"I think it's working," Carissa smiled at me. I sat between her and Rigby on the bench. Already, I felt great. My 心 was racing, and I almost couldn't sit still. After a few moments though, my eyes started to hurt. "They're just dilating," Carissa told me. "Here." She took off her sunglasses and handed them to me. I noticed her eyes seemed sunken in, and there were gray circles underneath her eyes. She blew her cigarette smoke in my direction.

"Thanks," I 说 energetically. My mind was racing, I could barely spit out the words.

"Just don't tell anyone," Jordan 说 on the other side of the circle. "We don't need to get busted again."

"It'll be fine," Carissa 说 calmly, sucking on her cigarette again. She looked at me. "You won't tell... Will you?" Was she kidding me? I hadn't felt this great in forever! I don't think I'd ever been the happy; period!

"No," I 说 quickly.

"Good," Carissa said.

:"We'll give this to 你 free for a week," Rigby said. "But 下一个 week you're gonna have to start paying for it. This stuff gets pretty expensive."

"Ok," I replied. How bad could it be? Already, I knew it'd be worth it. The 钟, 贝尔 rang, and we started heading inside. I handed Carissa her sunglasses back when we got inside, but it still hurt a little bit, from the lights hanging overhead.

"Here," Carissa said. She ruffled my hair, moving my bangs in front of my face. "Just don't make eye contact with anyone, and they won't know. 你 look like a freakin' owl." She grinned at me before heading off to class.

***

After school, my high was over. I 助力车, 摩托车, 轻便摩托车 around, waiting for the bus. I almost wanted to cry, when the empty feeling returned, making me feel 更多 empty than ever.

"Hey Shelby," Emery said. Jezreel showed up at his side, still nearly silent. "We missed 你 at lunch." Miss me? They never even eat with me.

"Yeah," I said, nodding.

"...Where were you?" he prompted.

"I..." I opened my mouth to speak, but then remembered what Jordan had said. I can't tell anyone about this. And Emery already knew what Carissa and her 老友记 were up to; he'd know what we were doing. "I had to finish a test," I 说 quickly.

"Oh," he replied. A car pulled up, with a woman waving at us. "That's my mom," Emery said. Jezreel followed him to the car, and they both got in, finally leaving me alone.

"Hey you," a sweet voice 说 behind me. I turned around to see Carissa. Already, I felt relaxed with her around me. She reached over and put a paper bag in the pocket of my hoodie. "You'll probably need this," she winked at me. Her face grew serious. "Again. Don't get caught."

"I won't. I promise." Carissa nodded slowly, like she was scanning me.

"Ok... Cause I got caught last year, and I do not want that happening again," she sighed. She bit the inside of her cheek, then shrugged. "Well, I'll see ya later. Have fun," she smiled at me.

***

I closed the front door, feeling very guilty.

"Hi Shelby," Blair called from the kitchen. "How was your day?"

"Fine..." I said, walking slowly up the stairs. Blair walked around and stood at the bottom. Her innocent eyes felt like missiles pointed at me.

"Have any trouble at school today?" Her 问题 made my 心 lunge, but then I remember telling her about bullies.

"Uh... No.." I said. Before she could speak again, I spoke quickly." I should get working on my homework." I ran up the rest of the stairs into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I even actually worked on my homework for a while.

Once I was finished, I carefully took the paper bag out of my pocket, and examined it. It was powder cocaine, the same stuff I'd been 给 earlier. I poured a tiny bit of it onto my fingers, and rubbed it, testing myself. Sure, the high was great. But what if Emery had been serious about Carissa and her friends? Did I really want to go down this road? At that moment, everything flooded to mind. Mom. Matt. The pain. The neglect. The loneliness. Feeling the weigh of the world on my shoulders. Practically having to be a mother to my sisters. Being their teacher. Their protector. Feeling like everything was my fault. Knowing everything was Mom's fault. Being abandoned 由 her.

I need this. Just before I raised my hand to my nose, there was a tap on the door, and Blair let herself in. I quickly shoved the paper bag into the drawer of my desk, and wiped the powder off onto my pant leg.

"You doin' alright?" Blair asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. Fine. Why?" She walked in closer, making the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

"I just want to make sure you're feeling ok. 你 seem to be... 你 haven't really adjusted well to these changes. Not that I blame you. I was thinking.... Maybe you'd want to see someone?" I blinked. "To talk?" Silence. "Like a therapist?" she prompted. Oh crap.

"Uh, no," I 说 quickly. "No, no, no. I'm fine," I insisted.

"Are 你 sure?" Blair asked unsurely. I nodded.

"Yeah. Things are gonna get better. I promise." Blair still didn't look convinced. "And... I even made some 老友记 today." Her face perked up.

"Really?"

"Really. And... I was thinking about hanging out with them soon. If that's ok."

"That's fine, Shelby! I'm glad 你 made some friends." Blair patted my head before leaving, thankfully closing the door behind her. I sighed, slumping down in my seat, and taking out the paper bag from my 台, 办公桌 drawer.

Yeah, I told myself, things are going to get better.