Survey reveals 最佳, 返回页首 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined 更多 than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had 由 far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags 由 Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell 你 what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the 列表 are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years 或者 more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man 下一个 to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun 商店 and buys a handgun. The 下一个 日 she comes 首页 to find her husband in 床, 床上 with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I 说 to the Gym instructor "Can 你 teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in 爱情 - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop 唱歌 the 'Green Green 草 of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've 迷失 three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other 日 and I said, 'Have 你 got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two 鱼 in a tank, and one says ''How do 你 drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other 日 but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I 爱情 the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to 报道 a nuisance caller'', he 说 ''Not 你 again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a 日期 but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A 三明治 walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve 食物 in here''
25. The other 日 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I 说 ''Did 你 get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper 商店 - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their 最近的 tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he 说 ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are 你 two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other 日 I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this 鸭 came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having 晚餐 with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other 日 I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it 说 ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if 你 opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a 龟, 海龟 disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I 说 to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He 说 ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a 皮艇, 皮划艇 were chilly. But when they lit a 火, 消防 in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that 你 can't have your 皮艇, 皮划艇 and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in 爱情 with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. 你 see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell 你 what I 爱情 doing 更多 than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner 商店 - bought 4 corners.
49. A 密封 walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined 更多 than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had 由 far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags 由 Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell 你 what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the 列表 are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years 或者 more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man 下一个 to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun 商店 and buys a handgun. The 下一个 日 she comes 首页 to find her husband in 床, 床上 with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I 说 to the Gym instructor "Can 你 teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in 爱情 - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop 唱歌 the 'Green Green 草 of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've 迷失 three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other 日 and I said, 'Have 你 got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two 鱼 in a tank, and one says ''How do 你 drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other 日 but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I 爱情 the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to 报道 a nuisance caller'', he 说 ''Not 你 again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a 日期 but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A 三明治 walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve 食物 in here''
25. The other 日 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I 说 ''Did 你 get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper 商店 - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their 最近的 tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he 说 ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are 你 two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other 日 I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this 鸭 came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having 晚餐 with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other 日 I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it 说 ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if 你 opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a 龟, 海龟 disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I 说 to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He 说 ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a 皮艇, 皮划艇 were chilly. But when they lit a 火, 消防 in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that 你 can't have your 皮艇, 皮划艇 and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in 爱情 with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. 你 see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell 你 what I 爱情 doing 更多 than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner 商店 - bought 4 corners.
49. A 密封 walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
Are there even true friendship until now?
由 Secret Irken Invader Eve
Friendship. It is a word that is ALMOST a myth.
Friendship starts with a friend.
A friend gives 你 happiness and loyalty.
A friend is meant to make a promise.
A promise which is that he 或者 she will never turn his 或者 her back on you...... 或者 betray you.
But that friend suddenly breaks that promise.
Turns its back on 你 and stick its self to greed.
你 cannot trust so much in this type of timeline.
你 can never again.
He/she will leave 你 disappointed and let 你 down.
Why should 你 look for someone else like He is not enough.
He who created you,
Loved you,
Cared for you.
Why look for somebody else
When 你 have God with his 爱情 all wrapped around you.
由 Secret Irken Invader Eve
Friendship. It is a word that is ALMOST a myth.
Friendship starts with a friend.
A friend gives 你 happiness and loyalty.
A friend is meant to make a promise.
A promise which is that he 或者 she will never turn his 或者 her back on you...... 或者 betray you.
But that friend suddenly breaks that promise.
Turns its back on 你 and stick its self to greed.
你 cannot trust so much in this type of timeline.
你 can never again.
He/she will leave 你 disappointed and let 你 down.
Why should 你 look for someone else like He is not enough.
He who created you,
Loved you,
Cared for you.
Why look for somebody else
When 你 have God with his 爱情 all wrapped around you.
