heres 下一个 chapt, and tigger the 下一个 one is where 你 come into the picture.
*Allie*
It took 更多 out of me than I ever imagined, one 秒 longer and I would have started shaking, I would have cried in front of Sawyer and everything I have worked hard for would be for nothing.
I've tried oh how I've tried to 移动 on but it was hard, it still is hard and getting 更多 so each day.
Turning the corner I keep my composure but the 秒 those elevator doors close I slip along the back of the small enclosure until I am sitting on its floor with my arms around my knees. The tears fall unashamed, uncaring that it makes me look so weak.
Sawyer hates me, which means Abby and Keith must too and even if I deserve it, it still hurts to think that he hates me, not when it wasn't so long 以前 that Keith loved me 更多 than anyone in this entire world.
That of course was before I cut them all out of my life. They saved me and they bit 由 bit destroyed me at the same time. It was easier before I cared so much before I had so much to lose.
Even now I want to escape the onslaught of emotions, every fibre of my being is resisting the urge I have to go to the closest private area, get the sharpest thing near me and cut my skin open til I bleed.
Oh, just thinking about that release makes the urge stronger but I bite my lip and continue to resist. It helps but it's like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.
There are three reasons why I cut and they probably wouldn't make sense to most people, Sawyer understood though and Keith did his best to stop me ever having to.
It's all about the numbness, to get rid of it 或者 to get it back. When it's moments like this, when everything is so powerful and strong I can barely cope, when I need to calm down and find that numbness, it's like 由 cutting my flesh I am literally opening myself up, cutting an escape for all those emotions to just seep out of. That blood that bubbles up and runs down, that is the hate, the anger, the sadness, the grief, that is the pain and desperation. And for a little while I am free.
Other times, it's the opposite, Sawyer once 说 that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. It lets 你 know you're still alive. For me, the pain isn't about knowing I'm still here, a tangible being breathing and existing, the pain is about the ability to feel something, anything, I know I'm alive, but I want to be 更多 than simply that.
The third reason is blatantly simple, some days I just feel like punishing myself.
Right now I'm resisting the urge, my nails dig deeper into my flesh, a small release but I won't give in. I refuse to. How is my happy new life? Well, most of the scars are fading.
Some scars though will always stand out, no matter how pale the skin.
The elevator doors open and a doctor walks in, for the 下一个 ten 分钟 I ride the elevator not knowing when 或者 where I want to get off, not knowing if I'm ready to leave quite yet. Others come off and on, no one speaks to me, and no one 问题 the red eyes. That's the thing about hospitals, nobody ever asks questions.
Most of the time.
…
The first time I met the Scott's was in this very hospital, I was still not use to it here being new to 树 Hill. My parents moved here because of the hospital and its experimental treatments with leukaemia, the best in the state they 说 and it had the advantage of the small town charm. As if that would mean something to me when they were taking me from the only 首页 I had ever known, away from my school and my 老友记 and the small security I had. I hated it on sight of course and I cursed them for bringing me here. Cancer had ruined my life and I didn't even have it.
I loved my little brother and watching him slowly suffer was painful but I was still young and selfish, I was angry and bitter. At the cancer for daring to hurt my brother, at my brother for possibly leaving me alone, and at my parents who had little time for me before it all started and who now seemingly ignored my existence. What I wanted never mattered, I couldn't make Zane healthy, I couldn't make my parents smile, and I couldn't do anything right, everything I did just made things worse.
So I took it out on myself and anybody 或者 anything around me.
It was my 秒 week in 树 爬坡道, 小山 and after deciding to make my outer appearance match my inner emotions I was sporting dyed black hair and dark depressing clothes. My parents didn't even blink; my father had looked at me for a moment and asked if I had cut my hair. We were all at the hospital while Zane went through another round of chemo, I hated watching it so I had snuck off to go explore the halls that I would be spending a lot of time in.
I didn't get far before I found the vending machine and decided to get something to drink, only the thing wouldn't work, swearing I'd kicked it, inside my mind I was kicking something else entirely.
"How's that working for you?" an amused voice had cut in and I'd looked up to find a tall, skinny blonde girl a few years older than me leaning against the 墙 with her arms crossed. Her narrow blue eyes looked me up and down as she smirked, "here kid let me help you" and she'd pushed herself off the 墙 and walked over to me.
"You have to double press it because it jams" and then she was handing me my drink, "you must be new here?"
I didn't need to say anything. She'd gotten herself a drink and touched a finger to her lip before stretching out, "sibling, right?" and continued to stare at me, then she looked around and tapped her lip again, "let me take a stab at it… cancer… about, what, six months?"
My mouth had dropped in shock, "how'd 你 know?"
She had chuckled, cracked her can and taken a long 吞, 燕子 before moving the can down and shaking her head, "damn it, she's good" was muttered and at the time I had no idea what she was going on about. Before my eyes she had pulled a flask out of her leather 夹克 and topped up her half empty can, when she noticed me watching she held the flask out and kinked her brow. I would be lying if I didn't consider it.
