I realized I loved Ashley a while ago. We were onstage and my microphone cut out. I was forced to use Ashley’s until mine was fixed. For just a moment our lips brushed together and I realized I loved him.
                        ***    
It was the end of Valentine’s Day. I wished I could get something for Ashley. Maybe 下一个 年 I would be braver. I was alone in my room when I decided to call Ashley. I wouldn’t tell him I loved him yet, I just wanted to hear his voice. I picked up my phone and dialed his number. As I held the phone to my ear I heard a faint ring.

‘Hello?’ I heard Ashley’s voice.

‘Hi,’ I said, ‘this is Andy.’

‘It’s the middle of the night,’ he replied, ‘What do 你 need?’

‘I was just, uh, going to ask 你 something,’ I stumbled over my words, ‘sorry.’

Now I had to tell him, but I had no idea what to say. I tried to plan out what I would say, but he spoke too fast and I couldn’t think straight.

‘What is it?’ he asked.

The words poured out of me.

‘Ashley I 爱情 you, I want to be with you. I’ve wanted to tell 你 for a long time, but I was scared.’

‘I, I would,’ he said. ‘It’s just that I’m with someone. If 你 had told me sooner we could have…’

I hung up so I wouldn’t start crying on the phone. I sobbed into my pillow. Why didn’t I know he was with someone? I got out of 床, 床上 and walked to the bathroom. Maybe if I 迷失 weight, maybe then…
                ooo
I lie in my bed. My 心 was torn. I didn’t know he loved me. I wish he hadn’t told me. I wished I didn’t have to deal with this. But I had to choose. I loved Andy first, but I was in a 床, 床上 with someone already. I wrapped my arm around his waist and kissed him. I wouldn’t choose just yet. I 说 no to Andy and I can change my mind any time.
                ooo
I heard what Ashley was talking about. I knew he wouldn’t leave me, but I couldn’t help worrying. I couldn’t stand life without him. It was hard enough to keep going even with him. He didn’t know about the scars on my wrists, I never showed anyone. He held me and I felt warm and safe. I drifted off in his arms.

I awoke in the morning still clutched in Ashley’s arms. I hugged him and kissed him gently before getting out of bed. I got dressed and went to eat breakfast. I opened the fridge. I realized there was hardly any 食物 so I made coffee and went outside for some fresh air. The air was cool and there was a breeze. I ran my fingers over my wrists. I wished I had someone there for me. Even Ash wasn’t enough. I loved him; I just needed another person, something more. Why am I here? I asked myself. I’m just a waste of space. I made up my mind to kill myself soon. That’s where I belong, six feet underground with no one there with me. All alone.

Ash might miss me. I went inside and found a piece of paper. I began to write.

I’m sorry I had to go this way. I’ll miss 你 Ash. I hope 你 don’t miss me too much because I want 你 to stay strong without me. It’s not your fault, I promise, 你 didn’t see the signs so I must have hid it well. I don’t care what happens when I’m gone, just be happy. It’ll get better soon, just wait. Don’t forget me please. I will watch 你 and keep 你 安全 if I can. I would have told 你 but I was afraid. I know it’s silly. You’ll make it without me, just cry whenever 你 need to, 你 can be with whoever 你 want now. I had a good last few days with you. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ll 吻乐队（Kiss） 你 before I go. I 爱情 you.