—it could be worse...
#13:
Jon: Dude, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon: No, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon (now 更多 angry): Dude, 你 are number one!
Sergio: No, 你 are number one!
Jon: M***, 你 ARE NUMBER ONE!
Sergio: [visibly Corpsing] NO, M***, 你 ARE NUMBER ONE!
Jon: I WILL F*** KILL YOU!!!
#14:
Jon: But anyways, this 伏特加 is very special. Mainly because Dan Aykroyd is uh, 100% butt-fuck insane.
#15:
Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Four 分钟 and fifty six seconds! That's four 分钟 and fifty-six 秒 this man took to say the word 伏特加 in this commercial about VODKA!
#16:
Gwyneth: This is the shiiiit!
Jon: Don't curse, Gwyneth-(a train horn goes off in the distance) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't curse, Gwyneth.
#17:
In video, guy starts fanboying at seeing Elijah Wood on the plane
Jon: Aw dude, (camera zooms into guy 下一个 to Elijah) That's a sweet hat!
#18:
Nito (gets disturbingly close to the girls)
Debbie: We're...
Macie: Just leaving:
Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!
#19:
Ben: That's a fake. That's not my sister.
Jenny: Ben I know those people.
Jon: PROOF!!!
#20:
anilla Ice: So what's it like?
Girl: What's what like?
Ice: 你 know, having.. Parents.. Brothers.. All that, stuff.. Y'know?
Jon (dressed as alien): I am simply asking a normal human 问题 out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN!!!
#21:
Jon (singing): BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL THE CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN!!!
(later)
Jon (singing): PLAAAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN "WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE", WAIT, WHY DID THAT GUY JUST BLOW SMOKE OUT OF HIS FACE?! THAT'S WEIRD... When 你 die in the game, 你 die in real life, except ya don't, 你 go back to your dorm and play some GTA V!!
#22:
Dad character: My real name, is Hacket.. James Anthony Hackett, Jimmy.
Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited 由 an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear 或者 unsee that.
#23:
Jon: We get it, Rareware! 你 used to be cool! Can-can 你 get on with it? STOP!.. STOP IT!.. STOP TAUNTING ME!
#24:
"STOP!!"
#25:
Jon: Cars?.. Cars!?.. CAAAAARS!?
Jon: (scream singing) AND IIIIIIIII!!
Jon: (normal) 冬青, 冬青树 S***!!
Jon: (scream singing) WILL ALWAYS 爱情 YOOOOOUU!!
Jon: (normal) CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME!? GODDAMMIT!, HOW CAN 你 DO THIS TO ME!?!?
#26:
Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window)
#27:
Jon: ...the fuck am I looking at right now? Am I looking at 你 dreaming about being at the 海滩 while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!
#28:
Jon: And let me tell ya, that's not the only talking cat I got in this house. And no, 由 the way, I am not referring to Talking Tom.
(Cut to a picture of Talking Tom and Angela, all with screaming in the background. Zooms into Tom's face, then zooms into Tom and Angela's hands.)
#29:
Phil: Vroom, vroom! Beep '! Beep beep!
Chris: Why do 你 always do that, dad?
Jon: Yeah, dad, every 日 with this shit, I'm sittin' here, readin' my book, 你 waltz in the door make a car noise at me, I'm supposed to like it? (Begins putting on a large bib) Well fuck 你 dad, honestly, if it was a choo-choo train noise, maybe I would laugh, but a car noise? What do I look like to you, some sorta big baby?! (Puts a pacifier in his mouth and starts shaking a rattle)
#30:
Susan: Just help me find my shoes, okay? 或者 I won't feed 你 this week.
Jon: (With additional reverb) What a big happy family we got here.
#31:
After wandering around for the entire movie, Duffy finally makes a contribution to the plot...by immediately getting run over 由 a car.
Jon: (long moment of horrified silence) ...Well that cat ain't talking no more, I'll tell ya that much.
#32:
In response to Luther, "like a normal person", handing out flyers to everyone in his office that he isn't doing Christmas, Jon wonders who would actually care. Cut to two employees (one played 由 Jon) getting 说 flyers.
Employee 1 (Jon): I’m letting 你 know I‘ll be, skipping Christmas… (shakes with tranquil fury, crumbles paper)
Employee 2: (calmly, to himself) Go ahead... Run... But we will find you.