Instead a younger girl stepped out from around the corner and frowned, "Sawyer!"
"What?" The older blonde shot back innocently and placed the flask back.
The other girl stepped forward, "hi, I'm Abby and this is my sister Sawyer"
They didn't look much alike, Zane and I could be twins if not for the age difference and obvious gender issues, but Abby and Sawyer couldn't be 更多 different. Sawyer was quite tall and looked like what my Mom would call a twig, her blonde hair was fair and her narrow eyes were a pale blue, she had a small nose which tilted up slightly and reminded me slightly of a 小狗 and her face was long with a strong jaw. Abby had a look of shortness about her, her long hair was that particular shade where it was hard to tell whether it was a dark blonde 或者 a light brown, 或者 simply a mix of both, and her eyes were big and she had a button nose, there was something rounder about her features, not just the face and nose but everything even her body that though slim just looked curvier than Sawyer could ever dream to be.
"Allie" I had told them, still uncertain about these strangers. They had smiled and there was a flicker of resemblance, they each had a dimple on their left cheek though Abby's was 更多 pronounced and never really disappeared like Sawyer's.
They had taken me up to the zone, an area at the hospital designed for the patients and guests under twenty-one, and on the way they had shown me the ropes. From introducing me to various staff member, security guards included, giving me a tour of where to find the best vending machines, toilets and the cafeteria, to even 展示 me the quickest way to fresh air. Trust me that can be very important when you're in a hospital and the walls start closing in on you.
"So this is where all the cool people hang out" Sawyer had dryly held up her arms in the zone, then she's walked over to the pool table, "you play?"
Abby and Sawyer then proceeded to kick my 屁股 at pool; actually they completely hustled me and took my allowance. It wasn't until another 日 that Abby told me how to pass the time while Keith was in hospital their mother taught them how to play pool, and here's a life tip – never bet against Brooke Scott. It was Brooke who had donated the 表 to the hospital, and I spent a lot of time up on that floor playing at that 表 with the Scott girls. Though that first time I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know we'd all become good friends.
When I was broke they took me back downstairs, my mood had slightly changed from that girl who'd been kicking a machine. In that time we'd chatted, mostly about crap but I'd learnt they had a brother Keith between them who had APL, which was the same type of cancer Zane was diagnosed with.
I wasn't prepared for meeting him though, how can anyone prepare for that, the moment your eyes connect with someone and 你 just know, deep inside, that that person is going to change your whole world.
It was another two weeks before I met Keith, Sawyer hadn't come that 日 because she was with her boyfriend and after getting with 面包车, 范 she stopped hanging around the hospital as much altogether. So Abby dragged me down, first she 说 hi to my parents who she'd run into before, then she had asked me if I wanted to meet her family.
Meeting Keith, I will never forget that moment. Abby's smile when she pulled me along to his 床, 床上 where like my own brother he was getting chemo, seeing the pretty brunette woman 阅读 由 the bed, the woman I would soon learn was their mother Brooke. Then I had turned and time stopped, I can't exactly explain it.
At first I felt like someone had shifted the ground slightly from under me, but I could barely 移动 as his eyes locked onto mine. That saying about getting 迷失 in someone's eyes had always been just a saying to me, a line of fiction used in 图书 或者 movies, but that was exactly what happened. I didn't even get a chance to see anything else about him, those eyes had locked onto me and that was it. They were the colour of muddy water except more… well… 更多 beautiful, poetic, their green/brown orbs deep enough to just fall into.
I hadn't even realised Abby was talking until she repeated my name and nudged me, feeling embarrassed I had looked away from Keith's eyes and glanced at the others. They seemed unaware of my lapse, so I looked at Keith again. He was skinny and pale with a baldhead, where his skin wasn't white Keith looked bruised 或者 red, and my 心 had ached for him.
But then he had smiled and amongst everything that screamed death I saw something so alive and healthy about him, that sparkle in his eyes spread across his face as he smiled, two deep dimples appearing to frame it.
Then he'd held out his hand and I had stepped 前锋, 期待 to take it, we didn't shake hands, the moment our fingers curled around each other we just held them in place between us, our eyes locking again. His smile softened, "hi" and the surprising warmth of his hand spread all the way to my 心 with that one simple word.
Over the following weeks I grew closer to the Scott family, I also fell head over heels in 爱情 with Keith, and those weeks turned to months. Together we forced each other out of our shells, I did my best to remind him he was still alive and he gave me a reason to want to be still alive.
In that time Keith went into remission, his dark hair grew back curlier than ever, and we built hopes and dreams around each other.
I should have known then, from the very start, that the only way it could possibly end was with my 心 broken.
…
Alone in the elevator I cry some more, unable to stop the river falling from my eyes, I don't know how long it can last, how much liquid could possibly be left in my body. It seems like I have a never-ending supply. I swipe at the tears, sniffling as I do.
