Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures
Season 2, Episode 7
"How to Deal With an Emperor Like Malmard"
[The episode begins around 圣诞节 time and Kai-Lan and the gang are setting up the palace with tons of 圣诞节 decorations.]
Kai-Lan: Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Rintoo: Hanging décor up with friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoho: Being here with 老友记 and family.
Tolee: Fa la la la la la, la la la
All: We 爱情 圣诞节 and all the presents. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
[Everyone laughs.]
Kai-Lan: That was so super 你 guys. Do 你 think we should keep going.
Rintoo: I don't know, Kai-Lan. We should save that for when we go caroling this week. We'll have lots of luck there.
[The doorbell rings. Kai-Lan walks over there to see who it is.]
Kai-Lan: Ni Hao, Lulu.
Lulu: Ni hao, Kai-Lan. Where do 你 want these presents?
Kai-Lan: Over there, right 由 the tree.
[Lulu walks over to the tree.]
Lulu: Wow. This 树 is amazing, where did 你 get it from?
Rintoo: 你 know that 商店 with those peppermint sticks in the window?
Lulu: Yeah.
Rintoo: That's where it's from.
Lulu: Sweet. So when do we start caroling?
Kai-Lan: As soon as Tyler gets here. He just loves singing.
Tolee: That's weird, because he didn't mention that when we met him.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Surprise. He kinda told me personally. Wanna know how I know? I was on my way to see Mr. Fluffy one day, and I happened to see him in the park. And there was, 唱歌 his 心 out.
[Flashback blur.]
Tyler: [singing] Here comes the sun, do do do do. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. [hums]
Kai-Lan: Ni hao, Tyler.
Tyler: Oh, Kai-Lan. What a surprise to see 你 here.
Kai-Lan: I didn't know 你 could sing.
Tyler: Yeah, I didn't want no one else to find out about that, but you're right here, so I might as well come clean.
Kai-Lan: How long have 你 been singing?
Tyler: Ever since I was a little kid. For some reason, I couldn't tell no one, so I've kept it a secret ever since.
Kai-Lan: Oh I see. 你 wanna keep stuff like that out of the general public, huh?
Tyler: Yeah, pretty much.
[Flashback cut off.]
Kai-Lan: And that's how I found out. And if I'm correct, he should be coming through here in...
[The doorbell rings.]
Kai-Lan: Now.
[Kai-Lan walks over to the door.]
Tyler: Who's ready for caroling?
Rintoo: I can already tell someone's ready.
Tyler: 你 know I am. So, how's my number 1 money maker doing?
Rintoo: 你 know, the same ol' stuff.
Tyler: I know how 你 feel right now. I do nearly the same stuff myself. Take inventory, manage the distribution line. 你 know, basics.
Hoho: Well, at least you'll be able to take some time off to carol with us.
Tyler: 你 got that right. I just don't know how I'll be able to pull off 唱歌 in front of people. I've never done it before. But tonight I'm willing to take that chance. Now, let's get this thing over with.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Alright then, let's go.
[Everyone heads out of the door when all of a sudden, a note with a very unfamiliar note is 发布 on the front door.]
Rintoo: Huh, what's this?
Tyler: Huh, it looks like a cease and desist order...from...oh, no.
Hoho: What is it?
Tyler: This letter is from...hear me out...Emperor Malmard.
[The gang gasps in fear.]
Rintoo: Malmard? 你 mean big jerk Malmard?
Tyler: Yup.
Kai-Lan: But why? What does it even say?
Tyler: It says that effective immediately, there will be no 圣诞节 caroling of any kind, and if anyone is caught caroling, they will receive two weeks of house arrest, 或者 the possibility of being exile from China.
Tolee: This doesn't make any sense. Why would someone as bad as Malmard ban 圣诞节 caroling? It's like a special part of the 圣诞节 season. It's something 你 can't take away.
Kai-Lan: Tolee's right. We need to see Malmard and get him to tell us why.
Tyler: 你 know, I know Malmard can act like a jerk sometimes, but don't 你 think we should think about why we're gonna see him, because there's a chance he could throw us out.
Rintoo: That's a chance that I'm willing to take. Come on. We can take the royal van.
Tyler: 你 guys actually have a royal van? That's interesting.
Kai-Lan: Everything here is royal.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to the garage, where the royal 面包车, 范 is being pulled out.]
Kai-Lan: Tyler, I like 你 to meet the royal van.
Tyler: This is suppose to be your royal van? It looks like a Dodge Grand Caravan to me.
Kai-Lan: 你 might think it's a Dodge, but it's actually a 面包车, 范 that looks like a Dodge. So if people start asking about it, we just say it's not a Dodge. 你 like it?
Tyler: I guess I do, since 你 told me all of that. Now are we gonna go 或者 what?
Rintoo: Yeah, I wanna get my piece of mind to that jerk Malmard.
[Everybody hops into the 面包车, 范 with ease. A few 秒 later, Rintoo drives the 面包车, 范 out of the driveway. The scene later cuts to part of the town they are now driving through.]
Tyler: So Rintoo, I can tell 你 already had problems with this man in the past. 你 willing to tell me what happened before.
Rintoo: Well, last year, he made an announcement on TV that got to me, and then when he showed up and heard me talk about him, he challenged me on "The Most Eligible Emperor".
Tyler: Oh yeah, I heard about that. 你 were really good out there. As a matter of fact, I see why a lot of people call 你 the most eligible emperor. 你 clearly have a personality that everyone could get along with.
Rintoo: Yeah well, that's something for ya. I'm really nice one 你 get to know. Right, guys?
Kai-Lan: Rintoo's right. We're that well-known around China. Since we're royalty, we pretty much get invited to every party there is.
Tyler: I see. Did I tell 你 something like this happened to me one day?
Kai-Lan: No.
Tyler: Well, guess what? It did. I was trying to leave work, and some dude came up to me and said: "You are the worst man I have ever seen. How do 你 run a business like that? Get your men together and I mean 你 better get them together 或者 this company will start plummeting toward getting shut down." He 说 that to me so good that I never bothered forgetting about it.
Tolee: How long was this?
Tyler: Not that long. I say about a few months to a 年 ago. I can't really tell.
Rintoo: Alright guys, here we are. It's time to put that mean emperor in his place.
[Rintoo and the crew arrives at Emperor Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright. I think we might get in through the back fence.
Tolee: How are we gonna do that?
Rintoo: Watch this. [throws a raw 牛扒, 牛排 at the guard dogs] This'll lead us to the secret entrance, which is the cellar.
Tyler: How do 你 know about this place?
Rintoo: I kinda snooped around one time. It really got to me when I noticed how big this place was compared to our castle.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to one of Malmard's windows. Rintoo is trying to see if he can carefully open it without setting off any alarms.]
Hoho: Are 你 sure this plan will work?
Rintoo: Are 你 kidding me? It's fool-proof. Now follow my lead.
[Rintoo gives out several hand signals leading into the plan to straighten out Malmard. He tells the group to quietly climb into the window and sneak into his main lounge, which is what he calls his relaxation cottage. After everyone is inside, Rintoo points them into the direction of the relaxation cottage, where Malmard and his assistances are currently enjoying their salads. This is where Rintoo puts on a fake mustache and a delivery suit.]
