2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells 你 to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the 爱情 of your life. 你 should stay with him since he will keep 你 安全 forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling 你 he will never see 你 again), it is because he loves 你 so much he will suffer just to keep 你 safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your 老友记 and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as 你 keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even 更多 romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave 你 always come back.
9. Because they come back, 你 should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though 你 have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, 你 should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy 你 something.
11. 你 should use 说 male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical 或者 technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while 你 run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what 你 must do.
13. Car theft in the service of 爱情 is acceptable.
14. If the boy 你 are in 爱情 with causes 你 (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten 你 end up in the hospital, 你 should tell the doctors and your family that 你 “fell down the steps” because 你 are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if 你 sacrifice everything 你 are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills 或者 emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When 写作 a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal 来源 material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making 或者 watching a major feature film, 你 should gleefully embrace the 20 分钟 of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. 吸血鬼 — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.