你 just shut the door i fell like 更多 when 你 say i'm shy i cry saying why? why? do 你 make sure to 爱情 me even though i'm shy do 你 ever ever ever think to try? do 你 think of me? when 你 say shy shy shy i say why and i'll sit and think about waiting when 你 say hi well than 你 won't be mine! yes this is 爱情 but does it hurt? when i cry? when 你 say shy and i know it's true but i'm alright i and i 爱情 you! why would say means things why would 你 say the stuff that stings why would 你 say that word when i know 你 much? i don't think i would be with 你 if i knew a thing 或者 two about your life 你 backstabbing 刀 i trusted 你 and yet 你 still flew without me
She's beautiful...
Her brown eyes sparkle.
Her nails are perfect.
Her golden brown hair shines like polished wood.
She is an average height for twenty-one.
She's playful, friendly.
She never gets mad.
She loves food.
She hugs 你 a lot.
Don't 你 爱情 her?
I do...
I 爱情 my dog.
:D:D:D:D:D:D
Her brown eyes sparkle.
Her nails are perfect.
Her golden brown hair shines like polished wood.
She is an average height for twenty-one.
She's playful, friendly.
She never gets mad.
She loves food.
She hugs 你 a lot.
Don't 你 爱情 her?
I do...
I 爱情 my dog.
:D:D:D:D:D:D
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!",a teen named Tessa screamed as she was falling down a hole.
Everyone gasped.
"NO!!!",her friend Dana yelled
"Tessa!",another friend,Martha shouted."No!No!No!No!No!No!!You still owe me 50 bucks,man!"
"That darn lady,she 偷了 our money,man!",a cowboy said."What a shame"
"No..", a girl named Erica whispered.
"Oh my god!",cowboy said
Everyone sobbed."All that money!", a lady named Lisa wailed."No!!!!!!!"
"The money is gone,man!",Lisa's sister Sara whined.
The cowboy sighed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!",Martha screamed."MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone gasped.
"NO!!!",her friend Dana yelled
"Tessa!",another friend,Martha shouted."No!No!No!No!No!No!!You still owe me 50 bucks,man!"
"That darn lady,she 偷了 our money,man!",a cowboy said."What a shame"
"No..", a girl named Erica whispered.
"Oh my god!",cowboy said
Everyone sobbed."All that money!", a lady named Lisa wailed."No!!!!!!!"
"The money is gone,man!",Lisa's sister Sara whined.
The cowboy sighed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!",Martha screamed."MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!"
One fine 日 in the middle of the night two dead me got u to fight back to back they faced
eachother drew there swords and shot eachother
the deff policeman heard the noise and came to arrest thoughs two young boys if u dont believe me u know its true ask the blind man he saw to.
(i like that thing 或者 whatever u call it lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im only puting this part because the 文章 is not long enough and blahblahblah and all that stuff and stuff and oh my god how long does it need to be)
eachother drew there swords and shot eachother
the deff policeman heard the noise and came to arrest thoughs two young boys if u dont believe me u know its true ask the blind man he saw to.
(i like that thing 或者 whatever u call it lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im only puting this part because the 文章 is not long enough and blahblahblah and all that stuff and stuff and oh my god how long does it need to be)
1. they will sing his songs
2.they will blush when they here somone say his name 或者 talk about one of his new songs
3.they will have atleast one picture of him
4.gets upset if they cant go to one of his concerts
5. wont be afraid to say hes cool
6.listens to his 音乐 every night to go to sleep with
7.will ask 你 if 你 have heard his new song
8.screams if someone else says i 爱情 justin beiber
9.is always talking about a video they watched of him on youtube
10.will say they hate 或者 爱情 whatever he does even if they hate it 或者 爱情 it
2.they will blush when they here somone say his name 或者 talk about one of his new songs
3.they will have atleast one picture of him
4.gets upset if they cant go to one of his concerts
5. wont be afraid to say hes cool
6.listens to his 音乐 every night to go to sleep with
7.will ask 你 if 你 have heard his new song
8.screams if someone else says i 爱情 justin beiber
9.is always talking about a video they watched of him on youtube
10.will say they hate 或者 爱情 whatever he does even if they hate it 或者 爱情 it
James