Malmard: Guys, I don't know how to say this, but today, I feel like I've done something amazing.
Assistant #1: What's that, sir?
Malmard: 你 know those no caroling flyers I put up today?
Assistant #2: Yeah.
Malmard: They've already been up for hours, and so far, no carolers have come to my door. I have a feeling that this holiday seasons might been the most quiet one China has ever had.
[There is a knock on the door, and one of the assistants goes over to answer it.]
Assistant #2: Can I help you?
Rintoo: [in a deep voice] Yes, do 你 know where I could find some red gush?
Assistant #2: Red gush? I don't if we have some, but I could go look.
Rintoo: No need, because I think I have what I need. [pulls off his disguise]
Malmard: Vic, who's at the door?
Vic: No one that I think 你 shouldn't see.
Malmard: That's impossible. If I knew someone was coming to the door, I would see them if I wanted to.
[Malmard walks around, and sees it's Rintoo.]
Malmard: You! What the hell do 你 think you're doing here?!
Rintoo: I might ask 你 that same question. What do 你 think you're doing?
Malmard: What do 你 think you're doing? Snooping around in my sacred castle, and pulling a fake cover just to get at me? I never thought 你 would pull it off.
Rintoo: Don't give me that nonsense. I here to set 你 straight.
Malmard: On what? What do 你 want to straighten me out for?
Rintoo: This.
Malmard: Oh, I see 你 found my little flyer about no 圣诞节 caroling.
Rintoo: That's right! How dare 你 ban something that people have been doing for years. Do 你 know how many people have gotten upset about this.
Malmard: 你 don't know what people think about these posters. I'm pretty sure that once they don't think about going 圣诞节 caroling they'll have the right mind to spend 更多 time with their families. Plus, I don't enjoy singing. It's an absolute eyesore and it hurts my ears just thinking about it. Now on another note, 你 didn't think about bringing the rest of your posse around here, did you?
Rintoo: I'll let 你 figure that out. Come on out guys!
[Kai-Lan and the rest of the group comes out.]
Kai-Lan: Malmard, 你 need to stop this nonsense.
Hoho: Yeah, 你 can't take 圣诞节 caroling away from us.
Tyler: Malmard, what you're doing is against all regulations of the holidays.
Malmard: Ah Tyler, the one man that can make marshmallows taste as good as ever.
Tyler: Don't give me that...you really like my company's marshmallows? I actually think they could use some 更多 flavor in them...wait a minute?! 你 can't fool me with that logic.
Malmard: Rintoo, I don't know why 你 and your little entourage is doing in my personal relaxation cottage, but all of 你 need to get your mild mannered asses out of here before I have my assistants throw out each and every last one of you. And I'll make sure 你 don't live to be emperor anymore.
Tolee: Aren't 你 taking this a little too far?
Malmard: [yelling] I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me how far I'm taking this! Obviously, 你 must have no goddamn idea what 圣诞节 caroling has done to me. It even has my assistants in an uproar.
Vic: It's true. We can't stop singing, and it's even gotten our dear emperor into a deep anger, and it's even making him wanna explode all over China's ass.
Malmard: Now 你 see why I banned caroling this year. It's nothing that's gonna make me happy, 或者 do this palace a favor. So I'm giving 你 guys 1 分钟 to get the hell out of here starting now, 或者 I'm having Vic and Paul drag 你 out. What is it gonna be?
[There is a brief silence.]
Rintoo: [sighs] Let's go.
[The gang starts leaving Malmard's palace. Rintoo stops for a 秒 to say one last thing before leaving.]
Rintoo: Malmard, I hope someone comes over and tells 你 off.
Malmard: Unfortunately, that is already happening.
Rintoo: [starts leaving] This ain't over. I'll be back. And when I do, you'll be able to oversee this ban. [leaves the room]
Malmard: Okay, what the fuck just happened?
[The scene cuts to the group back on the road. Rintoo is still at work thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban.]
Tyler: That was the worst 城堡 raid I have ever been to. I mean, this is even worst than when I broke into the rival 棉花糖 company.
Kai-Lan: There's a rival 棉花糖 company?
Tyler: Yeah. It's called Perfect Mallows. They say they're the best 棉花糖 company in China, but they're wrong. All they do is copy our recipes and take all the credit for it.
Tolee: How long has this been going on?
Tyler: A few years. My company has tried so hard to get those cheating bastards to come to their senses, but no, they don't want to cave in and cease operation. They just wanna keep going and steal all of our money. I tell ya, they make so mad I just wanna go to each of their houses with rolls of toilet paper and TP them.
Rintoo: Tyler, 你 know what 你 just did?
Tyler: What?
Rintoo: 你 just gave me the most awesome idea ever.
Tyler: What, TPing Malmard's castle?
Rintoo: Not really. I was referring to cheating him out of his ban. If he sees what he did was wrong, then he'll have to stop the ban.
Tyler: The only 问题 is, will this get him to cave in?
Rintoo: I hope it will.
[The scene cuts back to the palace.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, what do 你 think about these 圣诞节 lights. Are they enough to light up the tree?
Rintoo: Hmm. Why not?
Kai-Lan: Okay then. [throws the lights on the 树 and turns them on] Super. I knew they would light up the entire tree.
[Rintoo is so busy thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban that he doesn't notice how good the lights are on the tree. This makes Kai-Lan wonder about him.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, you've been thinking about how to get back at Malmard's ban ever since we got back home. Matter of fact, you've been wrapped up in it that 你 didn't even notice the 圣诞节 lights. Don't 你 爱情 them?
Rintoo: Huh. [looks at the tree] Oh, it's fantastic. I actually like it.
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, is something wrong?
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, nothing is wrong. What makes 你 think something is wrong?
Kai-Lan: Well, for starters, you're looking into plans for your revenge on Malmard. And that's all you've been doing for the last two hours.
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, there are many things that would make me happy, but making Malmard take caroling away from us is not one of those things. And knowing that getting him to change his mind will make me the happiest emperor tiger in China.
Kai-Lan: Gee, I hope 你 figure something out.
Rintoo: Oh, I will.
[Kai-Lan leaves the room.]
Rintoo: I just hope whatever I come up with works, 或者 圣诞节 will be ruined.
[The scene cuts back to Malmard's castle.]
Malmard: Who does that little prick think he is? Trying to ruin my 圣诞节 plans, and convinces me to take off my no caroling ban? How rude.
Paul: Sir, don't 你 think you're taking this ban thing a little too far?
Malmard: Hell, no. It's for our sake, remember?
Paul: But I still think we're doing this out of proportion. I mean, people go 圣诞节 caroling every day, and it never affected 你 before.
Malmard: Yeah, but that was before I got my test results back.
Vic: Emperor Malmard, just because someone told 你 about your little situation doesn't mean 你 have to take it away from everyone else.
Malmard: Are 你 two trying to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? Do 你 think I need to check myself into a mental hospital, and tell them how crazy I am? Is that what 你 two fools think?
Paul: No sir, not at all.
Malmard: I hope so, because if 你 did, 你 two clowns wouldn't think of the harsh firing I would do to you.
Vic: I wouldn't want to think about it too.
Paul: Me neither.
Malmard: Now getting back to the subject of matter: How are going to keep this ban going? I feel like we should put up 更多 letters. I think we should do that.
