I'm putting two funny 文章 together in one, hope 你 enjoy it!

Some fun rules
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I 爱情 deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would 你 know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what 你 need, and I'll tell 你 how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time 你 need him, chances are 你 won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. 你 have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in 床, 床上 looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?! "
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through 花生 butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, 你 are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. And,18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag 你 down to their level then beat 你 with experience."

A Cynic's guide to life.

A Cynics Guide to Life:The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken 粉丝 带, 皮带 and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a 花 grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a 火, 消防 drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner 或者 later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If 你 don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts 你 off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, 你 can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each 日 I try to enjoy something from each of the four 食物 groups: the 邦邦, 糖果 group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is " group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. ust remember... 你 gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When 你 find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie 或者 an Indian burn. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price 你 pay for letting the relatives stay over. It's a small world. So 你 gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the 磨, 磨石, 磨刀石 and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. 爱情 is like a roller coaster: when it's good 你 don't want to get off, and when it isn't... 你 can't wait to throw up."