The doors slide open again and this time I'm suddenly facing Lucas Scott, he looks shocked, not hostile if anything he gets that familiar broody look on his face and appears concerned, "Allie?"
I give a sad smile and nod.
"Are 你 okay?" and that is such a typical Scott move, one of the reasons why they are so addictive, because they care. No matter what is happening they always care about each other and others. They don't even seem to know how special that is, how I would kill to have that at home.
Again wiping at my eyes I say, "I'm fine" but for some reason I shake my head contradicting my words.
I feel completely stupid. Why did I think I could just come here and it would be fine, why did I think I could come here and I'd be fine? I shouldn't have. "What am I doing here?" I mutter to myself.
He steps into the elevator and gently pulls me out, his long arms wrapping around me, "hey, it's okay" he whispers, words 说 to soothe but really have little meaning. Nobody can promise everything will be okay, hell if saying it could I should be saying it to him.
…
Back when it was all happening, when I was so absorbed in my first love, everything seemed perfect, nothing could possibly darken our worlds. Cancer, what was that? A stepping-stone, a way for fate to bring our two lives crashing together, it wouldn't matter in the end because Keith would get better, and he would beat it. Nothing else could happen, could it? No, because it was us.
And we could save each other.
The first time I knew he felt the same way about me was a 月 after that first meeting and we were alone together as Keith was having chemo. This particular 日 he wasn't coping well, it was barely ten 分钟 before he was throwing up, I'd sat there not wanting to watch, not because it sickened me but because I hated seeing Keith in pain.
So I read to him when Brooke went to the bathroom, picking up the story where she left off, stumbling over words but refusing to stop as Keith once again bent over the bowl in his arms. When he'd laid back down and closed his eyes I had put the book down and just looked at him, not even realising I had even stopped until he rolled his head to the side to look at me, "you don't have to stay if 你 don't want to, my mom will be back soon"
"I don't mind, I want to" I told him with a solemn face, my smile at this point was still hard to come by, but Keith had grinned and relaxed back down waiting for me to continue, so I did.
The 下一个 time he vomited I dropped the book and ran to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and letting him half rest on me. When he finished Keith sagged against me, "I'm sorry"
"It's okay"
"No, it's not. Every time 你 see me I'm sick in a hospital bed" and to prove his point he started coughing.
"I like seeing 你 like this… I mean not like this, but I like seeing you, I mean – uh"
He'd chuckled, "I like seeing 你 too… maybe 下一个 time I see 你 it could be different, maybe somewhere else?"
"I'd like that" I'd answered just before Brooke returned and teased us mercilessly, we both had blushed but I didn't mind.
The 下一个 time I saw Keith wasn't at the hospital, and it was one of the best days of my life.
…
Having Lucas hug me is nice though uncomfortable, truth be told I never really got use to the whole affectionate thing. My family just never does that, I can count on one hand how many times my mother has hugged me and let me just say that I would have some spare fingers left over, and my father… well he's even worse. I got a high five once, back when I was like five. Some families just aren't the touchy feely sort. My parents believed their job was to make sure I had a good education and a nanny 或者 housekeeper could supply anything else. We weren't rich and nowhere near touched the Scott's but we were what was called comfortable, comfortable enough that my parents were always able to work and my brother and I were watched 由 staff. That is until Zane got sick and they decided to play the parents, to one of us at least.
Before I met Keith and his family the only person to ever really 显示 me any sort of affectionate 爱情 was my little brother, and even then our relationship couldn't hold a candle to that of them. Zane's mission in life was to annoy me, we fought from the moment he was able to steal my toys.
I pull away from Lucas and wipe at my eyes even though I'm no longer crying, "I'm fine, really" and just 由 the look Lucas sends me I know he doesn't believe me.
His voice is quiet; he genuinely cares "how are things at home?"
"The same" I give a cynical chuckle, if anyone knows what we've been through its this man because he's going through the same thing, "it pretty much blows" nothing has changed except for me and sometimes I wonder if changing would do anything because I still pretty much hated my life. Wiping my eyes again I ask, "you?"
Lucas' lip curls up, "yeah" is all he says, and it says it all. It pretty much blows.
My life was meant to be… easier, less painful, I don't know, it made sense at the time, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I thought I could just put it behind me, everyone goes through that first heartbreak but I was lying to myself.
It's impossible not to care, it's impossible not to think about him, it's impossible to stay away, and I can fight it but eventually I was always going to give in.
The 秒 I heard Keith was back in hospital I knew I had to come, and when I heard the news about Abby and what she was doing it was like someone had punched their fist through my chest, grabbed my 心 and squeezed a little. I hadn't spoken a word but inside I started to scream in denial.
I'm not being dramatic here, it happened just like that.
I think I'm still in shock.
That's why I had to come here, I needed to see him, touch him and feel his 心 beating under my lips.