Paul: But won't that upset everyone?
Malmard: That's what I'm hoping for. Now hear me out right now. We make a couple 更多 letters and post them all over town, and put an urgent message warning them what will happen if they do.
Paul: 你 already did that when we made that first batch of messages.
Malmard: I did?
Vic: House arrest for 2 weeks.
Malmard: Oh yeah I did. Huh, 你 know what. Two weeks sounds so simple. How about an entire month.
Vic: Then that person won't be able to do their daily activities.
Malmard: Well, too bad on them. This is for my sanity and well-being. Now help me make 更多 letters. This town needs less caroling this Christmas.
[The scene cuts back to the palace, where Rintoo, Tolee, Hoho and Tyler are thinking of how to get back at Malmard's ban.]
Tyler: How much have 你 come up with, Rintoo?
Rintoo: Practically that much. Since we came back, that's all I've been thinking about.
Tyler: That's a starter.
Hoho: I thought of something.
Rintoo: Really? What is it?
Hoho: How about we come back in even better costumes, then we can trick Malmard into bringing caroling back. 你 know, like in that old Ebenezer Scrooge story, when he was visited 由 the ghost of 圣诞节 past.
Tolee: 你 know what? I think that might be a great idea. Don't 你 think, guys?
Tyler: Yeah, then we could be able to get him into doing some other stuff that would humiliate him.
Rintoo: I'm liking what I'm hearing so far.
Hoho: I think we might have some white sheets we could use as ghost costumes.
Rintoo: Sweet, let's do it.
[The scene changes to a montage of the guys gathering up several old white sheets. This montage ends within 10 seconds.]
Tyler: Okay, do we have enough sheets?
Rintoo: We have five sheets and there's four of us. So I think we're good.
Hoho: And we have some backup just in case.
Kai-Lan: [walks in] 你 guys aren't planning something dangerous, are you?
Rintoo: What? Of course not. We would never consider gathering up 随意 things to cause trouble. Now would we?
Hoho: Oh no, we wouldn't. Especially around Christmas.
Kai-Lan: Oh okay. See 你 guys later. [walks off]
Tyler: Okay, get this stuff in the car.
[The guys gather up all the sheets and stuff them in the trunk.]
Tyler: Gentlemen, I think we're ready to scare Malmard out of his misery.
All: Yeah!
Rintoo: Alright, let's do this.
[The scene changes back to Malmard's castle. The guys are pulling out all their supplies for their plan, which they think might work.]
Rintoo: Guys, I don't know if this plan might work, but I hope it does. Because there is no way that there a caroling ban will ruin Christmas. I say if it doesn't work, there's always Plan B.
Tyler: Rintoo's right. We may not achieve if Malmard finds out it's us, but he may not have an idea if we use fake voices.
Tolee: Good idea. I can try to make myself sound like I have a little accent. I've been working on impersonations for a while.
Tyler: And I've been wanting to try out my new British accent for quite sometime now. Check it out. [talks in a British accent] Allow there, chap.
Hoho: Pretty nice.
Tyler: Thanks. Now, everyone got their ghost sheets and their emergency weapons?
Rintoo, Hoho, Tolee: Yeah.
Tyler: Then let's rock.
[The beginning of "Bad to the Bone" plays as the four walk toward Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright, we can sneak in through the main entrance. From what I figured out, no one could be guarding it 由 now.
Tolee: 你 sure?
Rintoo: Is having this much luck in becoming the most eligible emperor if China being sure?
Tolee: I guess so.
Rintoo: Alright then. Let's so this.
[Tyler and the boys quietly enter the 城堡 without being spotted. They then find Malmard in one of his many rooms, enjoying some of his 最喜爱的 citrus tea.]
Malmard: I 爱情 me this tea.
[All of a sudden, he hears a noise.]
Malmard: What was that?
Paul: What was what?
Malmard: That noise. G-go see what it is.
[Paul and Vic head outside. When they get there, they are somehow captured and tied up in chairs. Malmard realizes that both of his assistants are taking too long.]
Malmard: What the hell is taking those buffoons too long?
[This makes Malmard go outside and check it out for himself.]
Malmard: Vic, Paul, where the hell are 你 two at?! 你 better not be playing a joke on me, 'cause I can tell if two are doing something! Can 你 two hear me, 或者 do 你 need hearing aids?! Something's going on here. Usually those two come to me whenever I have something to say.
[Somehow, Rintoo and the guys appear behind him.]
Rintoo: Hello, Malmard.
Malmard: Ahh. Who the hell are you?
Hoho: [makes spooky noises] We are the ghosts of 圣诞节 past.
Malmard: Really? That's the best 你 could think of?
Tyler: Silence! We are here to 显示 what 你 are doing is wrong.
Malmard: What are 你 talking about? I haven't done anything wrong.
Tyler: Except for 你 banning 圣诞节 caroling in China.
Malmard: Oh that. I knew what I was doing and I did it for a reason.
Tolee: What would want to ban caroling?
Malmard: Okay, I'll tell ya. But I have one proposition.
Rintoo: What would that be?
Malmard: [sighs] The reason I banned 圣诞节 caroling this 年 is because...the last I went to the doctor, I had a little test on my hearing, and he told me that I might have a slight chance of losing it.
Tyler: Well then. I guess it's best of what we have to do now. Let's reveal who we really are.
[The guys take off their disguises.]
Malmard: What the?! H-h-h-how did you...?
Rintoo: Manage to trick 你 into telling us why 你 wanted to ban 圣诞节 caroling?
Malmard: Yes. I mean, why the holy hell would 你 trick outta something that is sacred to me? Do 你 have any idea how stupid 你 guys are gonna make me feel after this? Huh?! Do ya?!
Tolee: I think we do.
Malmard: 你 know. 你 guys outta be ashamed of yourselves. Dressing up as ghosts and pretending to scare me into giving up my big secret. Huh, I should have the nerve to call the damn police and sue 你 for trespassing.
Tyler: Wait. Before 你 decide to have us locked up, we just wanna say this: Instead of banning something because 你 might lose your hearing, why don't 你 try it to see whether 你 like it 或者 not.
Hoho: Yeah. Why don't 你 give it a try, instead of trying to put a ban on it?
Malmard: 你 know what, monkey. I have no idea.
Rintoo: Well now, 你 get a chance to experience what caroling feels like.
Malmard: [sighs] Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.
Rintoo: Sweet.
Tolee: Malmard, get ready to carol.
Malmard: Oh just one quick question.
Rintoo: What's that?
Malmard: Why are my men tied up?
Rintoo: [laughs] I guess I kinda went too far.
Malmard: 你 think.
[The scene changes to the first house Kai-Lan and 老友记 will be caroling at.]
Tolee: Alright, Malmard. This is where we start caroling. Just relax and you'll see how much fun caroling can be.
Malmard: I hope I enjoy it. Otherwise, the ban stays.
Kai-Lan: Say Rintoo, how did 你 guys managed to get Malmard to change his mind about 圣诞节 caroling?
Rintoo: We got him to tell us why he wanted to ban caroling in the first place, which was pretty easy once we got to talk to him.
Kai-Lan: Well, however 你 got him to spill what was going on, I'm pretty sure it will help with the ban.
