小马宝莉 Article: My little Brony pt4

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posted by nerdman101

I woke up to see Twilight Sparkle getting ready to go somewhere...
嘿 Twilght whats up? I said,Im just gettin ready to go to see 彩虹 Dash and pick apples with AJ,wanna come? she asked,yeah sure! I 说 with glee,as I combed my mane.
We left and went to see 彩虹 Dash.....
She was on a 云, 云计算 in the distance,hey twilight 说 as we walked under her cloud,hey Twilight she 说 with a smile!,Hey she 说 to me,whats your name?This is a human who was teleported to the ponyverse through a electronic device!,his name is jake!Hey 彩虹 dash whats up?,nothing much,just chillin on a cloud...,Twilight asked if 彩虹 Dash wanted to come and pick some apples with AJ,Yes she 说 as we started walking to AJ's house...

tailsfan111 likes this

NocturnalMirage Okay, the pacing is good so far, but if you allow me to give you a friendly advice: you gave us a good ammount of exposition, you set off the characters well. Now it's time to give more dynamics to them, make them do stuff, implement a little "action", create obstacles for them to overcome, introduce an antagonist, etc. oh an most importantly, keep up the good work! :)