Sawyer would kill me but I had to try, "can I… can I… see him?" the words come out in a stutter but Lucas' eyes soften, he nods "of course" and I wonder just how much he knows, I wonder if he has any idea what I did. They are so secretive sometimes, like their own little club.
For a while I got to be a part of that.
…
"Okay" Sawyer had turned to us one 日 as we sunbaked in the spot 由 the river we called our own, "we're stuck in a burning building, all about to fry our asses and 你 can only save one of us, who is it?" she'd been wearing her bikini and was stretched out over a rock.
Abby had been on the rope 摇摆, 秋千 kicking herself against the rocks but at the 问题 she held her feet down, "who would 你 save?" she shot back at Sawyer. The older girl shrugged, "myself I guess"
We had all laughed, and then Sawyer had 说 "no, seriously? 你 have to answer the question"
We had all looked at each other, smiling I think because we sorta knew the answer, then Tyler had stood up from where he'd been floating below us and shaken the water out of his dark hair, "just wait, is my 吉他 part of the equation because that's like an extension of my soul?"
"No, dumb ass" Sawyer threw a nearby stick at him and Ty lunged forward, pulling himself up onto the rocks he grabbed Sawyer 由 the wrists and dragged her into the water screaming with him.
It was just another summer 日 for us, lazing around 由 the river talking about everything and nothing. Keith's colour was good that day, I remember running my hands along his bare chest and comparing our skin tones that weren't that different anymore. As Sawyer and Ty had splashed in the water I snuggled against Keith, my arms wrapped around him as he gently stroked the bare skin of my upper arm. From habit I had tensed, he'd sensed it and looked at me oddly before realising he'd been tracing the pale silver lines that go across my skin, "its all right" he'd whispered and sitting up he's leant down and kissed them, "I just wish I could make 你 happy enough"
"You do" I whispered back and grabbed his hands, "you have no idea how much"
That was the first time he told me he loved me, crashing my cheeks between his hands he's looked deep into my eyes "I 爱情 you"
And I started to smile like a stupid kid, "I 爱情 你 too" and then he's kissed me, a bone-melting kiss.
"I guess we don't have to ask them their answer" Abby had grinned and let go of the rope to splash into the water, the splash interrupted the moment and Keith and I quickly pulled away as we became drenched.
"And they say blood is thicker than water" Sawyer had dryly commented, and then Ty had put a finger on his chin "well if I had to pick between my three favourite cousins and Keith's little girlfriend I'd def go for… hmmm, well… no one!" he splashed us all again.
And we all knew he didn't mean he wouldn't save us, wrapping an arm around both Sawyer and Abby Ty added "all 或者 none of us"
"We stick together" Keith smiled and then took my hand and kissed it before leading me down to the bank of the river.
All 或者 none of us, and where are we now?
…
Lucas leads me to Keith's room and I'm not surprised to find Sawyer missing, though it's odd to see Keith's bedside so empty.
"He's asleep" Lucas tells me when I freeze in the doorway. All I have to do is walk in, just walk in and face him, "I'll go" Lucas says and I feel his presence behind me leave.
For a while longer I just continue to stare at the still figure on the 床, 床上 and then as my 心 beats faster I step forward, the step after that is easier and each one after that is even easier until I'm practically running.
Unable to stop I grab one of his hands and hold it between both of mine like I've done so many other times in the past. It feels good.
"Hey" I whisper, lifting his hand to 吻乐队(Kiss) it, "I'm here"
Then I watch as his eyes slowly flutter open, at first he smiles and his eyes light up and it feels like coming home. This is where I belong. I smile back.
In the 下一个 秒 his eyes clear and the smile slowly falls, before my eyes I watch the joy leave his, and instead they fill with despair and guilt.
Clutching his hand tighter my smile tightens, "it's all right" and I have no idea what I'm condoning.
Am I seeing my expression reflected in his eyes? 或者 is there something else?
Is he saying sorry that he's dying, apologising for Abby stepping away from that silent promise we'd all made like I once did?
I'm not sure, so I 摇篮 his hand against my lips and say it again "it's all right"
I don't expect Keith to rip his hand from my grip, I sit back in shock as he closes his eyes and turns his face from me, "go" he whispers but I can't move.
"GO!" he screams this time and his arm moves out to knock over the vase 由 his bed, I jump and step away from the chair, "JUST LEAVE!"
I start to shake, "Keith, please"
"GO!" he screams even louder, his voice hoarse and I run, I run as fast as I can, out of the room and down the hall.
I almost knock Lucas over but I don't stop, I keep running, I almost fall but I get my balance back and fly into the elevator just before the doors shut. Flinging myself into the corner I back away from the others, I try to get as far away from that room.
What must I look like, a fifteen-year-old girl crying her eyes out in the corner of a hospital elevator, but like I 说 - most of the time they don't ask questions.
When the doors open on the bottom floor I start running again, I wish I could be running to him but instead I'm running away, again, but this time it's because he no longer wants me.