[The scene changes to the door. Rintoo knocks.]
Man: Coming.
Rintoo: Alright Malmard, 你 ready?
Malmard: I think. I just hope my voice doesn't give out.
[A man comes out of his house.]
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Rintoo: Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Tolee: O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way [laughs]
Hoho: Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
Kai-Lan: What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
Man: Amazing, simply amazing. 你 guys are really talented.
Kai-Lan: Well, we have the best.
Man: Well, all I gotta say is that I'm glad I got the royal crew here tonight. Thanks again for the song.
Kai-Lan: You're welcome.
Rintoo: So Malmard, how did that make 你 feel?
Malmard: It kinda made me feel great. It's like something was missing from my life. It's making me wanna do it again.
Tyler: Well, there's nothing stopping you. We got a bunch of houses to go to. And we're not gonna get to them standing here. Let's hop to it.
[A snippet of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For 圣诞节 Is You" plays as Kai-Lan and the gang go caroling from house to house. Some of the montage also features Malmard taking down some of the letters about the ban on caroling.]
Malmard: [laughs] Wow, that was awesome! I never felt so alive!
Hoho: See, I told 你 that 你 would get used to it.
Malmard: Well, I didn't push no buttons 或者 anything.
Kai-Lan: 嘿 Malmard, do 你 think I could ask 你 something?
Malmard: Sure. Hit me up.
Kai-Lan: How did 你 get so mean and cold-hearted?
Malmard: Okay. I think it's best 你 guys should know this upfront. It's kinda hard to say this, but...I was born in a distant city outside of the UK. I was a happy, little boy. I enjoyed everything about life. My dad was always getting in each other's throats. There were times where he used to go at me the most, 或者 my mom. He was a horrible man. He would curse and fight anyone who got in his way. One day, he told my mom that he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. So he left. It left us heartbroken, especially my mom. It was now up to her to my mom, and with the help of my uncle, who was the head of Perfect Mallows.
Tyler: What?! 你 mean to tell me that all this long time, Nutbrown 野兔 Industries has been battling with a company that was run 由 your uncle?!
Malmard: Well, I wouldn't say my uncle, really. He was the founder of the company, then he passed down the operations to his son, which is my nephew.
Tyler: 你 mean that goody goody two shoes Matt Malmard?
Malmard: That's right.
Tyler: So does that mean he's has a bad bone in him too?
Malmard: Nope.
Tyler: Good to know.
Malmard: Now where was I? My uncle moved in with me so I could have a male role model in my childhood. He was always there for me in my time of need. 由 the time I left the house, my uncle was about to hand the company to one of my cousins. At that time, my dad came back. And he was mad! And I'm not talking about temporary madness, I'm talking about he was red in his face. So red that he was gonna explode right in his face. He came up to my uncle and told him that he better get his stupid 屁股 away from me 或者 he was gonna throw him out a window, then throw him into a car, while watching him bleed. So he did what he said, and then he asked me to come with him for something.
Rintoo: What was it?
Malmard: It was horrible. Once we got there, he made me into what I became. First, he put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I was in a 枕头 factory. It was so scary that I screamed for my life. But my father didn't let me. He made sure the doors were bolted shut, and he had security there to make sure I didn't escape. What happened to me didn't go smoothly. He completely brainwashed me into becoming a coldhearted, overachieving, selfish and ignorant emperor that had high hopes of taking over a large country. So I decided to come here. When I met 你 guys, I didn't know what to think of you. Part of what was left of my old self wanted to be friends, but my new self wanted revenge.
Rintoo: But wait, 你 didn't meet me until after that commercial 你 were in aired.
Malmard: True, but that's when I realized that I was still trying to get my bad side out of me. But nothing happened. I was stuck inside my mean body for the rest of my life. But luckily, 你 guys made me do something that I never done before. And that's how I became what I am.
Kai-Lan: Wow, I didn't know 你 had a hard life.
Malmard: It was a drag.
Kai-Lan: I know your pain.
Malmard: And the worst part is: I never got a chance to do some of the things I wanted to do.
[Everyone gasps.]
Malmard: That's right. I had a 列表 of things that I planned on doing before I became an emperor. But thanks to my dad messing up my adulthood, I never did.
Tolee: Well, we can help 你 with some of those things. That is, if 你 want us.
Malmard: [gasps] Really?
Rintoo: Of course. From what we heard, 你 sound like a nice guy who was stuck being mean for the rest of your life.
Hoho: And we now know that you're just a pretty nice guy.
Tyler: And even though the rival 棉花糖 company and I are having a little beef right now, I can find it in my 心 to forgive you.
Malmard: 你 know what. I'm glad that I got that out of my chest. It makes me feel like the man I used to be. And I gotta say: I am happy that 你 guys have agreed to be my friends.
Kai-Lan: So are we.
Hoho: [hugs Malmard] Bao bao. Bao bao.
[The others 加入 in the hug.]
Malmard: This...is the greatest moment of my life.
[The camera pans away from the gang. The scene then changes to 圣诞节 day, where everyone is at the palace, including Malmard's assistants, are enjoying the morning as they open their presents.]
Malmard: Well, I did it. I made it through without being mean. It's amazing. 你 know, I think I might be on the verge of getting back to my old self.
Rintoo: We're really proud of you, Malmard. Not only did 你 get through not being mean, but 你 really went through in your time of need.
Malmard: And all I needed was a little courage to get me through it.
Kai-Lan: And we helped you.
Malmard: And I appreciate it. Listen guys. I liked what 你 did 你 me over the past few days. It made me realize that what my dad put me through is a thing of the past. And I gotta say, they were horrible.
Hoho: And we know 你 wouldn't have liked it.
Malmard: [laughs] Good one.
Lulu: 嘿 Malmard, this one's for you.
[Malmard grabs his gift.]
Malmard: [gasps] Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Kai-Lan: What is it?
Malmard: It's something that I've been wanting my entire life.
Hoho: Tell us.
Malmard: It's...my very own toy train.
Rintoo: I figured 你 might like it.
Malmard: Like it? I 爱情 it! But why? I thought 你 hated me.
Rintoo: Nah. I hated the old you. Now that I got to know who 你 really are, I thought 你 would want a little something as a token of my gratitude.
Malmard: Oh, my God. I-I don't know what to say, except...thanks.
Rintoo: Why, you're welcome.
Kai-Lan: 嘿 guys, since we're all here together, why don't we sing.
Malmard: Good idea.
[Everyone gathers around for the song.]
All: We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring, to 你 and your kin
Good tidings for 圣诞节 and a happy New Year.
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy 布丁 and a cup of good cheer.
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some, so bring some out here.
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!
Malmard: Merry 圣诞节 to all. And to all, love, happiness, and great passion.
Kai-Lan: And lots of fun to come along.
[The Gang continues their party, while the camera pans away from the palace, while an instrumental version of "We Wish 你 a Merry Christmas" plays.]
End of episode.
Copyright © 2014
Sony Pictures Television, Inc. and Twentieth Century 狐狸 Film Corporation
All Rights Reserved
Season 2, Episode 7
"How to Deal With an Emperor Like Malmard"
[The episode begins around 圣诞节 time and Kai-Lan and the gang are setting up the palace with tons of 圣诞节 decorations.]
