I aimed the gun at her.

I aimed the gun... at her.

It was all in my hands at the moment. The steel was in my palm, the trigger underneath my finger. I could have fired but she fired first.

"Shoot me, then"

God dammit!

I saw, from the corner of my eye, Nixie fall into a useless silence. Her eyes regarding Sadie with frustration and fear.

What the fuck were we doing? What the fuck was I doing?! Whose gun was this? And whose hand carried it? I felt their eyes. I felt all of them watch me. Even the dead stared me down that night.

"I've been waiting for 你 to come back. The whole time 你 were gone I wanted 你 to come home. I never thought I would miss 你 like I did." She stared at the gun. "Somehow, I imagined 你 coming back because 你 wanted to. Because...you missed me too." She looked up to meet my eyes. "Turns out I was wrong."

God dammit!!

She was so cold. Her eyes were hollow and dead. Not like they were when her face was once rosy and plump with youth. He breast small and warm... Perky and soft underneath these grubby hands. Soft sounds escaping her lips as every part of her body arched in flowing subtle movements-No...No no no! No, this wasn't her...and that wasn't me. We were someone else, then.

Now she was colder than the gun in my hand, and I was lost. Afraid. Alone. Not alone. The Alphas were there. Always there. Even when I didn't know they existed. They were there.

My task was... find the last pack in the woods. Prove your loyalty to the cause. Kill the leader.

They knew about my connections. They knew what I had been doing. This was not a test... this was punishment. Failing this would sabotage everything I've worked for. Why else would that have chosen Joe to go with me? Joe was a dumb, sluggish animal without any coordination, and they knew Ley and I were working together. They knew I wasn't the only one.

"Owen.. Don't do this, you're being stupid" Nixie didn't even sound like herself. Nixie was gone too. Broken. Used too many times. Her hatred had left my shoulders... and weighed on hers. I fucked her too. Behind Sadie's back. I fucked her and Nixie never even knew it. Dark fantasies of two shadows moving as one. A facade under a sea of white sheets. I fucked her and even then, in my dreams, she was so sad. So sad and unloved, still seeking solace in the dark hearts of men worse than me.

My hand was shaking. Reality had slapped me. I aimed the gun at her. The trigger was squeezed but not tight enough. No bang. No whimper. No tears. No blood. No Sadie, lying on the ground, cold and still beautiful. Another body to be buried. Fuck!

I remember trying to reason with myself. I started babbling to her. To her and Sadie and the dead man that lied at our feet. It some bullshit about all my efforts and the Alphas... and how Joe was dead. Red flags! But none of it was real. I failed. It was too late. I must have a death wish... I lowered the gun. It was useless and heavy, weighing down my own arm..

Fuck!

I remember crumbling that night. Nixie took the gun from me. I don't even know how I got on the ground, but I was sitting. And then Sadie... Thanked me for not killing her.

And I thought it was over... for a moment.

But it never is.

Now, I'm in the fucking room Nixie used to sleep in. I can still smell her in the pillows. I've been here... all day. The wounds that Hanna and 雀, 芬奇 caused still hadn't healed. Good. I want them to scar. Sometimes I think I can hear Nathan and Sadie fucking in the other room, but I think it's just my mind.

They keep coming in and trying to goad me into speaking about the Alphas, but I refuse to talk since they refuse to listen. I tried to tell them to leave the forest. But she's so stubborn. She just wants to fight them. Her whole pack is in danger... The rest don't even bother with me. I think they don't know how to handle me. Who knows what was 说 about me... 或者 if I was even mentioned at all.

Even the bittersweet Hanna will avert her eyes on the rare occasion that I leave the room to take a piss. Nathan is a different story. He looks me in the eyes but he never says a thing. It's like he's probing me... trying to find some answer to a 问题 never uttered. I know the 问题 very well... As I do it back to him. Only I know the answers. I know them well.

I've seen him with her, and it's kind of hard to miss.

Dammit, forget about it! Forget about everything! That's not important! It is over....

There are 更多 important things to be concentrating on.

For instance.

Joe's dead... so why do I keep smelling his cologne.