Kurt: 你 and your 老友记 threw pee balloons at me.
Finn: I know.
Kurt: 你 nailed my lawn furniture to my roof. ”
—Kurt and Finn, -Pilot
“ Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.
”
—Kurt to Rachel, Pilot
“ Mercedes: This song is terrible.
Mr. Schuester: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, 你 guys just need to get into it.
Kurt: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
”
—Kurt, Mr. Schuester, and Mercedes, Showmance
“ Rachel: ...because we're gonna give them (students) what they want.
Kurt: Blood? ”
—Showmance
“ They're gonna throw 水果 at us. And I JUST had a facial.
”
—Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Showmance
“ One 日 你 will all work for me.
”
—Kurt, Showmance
“ Kurt: 你 need to call me before 你 get dressed.
Mercedes: Whatever.
Kurt: 你 look like a Technicolor zebra. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Showmance
“ 你 busted my window. How could 你 do that? 你 busted my window!
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ OK, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in 欢乐合唱团 club. That means we are the bottom of the social heap. Special Ed kids will get 更多 play than we will.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ My dad bought it for me when he made me promise to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. [camera shows he is wearing one] What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
”
—-Kurt about his car, -Acafellas
“ It's OK. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ Mercedes: Have 你 ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If 由 somebody 你 mean the tender crook of my elbow. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Acafellas
“ Finn: Put your 头盔 on.
Kurt: It'll mess up my hair.
”
—Kurt and Finn, Preggers
“ My body is like a 朗姆酒 浓情巧克力 souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Preggers
“ Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.
”
—Kurt, Preggers
“ Putting on night cream is part of my post-game ritual.
”
—Kurt to Burt, Preggers
“ Emma: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol. :Kurt: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy. (vomits) ”
—Kurt and Emma, The Rhodes Not Taken
“ I don't see how lightning is in competition with an above ground swimming pool.
”
—Kurt, Vitamin D
“ Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with 你 ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.
”
—Kurt to the girls, Vitamin D
“ Someone get me to a 日 spa stat!
”
—Kurt, Mash-Up
“ Mercedes: 你 are NOT gonna slushie on my man Kurt. Rachel: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore. Finn: No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me! Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we? [grabs the slushie from Finn] Finn: What are 你 doing? Kurt: It's called taking one for the team. [Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses] Kurt: Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether 或者 not any of your 老友记 on the football team would have done that for you.
”
—Mash-Up
“ We all know I'm 更多 流行的 than Rachel.. and I dress better than her.
”
—Kurt, Wheels
“ Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Ballad
“ Kurt: How do 你 explain the constant irritation with you. It’s because she’s a Girrrrrl. :Finn: I think it’s the pregnancy hormones 或者 something, they make her kinda nuts. :Kurt: It’s enough to give up women all together. (giggle) ”
—Kurt and Finn, Ballad
“ I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.
”
—Kurt (about Finn), Ballad
“ He was my knight-in-shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee, then football, then skincare.
”
—Kurt (about Finn), Ballad
“ She’s going to end up disappointing him and breaking his 心 and then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads.
”
—Kurt (about Quinn and Finn), Ballad
“ I can totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he thinks he’s taking the Diana Ross part from me.
”
—Kurt (voiceover), Ballad
“ Girls, they’re your problem. They’re up, they’re down. Girls.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Ballad
“ I'm in. Make-overs are like crack to me.
”
—Kurt to Quinn, Hairography
“ Rachel manages to dress like a toddler and a grandmother at the same time.
”
—Kurt to Quinn, Hairography
“ 你 need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you, especially this one which looks like where 草莓 酥, 脆饼 and 冬青, 冬青树 Hobbie come to hook up.
”
—Kurt, Hairography
“ Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer 你 are because all I think about is shoving a 袜子 in your mouth.
”
—Kurt, Hairography
“ Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook 照片 would only fuel the flames of anti-Glee club terror.
”
—Kurt, Mattress
“ Kurt: I say we lock Rachel up till after sectionals. I volunteer my basement. :Mercedes: We can't. We need her to sing. :Kurt: Damn her talent. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Sectionals
“ As much as it pains me to admit it, and it does, Rachel is the best singer we've got.