Kai-Lan: Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Rintoo: Hanging décor up with friends. Fa la la la la, la la la la
Hoho: Being here with 老友记 and family.
Tolee: Fa la la la la la, la la la
All: We 爱情 圣诞节 and all the presents. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
[Everyone laughs.]
Kai-Lan: That was so super 你 guys. Do 你 think we should keep going.
Rintoo: I don't know, Kai-Lan. We should save that for when we go caroling this week. We'll have lots of luck there.
[The doorbell rings. Kai-Lan walks over there to see who it is.]
Kai-Lan: Ni Hao, Lulu.
Lulu: Ni hao, Kai-Lan. Where do 你 want these presents?
Kai-Lan: Over there, right 由 the tree.
[Lulu walks over to the tree.]
Lulu: Wow. This 树 is amazing, where did 你 get it from?
Rintoo: 你 know that 商店 with those peppermint sticks in the window?
Lulu: Yeah.
Rintoo: That's where it's from.
Lulu: Sweet. So when do we start caroling?
Kai-Lan: As soon as Tyler gets here. He just loves singing.
Tolee: That's weird, because he didn't mention that when we met him.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Surprise. He kinda told me personally. Wanna know how I know? I was on my way to see Mr. Fluffy one day, and I happened to see him in the park. And there was, 唱歌 his 心 out.
[Flashback blur.]
Tyler: [singing] Here comes the sun, do do do do. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright. [hums]
Kai-Lan: Ni hao, Tyler.
Tyler: Oh, Kai-Lan. What a surprise to see 你 here.
Kai-Lan: I didn't know 你 could sing.
Tyler: Yeah, I didn't want no one else to find out about that, but you're right here, so I might as well come clean.
Kai-Lan: How long have 你 been singing?
Tyler: Ever since I was a little kid. For some reason, I couldn't tell no one, so I've kept it a secret ever since.
Kai-Lan: Oh I see. 你 wanna keep stuff like that out of the general public, huh?
Tyler: Yeah, pretty much.
[Flashback cut off.]
Kai-Lan: And that's how I found out. And if I'm correct, he should be coming through here in...
[The doorbell rings.]
Kai-Lan: Now.
[Kai-Lan walks over to the door.]
Tyler: Who's ready for caroling?
Rintoo: I can already tell someone's ready.
Tyler: 你 know I am. So, how's my number 1 money maker doing?
Rintoo: 你 know, the same ol' stuff.
Tyler: I know how 你 feel right now. I do nearly the same stuff myself. Take inventory, manage the distribution line. 你 know, basics.
Hoho: Well, at least you'll be able to take some time off to carol with us.
Tyler: 你 got that right. I just don't know how I'll be able to pull off 唱歌 in front of people. I've never done it before. But tonight I'm willing to take that chance. Now, let's get this thing over with.
Kai-Lan: [laughs] Alright then, let's go.
[Everyone heads out of the door when all of a sudden, a note with a very unfamiliar note is 发布 on the front door.]
Rintoo: Huh, what's this?
Tyler: Huh, it looks like a cease and desist order...from...oh, no.
Hoho: What is it?
Tyler: This letter is from...hear me out...Emperor Malmard.
[The gang gasps in fear.]
Rintoo: Malmard? 你 mean big jerk Malmard?
Tyler: Yup.
Kai-Lan: But why? What does it even say?
Tyler: It says that effective immediately, there will be no 圣诞节 caroling of any kind, and if anyone is caught caroling, they will receive two weeks of house arrest, 或者 the possibility of being exile from China.
Tolee: This doesn't make any sense. Why would someone as bad as Malmard ban 圣诞节 caroling? It's like a special part of the 圣诞节 season. It's something 你 can't take away.
Kai-Lan: Tolee's right. We need to see Malmard and get him to tell us why.
Tyler: 你 know, I know Malmard can act like a jerk sometimes, but don't 你 think we should think about why we're gonna see him, because there's a chance he could throw us out.
Rintoo: That's a chance that I'm willing to take. Come on. We can take the royal van.
Tyler: 你 guys actually have a royal van? That's interesting.
Kai-Lan: Everything here is royal.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to the garage, where the royal 面包车, 范 is being pulled out.]
Kai-Lan: Tyler, I like 你 to meet the royal van.
Tyler: This is suppose to be your royal van? It looks like a Dodge Grand Caravan to me.
Kai-Lan: 你 might think it's a Dodge, but it's actually a 面包车, 范 that looks like a Dodge. So if people start asking about it, we just say it's not a Dodge. 你 like it?
Tyler: I guess I do, since 你 told me all of that. Now are we gonna go 或者 what?
Rintoo: Yeah, I wanna get my piece of mind to that jerk Malmard.
[Everybody hops into the 面包车, 范 with ease. A few 秒 later, Rintoo drives the 面包车, 范 out of the driveway. The scene later cuts to part of the town they are now driving through.]
Tyler: So Rintoo, I can tell 你 already had problems with this man in the past. 你 willing to tell me what happened before.
Rintoo: Well, last year, he made an announcement on TV that got to me, and then when he showed up and heard me talk about him, he challenged me on "The Most Eligible Emperor".
Tyler: Oh yeah, I heard about that. 你 were really good out there. As a matter of fact, I see why a lot of people call 你 the most eligible emperor. 你 clearly have a personality that everyone could get along with.
Rintoo: Yeah well, that's something for ya. I'm really nice one 你 get to know. Right, guys?
Kai-Lan: Rintoo's right. We're that well-known around China. Since we're royalty, we pretty much get invited to every party there is.
Tyler: I see. Did I tell 你 something like this happened to me one day?
Kai-Lan: No.
Tyler: Well, guess what? It did. I was trying to leave work, and some dude came up to me and said: "You are the worst man I have ever seen. How do 你 run a business like that? Get your men together and I mean 你 better get them together 或者 this company will start plummeting toward getting shut down." He 说 that to me so good that I never bothered forgetting about it.
Tolee: How long was this?
Tyler: Not that long. I say about a few months to a 年 ago. I can't really tell.
Rintoo: Alright guys, here we are. It's time to put that mean emperor in his place.
[Rintoo and the crew arrives at Emperor Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright. I think we might get in through the back fence.
Tolee: How are we gonna do that?
Rintoo: Watch this. [throws a raw 牛扒, 牛排 at the guard dogs] This'll lead us to the secret entrance, which is the cellar.
Tyler: How do 你 know about this place?
Rintoo: I kinda snooped around one time. It really got to me when I noticed how big this place was compared to our castle.
Tyler: Good to know.
[The scene cuts to one of Malmard's windows. Rintoo is trying to see if he can carefully open it without setting off any alarms.]
Hoho: Are 你 sure this plan will work?
Rintoo: Are 你 kidding me? It's fool-proof. Now follow my lead.
[Rintoo gives out several hand signals leading into the plan to straighten out Malmard. He tells the group to quietly climb into the window and sneak into his main lounge, which is what he calls his relaxation cottage. After everyone is inside, Rintoo points them into the direction of the relaxation cottage, where Malmard and his assistances are currently enjoying their salads. This is where Rintoo puts on a fake mustache and a delivery suit.]
Malmard: Guys, I don't know how to say this, but today, I feel like I've done something amazing.
Assistant #1: What's that, sir?