*Allie*
It took 更多 out of me than I ever imagined, one 秒 longer and I would have started shaking, I would have cried in front of Sawyer and everything I have worked hard for would be for nothing.
I've tried oh how I've tried to 移动 on but it was hard, it still is hard and getting 更多 so each day.
Turning the corner I keep my composure but the 秒 those elevator doors close I slip along the back of the small enclosure until I am sitting on its floor with my arms around my knees. The tears fall unashamed, uncaring that it makes me look so weak.
Sawyer hates me, which means Abby and Keith must too and even if I deserve it, it still hurts to think that he hates me, not when it wasn't so long 以前 that Keith loved me 更多 than anyone in this entire world.
That of course was before I cut them all out of my life. They saved me and they bit 由 bit destroyed me at the same time. It was easier before I cared so much before I had so much to lose.
Even now I want to escape the onslaught of emotions, every fibre of my being is resisting the urge I have to go to the closest private area, get the sharpest thing near me and cut my skin open til I bleed.
Oh, just thinking about that release makes the urge stronger but I bite my lip and continue to resist. It helps but it's like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound.
There are three reasons why I cut and they probably wouldn't make sense to most people, Sawyer understood though and Keith did his best to stop me ever having to.
It's all about the numbness, to get rid of it 或者 to get it back. When it's moments like this, when everything is so powerful and strong I can barely cope, when I need to calm down and find that numbness, it's like 由 cutting my flesh I am literally opening myself up, cutting an escape for all those emotions to just seep out of. That blood that bubbles up and runs down, that is the hate, the anger, the sadness, the grief, that is the pain and desperation. And for a little while I am free.
Other times, it's the opposite, Sawyer once 说 that feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. It lets 你 know you're still alive. For me, the pain isn't about knowing I'm still here, a tangible being breathing and existing, the pain is about the ability to feel something, anything, I know I'm alive, but I want to be 更多 than simply that.
The third reason is blatantly simple, some days I just feel like punishing myself.
Right now I'm resisting the urge, my nails dig deeper into my flesh, a small release but I won't give in. I refuse to. How is my happy new life? Well, most of the scars are fading.
Some scars though will always stand out, no matter how pale the skin.
The elevator doors open and a doctor walks in, for the 下一个 ten 分钟 I ride the elevator not knowing when 或者 where I want to get off, not knowing if I'm ready to leave quite yet. Others come off and on, no one speaks to me, and no one 问题 the red eyes. That's the thing about hospitals, nobody ever asks questions.
Most of the time.
…
The first time I met the Scott's was in this very hospital, I was still not use to it here being new to 树 Hill. My parents moved here because of the hospital and its experimental treatments with leukaemia, the best in the state they 说 and it had the advantage of the small town charm. As if that would mean something to me when they were taking me from the only 首页 I had ever known, away from my school and my 老友记 and the small security I had. I hated it on sight of course and I cursed them for bringing me here. Cancer had ruined my life and I didn't even have it.
I loved my little brother and watching him slowly suffer was painful but I was still young and selfish, I was angry and bitter. At the cancer for daring to hurt my brother, at my brother for possibly leaving me alone, and at my parents who had little time for me before it all started and who now seemingly ignored my existence. What I wanted never mattered, I couldn't make Zane healthy, I couldn't make my parents smile, and I couldn't do anything right, everything I did just made things worse.
So I took it out on myself and anybody 或者 anything around me.
It was my 秒 week in 树 爬坡道, 小山 and after deciding to make my outer appearance match my inner emotions I was sporting dyed black hair and dark depressing clothes. My parents didn't even blink; my father had looked at me for a moment and asked if I had cut my hair. We were all at the hospital while Zane went through another round of chemo, I hated watching it so I had snuck off to go explore the halls that I would be spending a lot of time in.
I didn't get far before I found the vending machine and decided to get something to drink, only the thing wouldn't work, swearing I'd kicked it, inside my mind I was kicking something else entirely.
"How's that working for you?" an amused voice had cut in and I'd looked up to find a tall, skinny blonde girl a few years older than me leaning against the 墙 with her arms crossed. Her narrow blue eyes looked me up and down as she smirked, "here kid let me help you" and she'd pushed herself off the 墙 and walked over to me.
"You have to double press it because it jams" and then she was handing me my drink, "you must be new here?"
I didn't need to say anything. She'd gotten herself a drink and touched a finger to her lip before stretching out, "sibling, right?" and continued to stare at me, then she looked around and tapped her lip again, "let me take a stab at it… cancer… about, what, six months?"
My mouth had dropped in shock, "how'd 你 know?"
She had chuckled, cracked her can and taken a long 吞, 燕子 before moving the can down and shaking her head, "damn it, she's good" was muttered and at the time I had no idea what she was going on about. Before my eyes she had pulled a flask out of her leather 夹克 and topped up her half empty can, when she noticed me watching she held the flask out and kinked her brow. I would be lying if I didn't consider it.
