YES, THIS TAKES A FEW 分钟 TO READ, BUT IT IS FUNNY!
If 你 can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying 由 the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If 你 pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of 你 who have lived in Texas, 你 know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time 万圣节前夕 comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an Inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Care Free, Arizona.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's 表 asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured 由 the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free 啤酒 during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth 番茄 flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? 你 could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs 更多 peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in 更多 啤酒 when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE 谷仓 CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine 由 now. Get me 更多 啤酒 before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black 豆 chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of 青柠, 石灰 in the black beans. Good side dish for 鱼 或者 other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the 啤酒 maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use 更多 tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had 给 me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding 由 pouring 啤酒 directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my 屁股 with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've 迷失 sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My 衬衫 is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was 迷失 when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on 最佳, 返回页首 of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 No Report.
If 你 can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying 由 the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If 你 pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of 你 who have lived in Texas, 你 know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time 万圣节前夕 comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an Inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from Care Free, Arizona.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's 表 asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured 由 the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free 啤酒 during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth 番茄 flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? 你 could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs 更多 peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in 更多 啤酒 when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE 谷仓 CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine 由 now. Get me 更多 啤酒 before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black 豆 chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of 青柠, 石灰 in the black beans. Good side dish for 鱼 或者 other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the 啤酒 maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use 更多 tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had 给 me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding 由 pouring 啤酒 directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my 屁股 with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've 迷失 sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My 衬衫 is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was 迷失 when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on 最佳, 返回页首 of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
Judge # 3 No Report.