Malmard: 你 know those no caroling flyers I put up today?
Assistant #2: Yeah.
Malmard: They've already been up for hours, and so far, no carolers have come to my door. I have a feeling that this holiday seasons might been the most quiet one China has ever had.
[There is a knock on the door, and one of the assistants goes over to answer it.]
Assistant #2: Can I help you?
Rintoo: [in a deep voice] Yes, do 你 know where I could find some red gush?
Assistant #2: Red gush? I don't if we have some, but I could go look.
Rintoo: No need, because I think I have what I need. [pulls off his disguise]
Malmard: Vic, who's at the door?
Vic: No one that I think 你 shouldn't see.
Malmard: That's impossible. If I knew someone was coming to the door, I would see them if I wanted to.
[Malmard walks around, and sees it's Rintoo.]
Malmard: You! What the hell do 你 think you're doing here?!
Rintoo: I might ask 你 that same question. What do 你 think you're doing?
Malmard: What do 你 think you're doing? Snooping around in my sacred castle, and pulling a fake cover just to get at me? I never thought 你 would pull it off.
Rintoo: Don't give me that nonsense. I here to set 你 straight.
Malmard: On what? What do 你 want to straighten me out for?
Rintoo: This.
Malmard: Oh, I see 你 found my little flyer about no 圣诞节 caroling.
Rintoo: That's right! How dare 你 ban something that people have been doing for years. Do 你 know how many people have gotten upset about this.
Malmard: 你 don't know what people think about these posters. I'm pretty sure that once they don't think about going 圣诞节 caroling they'll have the right mind to spend 更多 time with their families. Plus, I don't enjoy singing. It's an absolute eyesore and it hurts my ears just thinking about it. Now on another note, 你 didn't think about bringing the rest of your posse around here, did you?
Rintoo: I'll let 你 figure that out. Come on out guys!
[Kai-Lan and the rest of the group comes out.]
Kai-Lan: Malmard, 你 need to stop this nonsense.
Hoho: Yeah, 你 can't take 圣诞节 caroling away from us.
Tyler: Malmard, what you're doing is against all regulations of the holidays.
Malmard: Ah Tyler, the one man that can make marshmallows taste as good as ever.
Tyler: Don't give me that...you really like my company's marshmallows? I actually think they could use some 更多 flavor in them...wait a minute?! 你 can't fool me with that logic.
Malmard: Rintoo, I don't know why 你 and your little entourage is doing in my personal relaxation cottage, but all of 你 need to get your mild mannered asses out of here before I have my assistants throw out each and every last one of you. And I'll make sure 你 don't live to be emperor anymore.
Tolee: Aren't 你 taking this a little too far?
Malmard: [yelling] I know what I'm doing! Don't tell me how far I'm taking this! Obviously, 你 must have no goddamn idea what 圣诞节 caroling has done to me. It even has my assistants in an uproar.
Vic: It's true. We can't stop singing, and it's even gotten our dear emperor into a deep anger, and it's even making him wanna explode all over China's ass.
Malmard: Now 你 see why I banned caroling this year. It's nothing that's gonna make me happy, 或者 do this palace a favor. So I'm giving 你 guys 1 分钟 to get the hell out of here starting now, 或者 I'm having Vic and Paul drag 你 out. What is it gonna be?
[There is a brief silence.]
Rintoo: [sighs] Let's go.
[The gang starts leaving Malmard's palace. Rintoo stops for a 秒 to say one last thing before leaving.]
Rintoo: Malmard, I hope someone comes over and tells 你 off.
Malmard: Unfortunately, that is already happening.
Rintoo: [starts leaving] This ain't over. I'll be back. And when I do, you'll be able to oversee this ban. [leaves the room]
Malmard: Okay, what the fuck just happened?
[The scene cuts to the group back on the road. Rintoo is still at work thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban.]
Tyler: That was the worst 城堡 raid I have ever been to. I mean, this is even worst than when I broke into the rival 棉花糖 company.
Kai-Lan: There's a rival 棉花糖 company?
Tyler: Yeah. It's called Perfect Mallows. They say they're the best 棉花糖 company in China, but they're wrong. All they do is copy our recipes and take all the credit for it.
Tolee: How long has this been going on?
Tyler: A few years. My company has tried so hard to get those cheating bastards to come to their senses, but no, they don't want to cave in and cease operation. They just wanna keep going and steal all of our money. I tell ya, they make so mad I just wanna go to each of their houses with rolls of toilet paper and TP them.
Rintoo: Tyler, 你 know what 你 just did?
Tyler: What?
Rintoo: 你 just gave me the most awesome idea ever.
Tyler: What, TPing Malmard's castle?
Rintoo: Not really. I was referring to cheating him out of his ban. If he sees what he did was wrong, then he'll have to stop the ban.
Tyler: The only 问题 is, will this get him to cave in?
Rintoo: I hope it will.
[The scene cuts back to the palace.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, what do 你 think about these 圣诞节 lights. Are they enough to light up the tree?
Rintoo: Hmm. Why not?
Kai-Lan: Okay then. [throws the lights on the 树 and turns them on] Super. I knew they would light up the entire tree.
[Rintoo is so busy thinking of ways to get Malmard to change his mind about the carol ban that he doesn't notice how good the lights are on the tree. This makes Kai-Lan wonder about him.]
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, you've been thinking about how to get back at Malmard's ban ever since we got back home. Matter of fact, you've been wrapped up in it that 你 didn't even notice the 圣诞节 lights. Don't 你 爱情 them?
Rintoo: Huh. [looks at the tree] Oh, it's fantastic. I actually like it.
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, is something wrong?
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, nothing is wrong. What makes 你 think something is wrong?
Kai-Lan: Well, for starters, you're looking into plans for your revenge on Malmard. And that's all you've been doing for the last two hours.
Rintoo: Kai-Lan, there are many things that would make me happy, but making Malmard take caroling away from us is not one of those things. And knowing that getting him to change his mind will make me the happiest emperor tiger in China.
Kai-Lan: Gee, I hope 你 figure something out.
Rintoo: Oh, I will.
[Kai-Lan leaves the room.]
Rintoo: I just hope whatever I come up with works, 或者 圣诞节 will be ruined.
[The scene cuts back to Malmard's castle.]
Malmard: Who does that little prick think he is? Trying to ruin my 圣诞节 plans, and convinces me to take off my no caroling ban? How rude.
Paul: Sir, don't 你 think you're taking this ban thing a little too far?
Malmard: Hell, no. It's for our sake, remember?
Paul: But I still think we're doing this out of proportion. I mean, people go 圣诞节 caroling every day, and it never affected 你 before.
Malmard: Yeah, but that was before I got my test results back.
Vic: Emperor Malmard, just because someone told 你 about your little situation doesn't mean 你 have to take it away from everyone else.
Malmard: Are 你 two trying to tell me that what I'm doing is wrong? Do 你 think I need to check myself into a mental hospital, and tell them how crazy I am? Is that what 你 two fools think?
Paul: No sir, not at all.
Malmard: I hope so, because if 你 did, 你 two clowns wouldn't think of the harsh firing I would do to you.
Vic: I wouldn't want to think about it too.
Paul: Me neither.