Instead a younger girl stepped out from around the corner and frowned, "Sawyer!"
"What?" The older blonde shot back innocently and placed the flask back.
The other girl stepped forward, "hi, I'm Abby and this is my sister Sawyer"
They didn't look much alike, Zane and I could be twins if not for the age difference and obvious gender issues, but Abby and Sawyer couldn't be 更多 different. Sawyer was quite tall and looked like what my Mom would call a twig, her blonde hair was fair and her narrow eyes were a pale blue, she had a small nose which tilted up slightly and reminded me slightly of a 小狗 and her face was long with a strong jaw. Abby had a look of shortness about her, her long hair was that particular shade where it was hard to tell whether it was a dark blonde 或者 a light brown, 或者 simply a mix of both, and her eyes were big and she had a button nose, there was something rounder about her features, not just the face and nose but everything even her body that though slim just looked curvier than Sawyer could ever dream to be.
"Allie" I had told them, still uncertain about these strangers. They had smiled and there was a flicker of resemblance, they each had a dimple on their left cheek though Abby's was 更多 pronounced and never really disappeared like Sawyer's.
They had taken me up to the zone, an area at the hospital designed for the patients and guests under twenty-one, and on the way they had shown me the ropes. From introducing me to various staff member, security guards included, giving me a tour of where to find the best vending machines, toilets and the cafeteria, to even 展示 me the quickest way to fresh air. Trust me that can be very important when you're in a hospital and the walls start closing in on you.
"So this is where all the cool people hang out" Sawyer had dryly held up her arms in the zone, then she's walked over to the pool table, "you play?"
Abby and Sawyer then proceeded to kick my 屁股 at pool; actually they completely hustled me and took my allowance. It wasn't until another 日 that Abby told me how to pass the time while Keith was in hospital their mother taught them how to play pool, and here's a life tip – never bet against Brooke Scott. It was Brooke who had donated the 表 to the hospital, and I spent a lot of time up on that floor playing at that 表 with the Scott girls. Though that first time I didn't know what was going to happen, I didn't know we'd all become good friends.
When I was broke they took me back downstairs, my mood had slightly changed from that girl who'd been kicking a machine. In that time we'd chatted, mostly about crap but I'd learnt they had a brother Keith between them who had APL, which was the same type of cancer Zane was diagnosed with.
I wasn't prepared for meeting him though, how can anyone prepare for that, the moment your eyes connect with someone and 你 just know, deep inside, that that person is going to change your whole world.
It was another two weeks before I met Keith, Sawyer hadn't come that 日 because she was with her boyfriend and after getting with 面包车, 范 she stopped hanging around the hospital as much altogether. So Abby dragged me down, first she 说 hi to my parents who she'd run into before, then she had asked me if I wanted to meet her family.
Meeting Keith, I will never forget that moment. Abby's smile when she pulled me along to his 床, 床上 where like my own brother he was getting chemo, seeing the pretty brunette woman 阅读 由 the bed, the woman I would soon learn was their mother Brooke. Then I had turned and time stopped, I can't exactly explain it.
At first I felt like someone had shifted the ground slightly from under me, but I could barely 移动 as his eyes locked onto mine. That saying about getting 迷失 in someone's eyes had always been just a saying to me, a line of fiction used in 图书 或者 movies, but that was exactly what happened. I didn't even get a chance to see anything else about him, those eyes had locked onto me and that was it. They were the colour of muddy water except more… well… 更多 beautiful, poetic, their green/brown orbs deep enough to just fall into.
I hadn't even realised Abby was talking until she repeated my name and nudged me, feeling embarrassed I had looked away from Keith's eyes and glanced at the others. They seemed unaware of my lapse, so I looked at Keith again. He was skinny and pale with a baldhead, where his skin wasn't white Keith looked bruised 或者 red, and my 心 had ached for him.
But then he had smiled and amongst everything that screamed death I saw something so alive and healthy about him, that sparkle in his eyes spread across his face as he smiled, two deep dimples appearing to frame it.
Then he'd held out his hand and I had stepped 前锋, 期待 to take it, we didn't shake hands, the moment our fingers curled around each other we just held them in place between us, our eyes locking again. His smile softened, "hi" and the surprising warmth of his hand spread all the way to my 心 with that one simple word.
Over the following weeks I grew closer to the Scott family, I also fell head over heels in 爱情 with Keith, and those weeks turned to months. Together we forced each other out of our shells, I did my best to remind him he was still alive and he gave me a reason to want to be still alive.
In that time Keith went into remission, his dark hair grew back curlier than ever, and we built hopes and dreams around each other.
I should have known then, from the very start, that the only way it could possibly end was with my 心 broken.
…
Alone in the elevator I cry some more, unable to stop the river falling from my eyes, I don't know how long it can last, how much liquid could possibly be left in my body. It seems like I have a never-ending supply. I swipe at the tears, sniffling as I do.
