What do 你 think about my fanfiction?

I read chapters 1 and 2. Good start! I applaud your creativity and I like the premise of chapter 1.
As an aspiring writer myself, I suggest that 你 put in some descriptions of the surroundings and make your characters do things, 移动 around and be active. Try to balance the dialogue with actions.
Also, sometimes I got confused on who was talking. Use some quick (I said) 或者 (he said) after the dialogue to make it 更多 clear to the reader who is talking.

Again, good work. Keep writing!