#33:
After Luther (rather rudely) explains why he isn't buying a 圣诞节 tree,
Jon: Yeah fuck 你 for trying to celebrate the spirit of 圣诞节 while making my life 安全 warm and convenient!! (slams down 圣诞节 tree)
Jon (while pissing on the tree) How's this for a Merry Christmas, 你 bunch a' young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit?!
#34:
Luther sees cruise ad, smiles to himself.
Jon (spits) Fuck christmas! I’ll rather drink my own urine than celebrate christmas! (to viewer) Thanks for watching my 圣诞节 special everyone, be 安全 (spits)
#35:
Jon: Okay. One.
Jacques: What even.
Jon: I counted 你 in—
Jacques: Go to fucking hell.
#36:
Judge: 你 weren't happy being the youngest. 你 didn't accuss the way things were, role the clip.
Matt in clip: Reality, who needs it, I hate reality.
17 LIFE SENTENCES
5 LETHAL INJECTIONS
10 DECADES OF FAMILIAL SHAMING
Jon: The moral of this story is "Never think, 或者 else the secret police might catch 你 and kill 你 no matter what!”
#37:
Matt: Endorse? Endorse what?!
Jon (as Matt): I thought sports were played outdorse.
#38:
Jon: (cheerfully) Oh, Larry. 你 jus- a- st- you're a fucking asshole.
#39:
Game: This takes place Steptember.
Jon: What a relief, it’s not even the scary month.
Game corrects it to October.
Jon (horrified) OH, DAT'S THE ONE!!!
#40:
Girl in game: From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?
Guy in game: That’s the fifth time you['ve] asked!
Jon: Yeah, well, maybe it'd be the last time if 你 just fucking told me!
#41;
Jon: It's 圣诞节 time. A time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby 耶稣 over here! How 你 enjoying your birthday, buddy? enjoy it while 你 can, I mean they do some "fucked up" shit to you! Like, they fuck 你 up, dude.
#42:
"What else could ever happen to us, today?”
Jon: Lady, 你 just got turned into a horse! I'm 'onna say sky's the limit!
#43:
"HOW 你 LIVIN' CHICKEN BOY?"
Jon (dressed as a chicken): Well first of all, that insult could've used some work. 秒 of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like 你 to cut someone like me deeper...Well, 你 must have problems yourself buddy, so I feel bad for you. (whips out a nunchuck and begins swinging it around awkwardly) AND HOW FUCKING DARE 你 SAY THAT TO ME I'M GONNA MAKE 你 FOR-REGRET THOSE GODDAMN WORDS!!
#44:
Snow White: This is my song. I am 唱歌 it now.
Jon: Aw, sick lyrics, dude! Sick song! (Jon pulls a lighter out of his pocket and starts waving it back and forth)
#45:
Jon in Elsa's dress.
THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAKE!!!
#46:
L.O.G.: In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 你 JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
Jon: HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY "THIS" TEDIOUS! (cut to black) (Jon's voice far away) HOLY SHIT!!!
Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
(Jon throws "BASICALLY A FACT IN BROAD TERMS" onto screen)
Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination
Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?!
Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well I suggest 你 read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming 或者 killing and it called the Holy Bible an- (pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible) (whispery).. Oh no... that book-that book done got that.
#2:
Jon: We're here to watch, Howling ll, your sisters a werewolf.
Sister: JON! How could 你 say that about me?!
Jon: Whatever, you're going through puberty, it's normal!
#3:
Penny: Drugs can get 你 in big trouble. 你 can go to principal's office, 或者 go to jail.
Jon: There's a pretty big jump between those two.
Penny: 你 can't watch TV 或者 eat pizza.
Jon: I'm out. No pizza? Can't watch TV, can't eat pizza? Go to jail? Can't eat pizza? Won't do 'em.
Penny: Recess is good. Hamsters are good.
Jon: Hamsters are goo...? Hamsters are good? How are..? Penny, you're getting off track.
#4:
Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if 你 wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
Jon: (Puzzled look)
Woman: I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
Jon (sarcastically): Nice one guys, sick metaphor. 你 slipped it right in. I can't believe how smart 你 were for 写作 that.