”
—Kurt, Sectionals
“ Will: (While drawing a stick figure on the board.) Hello. (Turns around to face the students.) Hello? :New Directions Members: (Scattered and in different tones.) Hello. :Will: What do 你 guys say when 你 answer the phone? :Mercedes: What up? :Artie: Who 'dis be? :Kurt: No she's dead, this is her son. ”
—Will Schuester, Mercedes Jones, Artie Abrams, and Kurt Hummel, "Hell-O"
“ Mercedes is black. I'm gay. We make culture.
”
—Kurt, The Power of Madonna
“ Will: Hey, guys, how's your assignment coming along? :Mercedes: Amazing! 你 know how 麦当娜 reinvented the video, right? :Will: Right. :Mercedes: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a 麦当娜 video of our own. :Kurt: It's gonna be "Madge"-ical. (Kurt laughs, but Mercedes looks confused) "Madge"... (Mercedes shakes her head) 你 know, Madonna's nickname. Girl, 你 really gotta get up to speed with this. ”
—Kurt, Mercedes and Will, The Power of Madonna
“ "You both have dead spouses. Maybe 你 should talk.
”
—Kurt upon introducing Burt to Carole, Home
“ "Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the 下一个 碧昂斯 and Jay-Z.
”
—Kurt, Home
“ "IT'S JUST A MOIST TOWLETTE!
”
—Kurt to Finn, Theatricality
“ Kurt: (about Tina's Lady Gaga costume) 你 look like 你 should be in orbit. Tina: My balls keep falling off. :Kurt: I've been there. ”
—Kurt and Tina, Theatricality
“ Yes, 你 don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
”
—Kurt to Karofsky and Azimio, Theatricality
“ I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
”
—Kurt, Funk
“ Will: "We could steal their school statue." :Kurt: "Their school statue is a bronze Great White Shark, eating a 密封 pup. It weighs three tons." ”
—Kurt to Will, after a suggestion to prank Vocal Adrenaline, Funk
“ Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humilate her!
”
—Kurt to Will, Funk
“ (At the beginning of this year....) I wasn't honest about who I was.
”
—Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Journey
Finn: I know.
Kurt: 你 nailed my lawn furniture to my roof. ”
—Kurt and Finn, -Pilot
“ Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.
”
—Kurt to Rachel, Pilot
“ Mercedes: This song is terrible.
Mr. Schuester: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, 你 guys just need to get into it.
Kurt: No, it's the song. It's really gay.
”
—Kurt, Mr. Schuester, and Mercedes, Showmance
“ Rachel: ...because we're gonna give them (students) what they want.
Kurt: Blood? ”
—Showmance
“ They're gonna throw 水果 at us. And I JUST had a facial.
”
—Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Showmance
“ One 日 你 will all work for me.
”
—Kurt, Showmance
“ Kurt: 你 need to call me before 你 get dressed.
Mercedes: Whatever.
Kurt: 你 look like a Technicolor zebra. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Showmance
“ 你 busted my window. How could 你 do that? 你 busted my window!
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ OK, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in 欢乐合唱团 club. That means we are the bottom of the social heap. Special Ed kids will get 更多 play than we will.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ My dad bought it for me when he made me promise to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. [camera shows he is wearing one] What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
”
—-Kurt about his car, -Acafellas
“ It's OK. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.
”
—Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas
“ Mercedes: Have 你 ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If 由 somebody 你 mean the tender crook of my elbow. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Acafellas
“ Finn: Put your 头盔 on.
Kurt: It'll mess up my hair.
”
—Kurt and Finn, Preggers
“ My body is like a 朗姆酒 浓情巧克力 souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Preggers
“ Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.
”
—Kurt, Preggers
“ Putting on night cream is part of my post-game ritual.
”
—Kurt to Burt, Preggers
“ Emma: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol. :Kurt: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy. (vomits) ”
—Kurt and Emma, The Rhodes Not Taken
“ I don't see how lightning is in competition with an above ground swimming pool.
”
—Kurt, Vitamin D
“ Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with 你 ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.
”
—Kurt to the girls, Vitamin D
“ Someone get me to a 日 spa stat!