The doors slide open again and this time I'm suddenly facing Lucas Scott, he looks shocked, not hostile if anything he gets that familiar broody look on his face and appears concerned, "Allie?"
I give a sad smile and nod.
"Are 你 okay?" and that is such a typical Scott move, one of the reasons why they are so addictive, because they care. No matter what is happening they always care about each other and others. They don't even seem to know how special that is, how I would kill to have that at home.
Again wiping at my eyes I say, "I'm fine" but for some reason I shake my head contradicting my words.
I feel completely stupid. Why did I think I could just come here and it would be fine, why did I think I could come here and I'd be fine? I shouldn't have. "What am I doing here?" I mutter to myself.
He steps into the elevator and gently pulls me out, his long arms wrapping around me, "hey, it's okay" he whispers, words 说 to soothe but really have little meaning. Nobody can promise everything will be okay, hell if saying it could I should be saying it to him.
…
Back when it was all happening, when I was so absorbed in my first love, everything seemed perfect, nothing could possibly darken our worlds. Cancer, what was that? A stepping-stone, a way for fate to bring our two lives crashing together, it wouldn't matter in the end because Keith would get better, and he would beat it. Nothing else could happen, could it? No, because it was us.
And we could save each other.
The first time I knew he felt the same way about me was a 月 after that first meeting and we were alone together as Keith was having chemo. This particular 日 he wasn't coping well, it was barely ten 分钟 before he was throwing up, I'd sat there not wanting to watch, not because it sickened me but because I hated seeing Keith in pain.
So I read to him when Brooke went to the bathroom, picking up the story where she left off, stumbling over words but refusing to stop as Keith once again bent over the bowl in his arms. When he'd laid back down and closed his eyes I had put the book down and just looked at him, not even realising I had even stopped until he rolled his head to the side to look at me, "you don't have to stay if 你 don't want to, my mom will be back soon"
"I don't mind, I want to" I told him with a solemn face, my smile at this point was still hard to come by, but Keith had grinned and relaxed back down waiting for me to continue, so I did.
The 下一个 time he vomited I dropped the book and ran to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and letting him half rest on me. When he finished Keith sagged against me, "I'm sorry"
"It's okay"
"No, it's not. Every time 你 see me I'm sick in a hospital bed" and to prove his point he started coughing.
"I like seeing 你 like this… I mean not like this, but I like seeing you, I mean – uh"
He'd chuckled, "I like seeing 你 too… maybe 下一个 time I see 你 it could be different, maybe somewhere else?"
"I'd like that" I'd answered just before Brooke returned and teased us mercilessly, we both had blushed but I didn't mind.
The 下一个 time I saw Keith wasn't at the hospital, and it was one of the best days of my life.
…
Having Lucas hug me is nice though uncomfortable, truth be told I never really got use to the whole affectionate thing. My family just never does that, I can count on one hand how many times my mother has hugged me and let me just say that I would have some spare fingers left over, and my father… well he's even worse. I got a high five once, back when I was like five. Some families just aren't the touchy feely sort. My parents believed their job was to make sure I had a good education and a nanny 或者 housekeeper could supply anything else. We weren't rich and nowhere near touched the Scott's but we were what was called comfortable, comfortable enough that my parents were always able to work and my brother and I were watched 由 staff. That is until Zane got sick and they decided to play the parents, to one of us at least.
Before I met Keith and his family the only person to ever really 显示 me any sort of affectionate 爱情 was my little brother, and even then our relationship couldn't hold a candle to that of them. Zane's mission in life was to annoy me, we fought from the moment he was able to steal my toys.
I pull away from Lucas and wipe at my eyes even though I'm no longer crying, "I'm fine, really" and just 由 the look Lucas sends me I know he doesn't believe me.
His voice is quiet; he genuinely cares "how are things at home?"
"The same" I give a cynical chuckle, if anyone knows what we've been through its this man because he's going through the same thing, "it pretty much blows" nothing has changed except for me and sometimes I wonder if changing would do anything because I still pretty much hated my life. Wiping my eyes again I ask, "you?"
Lucas' lip curls up, "yeah" is all he says, and it says it all. It pretty much blows.
My life was meant to be… easier, less painful, I don't know, it made sense at the time, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I thought I could just put it behind me, everyone goes through that first heartbreak but I was lying to myself.
It's impossible not to care, it's impossible not to think about him, it's impossible to stay away, and I can fight it but eventually I was always going to give in.
The 秒 I heard Keith was back in hospital I knew I had to come, and when I heard the news about Abby and what she was doing it was like someone had punched their fist through my chest, grabbed my 心 and squeezed a little. I hadn't spoken a word but inside I started to scream in denial.
I'm not being dramatic here, it happened just like that.
I think I'm still in shock.
That's why I had to come here, I needed to see him, touch him and feel his 心 beating under my lips.
