I was expecting the kind of reaction I used to get when I'd say those kinds of things. But she just looked at me. Speculating. Was she actually thinking about it?! My 心 beat faster as I grabbed at the oportunity.
"I could stay with you." I blurted out, and then thought better of it. "Unless 你 wanted space, then I could find somewhere else. If 你 did not want me crowding you." I was so happy that I might get what I had dreamt of for so long, I was babbling on.
"What would 你 tell Charlie, Bella?" She 说 as though she could not believe I hadn't thought of that already.
I looked down, deflated. No I couldn't give up. Just think, Bella, I told myself. Okay, say this was a normal situation. That was a strech, and it took me a while to 包, 换行 my head around it, but when I did finally I got some ideas.
"I tell Charlie we're moving in together, and going to college somewhere really far away."
She looked suprised. Perfect.
"And what do 你 think that would help, Bella?" she did not sound mad. Just patient.
"What would it help? Alice...look at me! Do I look okay? What wouldn't it help?"
She opened her mouth to say something, and then shut it again. We sat there for a moment. Just lookig at each other. My eyes were begging, hers were thinking. Hard.
Her eyes grew wide, and suddenly my eyes weren't the only ones begging.
"Bella..." she 说 after a 分钟 或者 two, in a slightly paniced voice. "I don't even know if I could, and there are so many things 你 don't know, and he'd kill me!" she blurted out.
I knew who she was talking about. Try as I may not to. I knew.
"Why...Why would he care? He left, Alice. He 说 he never wanted to see me again. The only thing he asked is that I be safe...How much safer can 你 get?" I argued. She was about to argue back at me, so I went on before she cold start.
"And what if he did care? So what? It's not his decition anymore. 你 could teach me what I don't know. And I believe in you. 你 can do it. Don't 你 think I have the right to make this decition for myself?"
She paused. Her eyes bored into mine.
"Yes." she answered quietly. "You do."
I jumped up. She stood up, too, and we stared at each other again. "Really?" I asked, breathless. Could this be happening? Did I finally just get what I've been wanting for almost a year?...Was it really only a year? It felt like an eternity...
"Will 你 really make me a vampire?" Excitement made my voice a little louder then it should have been. She, "Shh"ed me.
"There is no guarantee that I will be able to, Bella. You're taking a very big risk. And do 你 really think I'd be able to live without you? Especially if I had killed 你 myself?" she was panicing. She was 表演 so...human.
"Everything will be okay, Alice. Everything will be perfect." I was a lie. And yet it wasn't. If this worked, then I would be able to follow him...be able to follow Edward. There as no pain in thinking his name now. Not when I had hope. Not when I was going to see him again. Soon.
"And the pain?" she asked, breaking me from my daydream. "The 年 of 你 being a newborn?"
I was confused 由 her use of words. Newborn? I suppose I understood. I would be 'born' in a way. Born to a whole new life. A better life. I smiled. But I made myself focus. "I can handle the pain." It did not sound like a lie, because at the time I 说 it, I thought it was true. Then I remembered the ballet studio. The 火, 消防 in my vains. I rubbed my wrist where I would always be scarred as if I could feel it again. Her eyes darted to my wrist and narrowed when she looked back at my face. "And 你 would help me, right?" I asked to distract her. "You wouldn't let me do anything." I 说 with confidence. I was winning this arguement. That was a first.
"Your friends?" she asked.
"Like who? Jessica?" I snorted. But then I thought back on it. The only reason why I hadn't thought of him at first was because it felt like another time. A time before Jacob Black was my best friend. It felt like time switched back to the present when I thought of him. I felt painfully guilty. I would miss him so much. But did he even want to talk to me anymore, 或者 had he 给 up? I should let him give me up. It would be a lot easier to let him go if I had something other than him to keep me alive. And now I did have that. So I could. It hurt. But I had felt much worse. I could live through it. And so could he.
Alice must have seen the pain on my face, because she 说 skeptically, "Really?"
But I was sure now. So I answered her in a firm voice. "Yes. I'm sure."