#5:
Nitro: ARE 你 READY TO RPG?!
Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
Jon: Well if 你 say so!
(Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
(Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed 由 a building exploding)
#6:
JonTron: Let's celebrate. Yeah! Ugly people never win! That's the moral of the story, guys!
#7:
JonTron: Oh geez. Oh darn it. They got fat.
#8:
Jon: Oh, now that's cool I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) Annnnnd, It's gone! It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...
#9:
When Ice's character sees a pretty girl on a horse, he, for whatever reason decides to jump his motorbike over the fence to greet her, scaring the horse enough to knock her off. Understandably enraged that he nearly killed her, she punches him which Ice respondes 由 saying ''"what's your problem!?"
Jon: Yeah what's your problem!? 你 表演 like I just jumped a fence on a motorcycle making 你 fall off your horse, and nearly break your spine! What are you, some kinda, (draws rectangle with hands) some kinda square?!
#10:
Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
(A hand comes out of nowhere and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!
#11:
Jon: FLEX TAPE! Okay, 你 heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have 你 heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!!
#12:
Phil: (grunting with each stab) That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE
Phil: That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's not that much damage, really, Phil. That's not—it could be worse...
#13:
Jon: Dude, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon: No, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon (now 更多 angry): Dude, 你 are number one!
Sergio: No, 你 are number one!
Jon: M***, 你 ARE NUMBER ONE!
Sergio: [visibly Corpsing] NO, M***, 你 ARE NUMBER ONE!
Jon: I WILL F*** KILL YOU!!!
#14:
Jon: But anyways, this 伏特加 is very special. Mainly because Dan Aykroyd is uh, 100% butt-fuck insane.
#15:
Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Four 分钟 and fifty six seconds! That's four 分钟 and fifty-six 秒 this man took to say the word 伏特加 in this commercial about VODKA!
#16:
Gwyneth: This is the shiiiit!
Jon: Don't curse, Gwyneth-(a train horn goes off in the distance) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't curse, Gwyneth.
#17:
In video, guy starts fanboying at seeing Elijah Wood on the plane
Jon: Aw dude, (camera zooms into guy 下一个 to Elijah) That's a sweet hat!
#18:
Nito (gets disturbingly close to the girls)
Debbie: We're...
Macie: Just leaving:
Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!
#19:
Ben: That's a fake. That's not my sister.
Jenny: Ben I know those people.
Jon: PROOF!!!
#20:
anilla Ice: So what's it like?
Girl: What's what like?
Ice: 你 know, having.. Parents.. Brothers.. All that, stuff.. Y'know?
Jon (dressed as alien): I am simply asking a normal human 问题 out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN!!!
#21:
Jon (singing): BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL THE CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN!!!
(later)
Jon (singing): PLAAAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN "WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE", WAIT, WHY DID THAT GUY JUST BLOW SMOKE OUT OF HIS FACE?! THAT'S WEIRD... When 你 die in the game, 你 die in real life, except ya don't, 你 go back to your dorm and play some GTA V!!
#22:
Dad character: My real name, is Hacket.. James Anthony Hackett, Jimmy.
Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited 由 an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear 或者 unsee that.
#23:
Jon: We get it, Rareware! 你 used to be cool! Can-can 你 get on with it? STOP!.. STOP IT!.. STOP TAUNTING ME!
#24:
"STOP!!"
#25:
Jon: Cars?.. Cars!?.. CAAAAARS!?
Jon: (scream singing) AND IIIIIIIII!!
Jon: (normal) 冬青, 冬青树 S***!!
Jon: (scream singing) WILL ALWAYS 爱情 YOOOOOUU!!
Jon: (normal) CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME!? GODDAMMIT!, HOW CAN 你 DO THIS TO ME!?!?
#26:
Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window)
#27:
Jon: ...the fuck am I looking at right now? Am I looking at 你 dreaming about being at the 海滩 while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!
#28:
Jon: And let me tell ya, that's not the only talking cat I got in this house. And no, 由 the way, I am not referring to Talking Tom.
(Cut to a picture of Talking Tom and Angela, all with screaming in the background. Zooms into Tom's face, then zooms into Tom and Angela's hands.)
#29:
Phil: Vroom, vroom! Beep '! Beep beep!