”
—Kurt, Mash-Up
“ Mercedes: 你 are NOT gonna slushie on my man Kurt. Rachel: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore. Finn: No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me! Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we? [grabs the slushie from Finn] Finn: What are 你 doing? Kurt: It's called taking one for the team. [Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses] Kurt: Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether 或者 not any of your 老友记 on the football team would have done that for you.
”
—Mash-Up
“ We all know I'm 更多 流行的 than Rachel.. and I dress better than her.
”
—Kurt, Wheels
“ Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Ballad
“ Kurt: How do 你 explain the constant irritation with you. It’s because she’s a Girrrrrl. :Finn: I think it’s the pregnancy hormones 或者 something, they make her kinda nuts. :Kurt: It’s enough to give up women all together. (giggle) ”
—Kurt and Finn, Ballad
“ I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.
”
—Kurt (about Finn), Ballad
“ He was my knight-in-shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee, then football, then skincare.
”
—Kurt (about Finn), Ballad
“ She’s going to end up disappointing him and breaking his 心 and then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads.
”
—Kurt (about Quinn and Finn), Ballad
“ I can totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he thinks he’s taking the Diana Ross part from me.
”
—Kurt (voiceover), Ballad
“ Girls, they’re your problem. They’re up, they’re down. Girls.
”
—Kurt to Finn, Ballad
“ I'm in. Make-overs are like crack to me.
”
—Kurt to Quinn, Hairography
“ Rachel manages to dress like a toddler and a grandmother at the same time.
”
—Kurt to Quinn, Hairography
“ 你 need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you, especially this one which looks like where 草莓 酥, 脆饼 and 冬青, 冬青树 Hobbie come to hook up.
”
—Kurt, Hairography
“ Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer 你 are because all I think about is shoving a 袜子 in your mouth.
”
—Kurt, Hairography
“ Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook 照片 would only fuel the flames of anti-Glee club terror.
”
—Kurt, Mattress
“ Kurt: I say we lock Rachel up till after sectionals. I volunteer my basement. :Mercedes: We can't. We need her to sing. :Kurt: Damn her talent. ”
—Kurt and Mercedes, -Sectionals
“ As much as it pains me to admit it, and it does, Rachel is the best singer we've got.
”
—Kurt, Sectionals
“ Will: (While drawing a stick figure on the board.) Hello. (Turns around to face the students.) Hello? :New Directions Members: (Scattered and in different tones.) Hello. :Will: What do 你 guys say when 你 answer the phone? :Mercedes: What up? :Artie: Who 'dis be? :Kurt: No she's dead, this is her son. ”
—Will Schuester, Mercedes Jones, Artie Abrams, and Kurt Hummel, "Hell-O"
“ Mercedes is black. I'm gay. We make culture.
”
—Kurt, The Power of Madonna
“ Will: Hey, guys, how's your assignment coming along? :Mercedes: Amazing! 你 know how 麦当娜 reinvented the video, right? :Will: Right. :Mercedes: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a 麦当娜 video of our own. :Kurt: It's gonna be "Madge"-ical. (Kurt laughs, but Mercedes looks confused) "Madge"... (Mercedes shakes her head) 你 know, Madonna's nickname. Girl, 你 really gotta get up to speed with this. ”
—Kurt, Mercedes and Will, The Power of Madonna
“ "You both have dead spouses. Maybe 你 should talk.
”
—Kurt upon introducing Burt to Carole, Home
“ "Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the 下一个 碧昂斯 and Jay-Z.
”
—Kurt, Home
“ "IT'S JUST A MOIST TOWLETTE!
”
—Kurt to Finn, Theatricality
“ Kurt: (about Tina's Lady Gaga costume) 你 look like 你 should be in orbit. Tina: My balls keep falling off. :Kurt: I've been there. ”
—Kurt and Tina, Theatricality
“ Yes, 你 don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
”
—Kurt to Karofsky and Azimio, Theatricality
“ I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
”
—Kurt, Funk
“ Will: "We could steal their school statue." :Kurt: "Their school statue is a bronze Great White Shark, eating a 密封 pup. It weighs three tons." ”
—Kurt to Will, after a suggestion to prank Vocal Adrenaline, Funk
“ Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humilate her!
”
—Kurt to Will, Funk
“ (At the beginning of this year....) I wasn't honest about who I was.
”
—Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Journey