Ok.... this spot... is getting SO crowded with FF XDDDDD
I bet 你 didn't even read chapter 21 XD (link )
Anyway...
Here comes chapter 22, and I really... really had a hard time 写作 this...
It was too painful...
But sometimes, 你 just have to do it.
So, I hope you'll like this... where I'm taking this...
And... I hope 你 haven't 迷失 interest...
If 你 did... That means Hilly will NEVER ever EVER write a long fanfic...
This long, anyway...
So...
Here it is...


Chapter 22: The 列表

Three weeks later

A breeze caressed the 草 with every contact the two made. Hugh watched the 草 shift under the light wind, he was stunned with the sight before him. He'd finally started to see things from a different angle. Everything started to seem beautiful, nature had started fascinating him like never before.
It was a weird and powerful thing, that Prozac. And he was still scared. Scared of what the fact that he needed medication for feeling the way he did meant.
Did it mean his feeling from before were compromised? He'd never want to think that everything he felt the 前一个 years was illegitimate. He needed someone to tell him that he really did 爱情 Lisa. That he had been with her because he'd fell in 爱情 with the stunning person she was- and not just because he'd been depressed and needed someone.

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“Only 你 Hugh can know what 你 feel... The meds will just bring a light to your life.” The therapist nodded at him, he was so confused.
“What do 你 mean?” he asked somewhat unsure if he wanted to know the answer.
“Let's say... You've been living in a fog the last years of your life. Every feelings 你 had were fogged with the fact that 你 were depressed although 你 didn't know that.” the therapist continued.
“You want to say that everything I experienced was real but layered with a certain amount of depression?” Hugh started to follow his therapist's thinking.
“Well... 你 can think of it that way.” He smiled “So, when 你 get your medication, and when that depression is finally gone, you'll be able to see exactly how 你 feel about certain things.”
“And what if I find out that the feelings I had weren't fogged but illegitimate?” Hugh shivered at the thought of his feelings being wrong.
“At least you'll know exactly how 你 feel” the man before Hugh shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“What if I realize I never loved Lisa?” Hugh caught his therapist, and himself, off guard.
The man bit his lower lip.
“Let's first start 你 on Prozac and then we'll see what happen” he smiled at Hugh nervously.
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Hugh walked through the grass, taking in his surroundings. Headstones. Set perfectly between each other forming long rows of misery. It had been three years since she'd died. Since her plane had crashed. Since she'd left him alone.
He didn't feel like he was missing a piece of his 心 like everyone 说 they feel when their loved ones die. He was... feeling... dull. Like everything he did was covered under a veil of sorrow.
His therapist was right when he'd 说 what he'd 说 about the fog.
Hugh's mind had been fogged. With what- he didn't know. But the fact that Prozac was making him feel better, he started to admit to himself it was depression.
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“What do 你 want me to do?” Hugh asked taking the first Prozac in front of his therapist.
“I want 你 to make a 列表 of things 你 hadn't dealt with like 你 should have, and when 你 do, we'll start working on it” the therapist watched Hugh 吞, 燕子 the pill and handed him a glass of water.
“And then what?” Hugh asked as he realized how much the scene before him resembled the time House had been institutionalized. That irony again.
“Then, we'll see where that brings us”
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Hugh came across Jo's headstone after wandering through the cemetery for a while.
There were some 花 下一个 to the headstone and he realized Jo's sister must have been there a few days ago.
This was the first time after the funeral that Hugh came to the cemetery. The kids went to England every 年 and they always came to leave some flowers.
Hugh scoffed at the fact that he even tried to escape visiting Jo's grave. He knew why he insisted on burying her in England. He had wanted to escape going to the cemetery, although he'd never admitted it until now. He tried to escape that as well.
Metaphorically, he'd win an award from running away from the important things in his life.

Hugh bent down 下一个 to the headstone and left a bouquet of red 玫瑰 下一个 to it. It was exactly three years since she'd died. Three years he'd been escaping things and running away from his feelings.
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“Read to me what 你 wrote” the therapist told Hugh as he saw him open the folded piece of paper in front of him.
“Ok... But it's a 衬衫 list” Hugh 说 in a low voice, afraid to read anything he wrote.
It was easier to write than to read. 阅读 would mean those things were actually out there.
“Just read it Hugh.. it doesn't matter” the therapist nodded him to start reading.
Hugh's hands started shaking a bit as he looked at the first thing he wrote.
“One. Jo's death” he read cautiously, a tear forming in his eye.
“And how do 你 plan to deal with it?” the therapist scribbled something into his notebook.
“Visit her grave.” Hugh paused for a bit “and... talk”
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“I wanted...” Hugh started talking, but stopped in the same second. “This is ridiculous.” he told himself with a nervous smile.
“No, no... I have to do this” He 说 after a minute. Focusing on what he wanted to say.
A light breeze came across the 草 again and Hugh breathed in, giving himself a, so needed, minute.
“You...” his voice broke “left us... Unexpectedly. I thought... I thought you'd be there forever. I know we...” tears started forming in his eyes
“I know we were having problems, and that I maybe stopped loving 你 while.. while I was away... But you...” a tear rolled down his cheek “...you were my stone. My constant. 你 were always there.”
He smiled a bit “Career comes and go, but 你 were always there. 你 and the kids...” Hugh sighed, looking around himself for a moment.
“And then... all of sudden, 你 were gone.” he started shaking a bit
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“But what should I say?” Hugh shook his head “ I know I should talk, but what should I say?”
“Just... whatever it is on your mind. Even if 你 want to tell her that 你 blame her for your depression” the therapist spoke calmly.
“Isn't that selfish?” Hugh frowned.
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“I was depressed, Jo. I was depressed for such a long time when I we were together... I was...” he paused for a 秒 “but... I knew 你 were always going to be there no matter how I feel... When 你 left...” he breathed in again “when 你 left... I didn't know if I'd ever find someone that will be there... always... for me... And I cursed myself for not being there for you, for being away for such a long time. For eventually... stopping loving 你 the way I did when we got married... And then... Lisa came.
And... I realized... She had been there for me, just like 你 have... And I felt...” another tear rolled down his cheek, he reached for a kleenex to wipe it “... I felt like I don't deserve her... I still do... I still feel like I don't deserve her 或者 to be treated like she's treated me...” He breathed in deeply
“So... I did what I know to do the best... I ran away from what I had... Just to find myself having nothing. Being nothing... Just to realize I do need her, that I needed you, that... I was actually happy with both of you...
And... while it's obvious I'm too late to set things straight with you...” he bit his lip “I hope it's not that late with Lisa... I hope... I know... she's a better person than me.. And I still think I don't deserve her.. 或者 the kids... But sometimes...”
“Sometimes 你 just have to be selfish” The therapist 说 with a small smile, leaving Hugh still with a frown.

“Sometimes... 你 just have to be selfish, Jo” Hugh repeated the same thing his therapist told him.
“Sometimes 你 just need to stand up for yourself.”
Hugh wiped the last tear from his cheek and reached for his pocket.
He took out the piece of paper, the one that had the 列表 of things he had to deal with, and a pen.
He looked at his list.

'1. Jo's death- visit the grave'
He took the pen and crossed it from the list. And as he looked at the 下一个 thing that was written on it, he reached for his phone and dialed a familiar number.
As he started going back to the car, waiting for the person he called pick up the phone, he dropped the piece of paper in the grass.