Sawyer would kill me but I had to try, "can I… can I… see him?" the words come out in a stutter but Lucas' eyes soften, he nods "of course" and I wonder just how much he knows, I wonder if he has any idea what I did. They are so secretive sometimes, like their own little club.
For a while I got to be a part of that.
…
"Okay" Sawyer had turned to us one 日 as we sunbaked in the spot 由 the river we called our own, "we're stuck in a burning building, all about to fry our asses and 你 can only save one of us, who is it?" she'd been wearing her bikini and was stretched out over a rock.
Abby had been on the rope 摇摆, 秋千 kicking herself against the rocks but at the 问题 she held her feet down, "who would 你 save?" she shot back at Sawyer. The older girl shrugged, "myself I guess"
We had all laughed, and then Sawyer had 说 "no, seriously? 你 have to answer the question"
We had all looked at each other, smiling I think because we sorta knew the answer, then Tyler had stood up from where he'd been floating below us and shaken the water out of his dark hair, "just wait, is my 吉他 part of the equation because that's like an extension of my soul?"
"No, dumb ass" Sawyer threw a nearby stick at him and Ty lunged forward, pulling himself up onto the rocks he grabbed Sawyer 由 the wrists and dragged her into the water screaming with him.
It was just another summer 日 for us, lazing around 由 the river talking about everything and nothing. Keith's colour was good that day, I remember running my hands along his bare chest and comparing our skin tones that weren't that different anymore. As Sawyer and Ty had splashed in the water I snuggled against Keith, my arms wrapped around him as he gently stroked the bare skin of my upper arm. From habit I had tensed, he'd sensed it and looked at me oddly before realising he'd been tracing the pale silver lines that go across my skin, "its all right" he'd whispered and sitting up he's leant down and kissed them, "I just wish I could make 你 happy enough"
"You do" I whispered back and grabbed his hands, "you have no idea how much"
That was the first time he told me he loved me, crashing my cheeks between his hands he's looked deep into my eyes "I 爱情 you"
And I started to smile like a stupid kid, "I 爱情 你 too" and then he's kissed me, a bone-melting kiss.
"I guess we don't have to ask them their answer" Abby had grinned and let go of the rope to splash into the water, the splash interrupted the moment and Keith and I quickly pulled away as we became drenched.
"And they say blood is thicker than water" Sawyer had dryly commented, and then Ty had put a finger on his chin "well if I had to pick between my three favourite cousins and Keith's little girlfriend I'd def go for… hmmm, well… no one!" he splashed us all again.
And we all knew he didn't mean he wouldn't save us, wrapping an arm around both Sawyer and Abby Ty added "all 或者 none of us"
"We stick together" Keith smiled and then took my hand and kissed it before leading me down to the bank of the river.
All 或者 none of us, and where are we now?
…
Lucas leads me to Keith's room and I'm not surprised to find Sawyer missing, though it's odd to see Keith's bedside so empty.
"He's asleep" Lucas tells me when I freeze in the doorway. All I have to do is walk in, just walk in and face him, "I'll go" Lucas says and I feel his presence behind me leave.
For a while longer I just continue to stare at the still figure on the 床, 床上 and then as my 心 beats faster I step forward, the step after that is easier and each one after that is even easier until I'm practically running.
Unable to stop I grab one of his hands and hold it between both of mine like I've done so many other times in the past. It feels good.
"Hey" I whisper, lifting his hand to 吻乐队(Kiss) it, "I'm here"
Then I watch as his eyes slowly flutter open, at first he smiles and his eyes light up and it feels like coming home. This is where I belong. I smile back.
In the 下一个 秒 his eyes clear and the smile slowly falls, before my eyes I watch the joy leave his, and instead they fill with despair and guilt.
Clutching his hand tighter my smile tightens, "it's all right" and I have no idea what I'm condoning.
Am I seeing my expression reflected in his eyes? 或者 is there something else?
Is he saying sorry that he's dying, apologising for Abby stepping away from that silent promise we'd all made like I once did?
I'm not sure, so I 摇篮 his hand against my lips and say it again "it's all right"
I don't expect Keith to rip his hand from my grip, I sit back in shock as he closes his eyes and turns his face from me, "go" he whispers but I can't move.
"GO!" he screams this time and his arm moves out to knock over the vase 由 his bed, I jump and step away from the chair, "JUST LEAVE!"
I start to shake, "Keith, please"
"GO!" he screams even louder, his voice hoarse and I run, I run as fast as I can, out of the room and down the hall.
I almost knock Lucas over but I don't stop, I keep running, I almost fall but I get my balance back and fly into the elevator just before the doors shut. Flinging myself into the corner I back away from the others, I try to get as far away from that room.
What must I look like, a fifteen-year-old girl crying her eyes out in the corner of a hospital elevator, but like I 说 - most of the time they don't ask questions.
When the doors open on the bottom floor I start running again, I wish I could be running to him but instead I'm running away, again, but this time it's because he no longer wants me.