TDL's note: I'm making a Zombieland spoof with the POM characters. This chapter is the introductoin (the action and awesomeness won't come till later). And some of the character's personalities have changed a bit to fit the storyline. WARNING: RATED PG-13 to R FOR VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE.

I have been through a lot of crap these past few months. 50% it's because a new plague suddenly broke out in the Big 苹果 a few years ago, and still spreading across the state, and will eventually consume all of America and then the whole world. A 25% chance it's because I haven't seen my 老友记 in a year. A 15% chance it's because I was tranferred to the zoo in Buffalo and have been living with a bunch of stuck-up skanks. The other 10% is because I haven't had anyone 由 my side during these dark times.

It's me, Kowalski. I've changed a lot. The only object I keep in hand is my pistol, which is very useful when I come across a herd of you-know-what. My dialogue has drastically changed, too. I'm a lot 更多 carefree, simply because I have nothing to lose. No friends, no family. No matter how hard I try, I can't get a girl. I'm a major klutz. I still caculate problems in my head, but less and less. But that doesn't matter because life sucks, anyways. I'm just another fucked up penguin.

One 年 ago, a huge zombie break out occured. One 年 ago, people have been turning into fucked up brain-eaters. Out of ideas, my team seperated due to the fear of traveling in groups, which attracts zombies. I haven't heard from Skipper, Rico, Private, 或者 any of our neighbors in one 年 - I don't even know if they're still alive and... normal. Anyways, being smart, I left for the city. Human zombies only go after other humans. So being in the world of humans was a lot safer. This was when less then half of New York was populated 由 zombies. A policeman saw me, and after much struggling, got a hold of me and transferred me to the zoo in Buffalo.

There, I was thrown into a new 企鹅 exhibit, which was the 首页 to at least ten other penguins. It was large and nice, and very suitable for a penguin. Nothing like home. I tried to make 老友记 with the others, but they just ignored me, and snickered at me behind my back. The girls there were really good looking. I gained some courage to confront them, but they just gave me the 'Why is this loser talking to me?' look.

So over the 下一个 few months, I kept to myself. I had my own room, which was great. But it was really lonely. I would take out my clipboard and sketch out the blueprints of what would make really cool inventions. I couldn't actually make these things because I had no lab. So I would just sit around and daydream about what these machines could turn out to be. I also watched the news to get the latest info on the zombie uprising. I would take notes and work on completing my Zombie Survival Guide.

This is where things start to get weird (well, weirder). I was lying in 床, 床上 one afternoon, reviewing my drawings and outlines over a cup of coffee, when I got a knock on my door. This was strange, because I never get visitors. I lazily got up, thinking it was one of the idiot guys ding-dong ditching me. I opened the door, and surprisingly, there stood Sam, the prettiest of the group of girls. She was pale and looked scared to death.

"What happened?" I asked.

"It's B-Bruce!" She quivered.

Bruce was the toughest and most stuck-up 企鹅 in the zoo. He was the one who would always pick on me - he would try to stick my head into the toilet, push me into the water surrounding our exhibit, lock me up in the closet, and so on with his fucking idiot 老友记 laughing in the background. He was also Sam's long-term boyfriend.

"What about him?" I questioned, rolling my eyes. Maybe karma happened. Maybe he slipped, and his head got stuck in the toilet. I tried not to snicker at the thought.

"I saw him r-running up to me, and he was covered in cuts and bruises, and blood was falling off his face. I thought he got into a fight!" She took a breath, "I freaked and asked him what he did. He didn't answer me. He ran at me, full speed. I thought he's gone mad! I turned and ran, and he caught up to me. And... h-he bit me!"

I have just noticed the bloody beak marks on her hip.

She continued, "I just barely escaped. I don't know what's gotten into him! I ran to tell my friends, but they weren't here! Eveyone left!" She started sobbing, "What's happening?!"

I knew what happened. The zombie plague is spreading. It came here. And it's not going to end. 由 then, it was 安全 to say we are now living in a world known as Zombieland.
Insert the dramatic 音乐 here.

All the sudden, Sam jumped into me arms, and wrapped me into a hug. I blushed and hugged her back. I felt her tears running down my back.

"Thank God 你 are still here!" She cried. "Can I stay over?"

Her pleading blue eyes looked up at me. Damn, she was hot.

I nodded like an idiot.

"Thank you!!" She yelped, "I... I'm sorry for ignoring 你 these last few months. You're really cool."

I breathed heavily, taking in the compliment. Am I dreaming?

That night we slept on the sofa. She leaned against me, her head on my shoulder, her flippers around my waist.

I was uncomfortable in my position, but I didn't adjust because I didn't want to disturb her slumber. Eventually I fell asleep, knowing I'm going to be waking up with some pretty bad shoulder and hip pains.

Little did I know, I was going to be waking up to a much bigger problem then that.