some of his whitty and most famous jokes all her in this soapbox

A big girl once came up to me after a 显示 and 说 "I think you're fatist." I 说 "No. I think you're fattest."

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do 你 know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". 你 might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

When 你 eat a lot of spicy food, 你 can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the 下一个 office 圣诞节 party.

耶稣 loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other 日 called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

No matter how much 你 give a homeless person for tea... 你 never get that tea.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best 建议 I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

My girlfriend 说 she wanted me to tease her, so I 说 "Alright, fatty."

grew up in Slough in the 70's, if 你 want to know what Slough was like in the 70's, go there now.

In 比萨, 比萨饼 Express 你 can get garlic 面包 with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.

When someone close to 你 dies, 移动 seats.

i hate those e-mails where they try to sell 你 penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

and this is th last one on this soap box
"Did 你 know you're ten times 更多 likely to get mugged in 伦敦 than New York city? Thats because 你 don't live in new york city"