Malmard: Now getting back to the subject of matter: How are going to keep this ban going? I feel like we should put up 更多 letters. I think we should do that.
Paul: But won't that upset everyone?
Malmard: That's what I'm hoping for. Now hear me out right now. We make a couple 更多 letters and post them all over town, and put an urgent message warning them what will happen if they do.
Paul: 你 already did that when we made that first batch of messages.
Malmard: I did?
Vic: House arrest for 2 weeks.
Malmard: Oh yeah I did. Huh, 你 know what. Two weeks sounds so simple. How about an entire month.
Vic: Then that person won't be able to do their daily activities.
Malmard: Well, too bad on them. This is for my sanity and well-being. Now help me make 更多 letters. This town needs less caroling this Christmas.
[The scene cuts back to the palace, where Rintoo, Tolee, Hoho and Tyler are thinking of how to get back at Malmard's ban.]
Tyler: How much have 你 come up with, Rintoo?
Rintoo: Practically that much. Since we came back, that's all I've been thinking about.
Tyler: That's a starter.
Hoho: I thought of something.
Rintoo: Really? What is it?
Hoho: How about we come back in even better costumes, then we can trick Malmard into bringing caroling back. 你 know, like in that old Ebenezer Scrooge story, when he was visited 由 the ghost of 圣诞节 past.
Tolee: 你 know what? I think that might be a great idea. Don't 你 think, guys?
Tyler: Yeah, then we could be able to get him into doing some other stuff that would humiliate him.
Rintoo: I'm liking what I'm hearing so far.
Hoho: I think we might have some white sheets we could use as ghost costumes.
Rintoo: Sweet, let's do it.
[The scene changes to a montage of the guys gathering up several old white sheets. This montage ends within 10 seconds.]
Tyler: Okay, do we have enough sheets?
Rintoo: We have five sheets and there's four of us. So I think we're good.
Hoho: And we have some backup just in case.
Kai-Lan: [walks in] 你 guys aren't planning something dangerous, are you?
Rintoo: What? Of course not. We would never consider gathering up 随意 things to cause trouble. Now would we?
Hoho: Oh no, we wouldn't. Especially around Christmas.
Kai-Lan: Oh okay. See 你 guys later. [walks off]
Tyler: Okay, get this stuff in the car.
[The guys gather up all the sheets and stuff them in the trunk.]
Tyler: Gentlemen, I think we're ready to scare Malmard out of his misery.
All: Yeah!
Rintoo: Alright, let's do this.
[The scene changes back to Malmard's castle. The guys are pulling out all their supplies for their plan, which they think might work.]
Rintoo: Guys, I don't know if this plan might work, but I hope it does. Because there is no way that there a caroling ban will ruin Christmas. I say if it doesn't work, there's always Plan B.
Tyler: Rintoo's right. We may not achieve if Malmard finds out it's us, but he may not have an idea if we use fake voices.
Tolee: Good idea. I can try to make myself sound like I have a little accent. I've been working on impersonations for a while.
Tyler: And I've been wanting to try out my new British accent for quite sometime now. Check it out. [talks in a British accent] Allow there, chap.
Hoho: Pretty nice.
Tyler: Thanks. Now, everyone got their ghost sheets and their emergency weapons?
Rintoo, Hoho, Tolee: Yeah.
Tyler: Then let's rock.
[The beginning of "Bad to the Bone" plays as the four walk toward Malmard's castle.]
Rintoo: Alright, we can sneak in through the main entrance. From what I figured out, no one could be guarding it 由 now.
Tolee: 你 sure?
Rintoo: Is having this much luck in becoming the most eligible emperor if China being sure?
Tolee: I guess so.
Rintoo: Alright then. Let's so this.
[Tyler and the boys quietly enter the 城堡 without being spotted. They then find Malmard in one of his many rooms, enjoying some of his 最喜爱的 citrus tea.]
Malmard: I 爱情 me this tea.
[All of a sudden, he hears a noise.]
Malmard: What was that?
Paul: What was what?
Malmard: That noise. G-go see what it is.
[Paul and Vic head outside. When they get there, they are somehow captured and tied up in chairs. Malmard realizes that both of his assistants are taking too long.]
Malmard: What the hell is taking those buffoons too long?
[This makes Malmard go outside and check it out for himself.]
Malmard: Vic, Paul, where the hell are 你 two at?! 你 better not be playing a joke on me, 'cause I can tell if two are doing something! Can 你 two hear me, 或者 do 你 need hearing aids?! Something's going on here. Usually those two come to me whenever I have something to say.
[Somehow, Rintoo and the guys appear behind him.]
Rintoo: Hello, Malmard.
Malmard: Ahh. Who the hell are you?
Hoho: [makes spooky noises] We are the ghosts of 圣诞节 past.
Malmard: Really? That's the best 你 could think of?
Tyler: Silence! We are here to 显示 what 你 are doing is wrong.
Malmard: What are 你 talking about? I haven't done anything wrong.
Tyler: Except for 你 banning 圣诞节 caroling in China.
Malmard: Oh that. I knew what I was doing and I did it for a reason.
Tolee: What would want to ban caroling?
Malmard: Okay, I'll tell ya. But I have one proposition.
Rintoo: What would that be?
Malmard: [sighs] The reason I banned 圣诞节 caroling this 年 is because...the last I went to the doctor, I had a little test on my hearing, and he told me that I might have a slight chance of losing it.
Tyler: Well then. I guess it's best of what we have to do now. Let's reveal who we really are.
[The guys take off their disguises.]
Malmard: What the?! H-h-h-how did you...?
Rintoo: Manage to trick 你 into telling us why 你 wanted to ban 圣诞节 caroling?
Malmard: Yes. I mean, why the holy hell would 你 trick outta something that is sacred to me? Do 你 have any idea how stupid 你 guys are gonna make me feel after this? Huh?! Do ya?!
Tolee: I think we do.
Malmard: 你 know. 你 guys outta be ashamed of yourselves. Dressing up as ghosts and pretending to scare me into giving up my big secret. Huh, I should have the nerve to call the damn police and sue 你 for trespassing.
Tyler: Wait. Before 你 decide to have us locked up, we just wanna say this: Instead of banning something because 你 might lose your hearing, why don't 你 try it to see whether 你 like it 或者 not.
Hoho: Yeah. Why don't 你 give it a try, instead of trying to put a ban on it?
Malmard: 你 know what, monkey. I have no idea.
Rintoo: Well now, 你 get a chance to experience what caroling feels like.
Malmard: [sighs] Alright, fine. I'll give it a try.
Rintoo: Sweet.
Tolee: Malmard, get ready to carol.
Malmard: Oh just one quick question.
Rintoo: What's that?
Malmard: Why are my men tied up?
Rintoo: [laughs] I guess I kinda went too far.
Malmard: 你 think.
[The scene changes to the first house Kai-Lan and 老友记 will be caroling at.]
Tolee: Alright, Malmard. This is where we start caroling. Just relax and you'll see how much fun caroling can be.
Malmard: I hope I enjoy it. Otherwise, the ban stays.
Kai-Lan: Say Rintoo, how did 你 guys managed to get Malmard to change his mind about 圣诞节 caroling?
Rintoo: We got him to tell us why he wanted to ban caroling in the first place, which was pretty easy once we got to talk to him.