Chris: Why do 你 always do that, dad?
Jon: Yeah, dad, every 日 with this shit, I'm sittin' here, readin' my book, 你 waltz in the door make a car noise at me, I'm supposed to like it? (Begins putting on a large bib) Well fuck 你 dad, honestly, if it was a choo-choo train noise, maybe I would laugh, but a car noise? What do I look like to you, some sorta big baby?! (Puts a pacifier in his mouth and starts shaking a rattle)
#30:
Susan: Just help me find my shoes, okay? 或者 I won't feed 你 this week.
Jon: (With additional reverb) What a big happy family we got here.
#31:
After wandering around for the entire movie, Duffy finally makes a contribution to the plot...by immediately getting run over 由 a car.
Jon: (long moment of horrified silence) ...Well that cat ain't talking no more, I'll tell ya that much.
#32:
In response to Luther, "like a normal person", handing out flyers to everyone in his office that he isn't doing Christmas, Jon wonders who would actually care. Cut to two employees (one played 由 Jon) getting 说 flyers.
Employee 1 (Jon): I’m letting 你 know I‘ll be, skipping Christmas… (shakes with tranquil fury, crumbles paper)
Employee 2: (calmly, to himself) Go ahead... Run... But we will find you.
#33:
After Luther (rather rudely) explains why he isn't buying a 圣诞节 tree,
Jon: Yeah fuck 你 for trying to celebrate the spirit of 圣诞节 while making my life 安全 warm and convenient!! (slams down 圣诞节 tree)
Jon (while pissing on the tree) How's this for a Merry Christmas, 你 bunch a' young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit?!
#34:
Luther sees cruise ad, smiles to himself.
Jon (spits) Fuck christmas! I’ll rather drink my own urine than celebrate christmas! (to viewer) Thanks for watching my 圣诞节 special everyone, be 安全 (spits)
#35:
Jon: Okay. One.
Jacques: What even.
Jon: I counted 你 in—
Jacques: Go to fucking hell.
#36:
Judge: 你 weren't happy being the youngest. 你 didn't accuss the way things were, role the clip.
Matt in clip: Reality, who needs it, I hate reality.
17 LIFE SENTENCES
5 LETHAL INJECTIONS
10 DECADES OF FAMILIAL SHAMING
Jon: The moral of this story is "Never think, 或者 else the secret police might catch 你 and kill 你 no matter what!”
#37:
Matt: Endorse? Endorse what?!
Jon (as Matt): I thought sports were played outdorse.
#38:
Jon: (cheerfully) Oh, Larry. 你 jus- a- st- you're a fucking asshole.
#39:
Game: This takes place Steptember.
Jon: What a relief, it’s not even the scary month.
Game corrects it to October.
Jon (horrified) OH, DAT'S THE ONE!!!
#40:
Girl in game: From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?
Guy in game: That’s the fifth time you['ve] asked!
Jon: Yeah, well, maybe it'd be the last time if 你 just fucking told me!
#41;
Jon: It's 圣诞节 time. A time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby 耶稣 over here! How 你 enjoying your birthday, buddy? enjoy it while 你 can, I mean they do some "fucked up" shit to you! Like, they fuck 你 up, dude.
#42:
"What else could ever happen to us, today?”
Jon: Lady, 你 just got turned into a horse! I'm 'onna say sky's the limit!
#43:
"HOW 你 LIVIN' CHICKEN BOY?"
Jon (dressed as a chicken): Well first of all, that insult could've used some work. 秒 of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like 你 to cut someone like me deeper...Well, 你 must have problems yourself buddy, so I feel bad for you. (whips out a nunchuck and begins swinging it around awkwardly) AND HOW FUCKING DARE 你 SAY THAT TO ME I'M GONNA MAKE 你 FOR-REGRET THOSE GODDAMN WORDS!!
#44:
Snow White: This is my song. I am 唱歌 it now.
Jon: Aw, sick lyrics, dude! Sick song! (Jon pulls a lighter out of his pocket and starts waving it back and forth)
#45:
Jon in Elsa's dress.
THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAKE!!!
#46:
L.O.G.: In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 你 JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
Jon: HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY "THIS" TEDIOUS! (cut to black) (Jon's voice far away) HOLY SHIT!!!