Kai-Lan: Well, however 你 got him to spill what was going on, I'm pretty sure it will help with the ban.
[The scene changes to the door. Rintoo knocks.]
Man: Coming.
Rintoo: Alright Malmard, 你 ready?
Malmard: I think. I just hope my voice doesn't give out.
[A man comes out of his house.]
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Rintoo: Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Tolee: O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way [laughs]
Hoho: Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
Kai-Lan: What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
All: Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh!
Man: Amazing, simply amazing. 你 guys are really talented.
Kai-Lan: Well, we have the best.
Man: Well, all I gotta say is that I'm glad I got the royal crew here tonight. Thanks again for the song.
Kai-Lan: You're welcome.
Rintoo: So Malmard, how did that make 你 feel?
Malmard: It kinda made me feel great. It's like something was missing from my life. It's making me wanna do it again.
Tyler: Well, there's nothing stopping you. We got a bunch of houses to go to. And we're not gonna get to them standing here. Let's hop to it.
[A snippet of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For 圣诞节 Is You" plays as Kai-Lan and the gang go caroling from house to house. Some of the montage also features Malmard taking down some of the letters about the ban on caroling.]
Malmard: [laughs] Wow, that was awesome! I never felt so alive!
Hoho: See, I told 你 that 你 would get used to it.
Malmard: Well, I didn't push no buttons 或者 anything.
Kai-Lan: 嘿 Malmard, do 你 think I could ask 你 something?
Malmard: Sure. Hit me up.
Kai-Lan: How did 你 get so mean and cold-hearted?
Malmard: Okay. I think it's best 你 guys should know this upfront. It's kinda hard to say this, but...I was born in a distant city outside of the UK. I was a happy, little boy. I enjoyed everything about life. My dad was always getting in each other's throats. There were times where he used to go at me the most, 或者 my mom. He was a horrible man. He would curse and fight anyone who got in his way. One day, he told my mom that he didn't want to be part of our family anymore. So he left. It left us heartbroken, especially my mom. It was now up to her to my mom, and with the help of my uncle, who was the head of Perfect Mallows.
Tyler: What?! 你 mean to tell me that all this long time, Nutbrown 野兔 Industries has been battling with a company that was run 由 your uncle?!
Malmard: Well, I wouldn't say my uncle, really. He was the founder of the company, then he passed down the operations to his son, which is my nephew.
Tyler: 你 mean that goody goody two shoes Matt Malmard?
Malmard: That's right.
Tyler: So does that mean he's has a bad bone in him too?
Malmard: Nope.
Tyler: Good to know.
Malmard: Now where was I? My uncle moved in with me so I could have a male role model in my childhood. He was always there for me in my time of need. 由 the time I left the house, my uncle was about to hand the company to one of my cousins. At that time, my dad came back. And he was mad! And I'm not talking about temporary madness, I'm talking about he was red in his face. So red that he was gonna explode right in his face. He came up to my uncle and told him that he better get his stupid 屁股 away from me 或者 he was gonna throw him out a window, then throw him into a car, while watching him bleed. So he did what he said, and then he asked me to come with him for something.
Rintoo: What was it?
Malmard: It was horrible. Once we got there, he made me into what I became. First, he put me to sleep. And when I woke up, I was in a 枕头 factory. It was so scary that I screamed for my life. But my father didn't let me. He made sure the doors were bolted shut, and he had security there to make sure I didn't escape. What happened to me didn't go smoothly. He completely brainwashed me into becoming a coldhearted, overachieving, selfish and ignorant emperor that had high hopes of taking over a large country. So I decided to come here. When I met 你 guys, I didn't know what to think of you. Part of what was left of my old self wanted to be friends, but my new self wanted revenge.
Rintoo: But wait, 你 didn't meet me until after that commercial 你 were in aired.
Malmard: True, but that's when I realized that I was still trying to get my bad side out of me. But nothing happened. I was stuck inside my mean body for the rest of my life. But luckily, 你 guys made me do something that I never done before. And that's how I became what I am.
Kai-Lan: Wow, I didn't know 你 had a hard life.
Malmard: It was a drag.
Kai-Lan: I know your pain.
Malmard: And the worst part is: I never got a chance to do some of the things I wanted to do.
[Everyone gasps.]
Malmard: That's right. I had a 列表 of things that I planned on doing before I became an emperor. But thanks to my dad messing up my adulthood, I never did.
Tolee: Well, we can help 你 with some of those things. That is, if 你 want us.
Malmard: [gasps] Really?
Rintoo: Of course. From what we heard, 你 sound like a nice guy who was stuck being mean for the rest of your life.
Hoho: And we now know that you're just a pretty nice guy.
Tyler: And even though the rival 棉花糖 company and I are having a little beef right now, I can find it in my 心 to forgive you.
Malmard: 你 know what. I'm glad that I got that out of my chest. It makes me feel like the man I used to be. And I gotta say: I am happy that 你 guys have agreed to be my friends.
Kai-Lan: So are we.
Hoho: [hugs Malmard] Bao bao. Bao bao.
[The others 加入 in the hug.]
Malmard: This...is the greatest moment of my life.
[The camera pans away from the gang. The scene then changes to 圣诞节 day, where everyone is at the palace, including Malmard's assistants, are enjoying the morning as they open their presents.]
Malmard: Well, I did it. I made it through without being mean. It's amazing. 你 know, I think I might be on the verge of getting back to my old self.
Rintoo: We're really proud of you, Malmard. Not only did 你 get through not being mean, but 你 really went through in your time of need.
Malmard: And all I needed was a little courage to get me through it.
Kai-Lan: And we helped you.
Malmard: And I appreciate it. Listen guys. I liked what 你 did 你 me over the past few days. It made me realize that what my dad put me through is a thing of the past. And I gotta say, they were horrible.
Hoho: And we know 你 wouldn't have liked it.
Malmard: [laughs] Good one.
Lulu: 嘿 Malmard, this one's for you.
[Malmard grabs his gift.]
Malmard: [gasps] Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Kai-Lan: What is it?
Malmard: It's something that I've been wanting my entire life.
Hoho: Tell us.
Malmard: It's...my very own toy train.
Rintoo: I figured 你 might like it.
Malmard: Like it? I 爱情 it! But why? I thought 你 hated me.
Rintoo: Nah. I hated the old you. Now that I got to know who 你 really are, I thought 你 would want a little something as a token of my gratitude.
Malmard: Oh, my God. I-I don't know what to say, except...thanks.
Rintoo: Why, you're welcome.
Kai-Lan: 嘿 guys, since we're all here together, why don't we sing.
Malmard: Good idea.
[Everyone gathers around for the song.]
All: We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring, to 你 and your kin
Good tidings for 圣诞节 and a happy New Year.
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy pudding
Oh bring us a figgy 布丁 and a cup of good cheer.
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some
We won't go until we got some, so bring some out here.
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas
We wish 你 a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!
Malmard: Merry 圣诞节 to all. And to all, love, happiness, and great passion.
Kai-Lan: And lots of fun to come along.
[The Gang continues their party, while the camera pans away from the palace, while an instrumental version of "We Wish 你 a Merry Christmas" plays.]
End of episode.
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Sony Pictures Television, Inc. and Twentieth Century 狐狸 Film Corporation
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