Chapter Five
They stood like that for the longest time, James resting his chin on Lily's forehead, holding her, trying to wordlessly communicate so many things that could never be 说 aloud, at least not yet, not while she was this vulnerable, not while the both of them were still finding their footing as seventh-years. But one 日 they would be said, James promised himself, one 日 before graduation he would tell her all those things he'd been dying to say ever since 圣诞节 of sixth year. It had been then, as he watched her 吻乐队（Kiss） some Ravenclaw under a bough of mistletoe and wished harder than he'd ever wished for anything that it had been him wrapped in her embrace and not that Ravenclaw, that he'd known she was different, that he'd sworn to do whatever it took to make her see that he was serious now. That he was no longer joking when he tossed a 'Go out with me, Evans?' at her in passing, no matter what his tone implied, even though he hadn't 说 it for a while, partly because of the half-exasperated, half-confused expression she got each time and partly because he couldn't 熊 the rejection much more. Partly because he still remembered her words that 日 at the lake: "I wouldn't go out with 你 if it were a choice between 你 and the Giant Squid!". He still remembered them, and they still hurt.
After what seemed like quite a while, but was probably only ten 分钟 或者 so, James gently steered the pair of them to her 床, 床上 (partly because standing bunched up against him like that can't have been comfortable, partly because his legs were beginning to cramp up) and sat them down, slowly rubbing circles into her back, figuring she'd talk when she was ready. And eventually she was, pulling away from him with a watery smile and a mumbled apology. "I – James... I'm sorry – it's just..."
He cut her off with a smile. "Hey, it's okay." The small kindness was almost enough to set her off again, and she sniffed a couple of times before leaning dejectedly into James's shoulder. It occurred to James that he was sitting on a girl's bed, with 说 girl in a very vulnerable state, and he wasn't even trying to take advantage of it. The only thing he wanted at that moment, cliché 或者 not, was for the girl he held in his arms to be happy, to vanish the tears even now staining her huge 翠, 翡翠 eyes. "Do 你 want to talk about it?" he asked, trying to be as tactful as possible. He didn't know quite what was going on – he remembered how depressed Lily had been in March and April, when she had just found out about her parents' death, but she had seemed to have recovered quite well, regaining most if not all of her bubbly personality in time for May and the exams that took place in June. But perhaps her recovery hadn't been quite as total as she had left the world to believe, because he honestly couldn't think of anything else that would have her crying her eyes out (in his arms, no less) at four in the morning. Not when she had class that 日 – that just went against everything that was Lily Evans.
"I... ugh. How can I begin to explain this to you?"
"Erm. I really don't know? Try starting at the beginning, maybe?" James was rather confused, seeing as it wasn't too often hysterical girls chose to find comfort in him. That was really 更多 Moony's job... but he'd be damned if he was going to run away and leave Lily alone with her troubles. His mother would never forgive him (and he didn't think he'd quite forgive himself).
"The beginning. Right." Lily gave a shaky laugh and sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "Well, 你 already know that my parents – my parents died in March, right?"
He nodded, not wanting to say anything in case it was exactly the wrong thing. He remembered when, in his third year, his younger sister had died after a long illness – he knew they meant well, but the tirade of person after sympathetic person offering up useless apologies had made him want to 冲床 someone. Preferably a Slytherin.
"Yeah. So everyone expected me to grieve, right? And so they left me alone, and so I did. And after a 月 或者 two had passed, I stopped... crying in public and such, and I suppose people thought I'd gotten over it 或者 something. Of course I hadn't – how're 你 supposed to get over something like that in two short months? – I'd merely forcibly pulled myself together for exams, because I couldn't afford to fail them, not now when I have to get a job after this year, 或者 else I'll have no money to live on, Tuney took it all, and... ugh."
"Tuney?"
"Yeah, my sister. Petunia. She hates me. And took all the money our parents left us. But anyway –" she didn't get much further than that, because James interrupted. "All the money? Is that even legal?"
"Of course it isn't," she laughed, slightly bitter. "I could have taken her to court, but that would've resulted in a huge legal battle which would have cost even more, and would probably have meant that I couldn't have come back, because they'd have needed me at the trial 或者 whatever, and I mean, I'm Head Girl, I can't not come to school, right? And I earned enough doing odd jobs during the summer to stay at the Leaky Cauldron and really, I'm quite fine."
"Aha. Okay." James's tone implied disbelief, but Lily was too relieved to finally be talking about it that she barely noticed.
"Now where was I? Right. Honestly, 你 have no idea how much I wanted to fall back to that crying wreck straight after exams, but then school suddenly ended, and I was alone. It wasn't so bad, then, because nobody knew that... nobody knew my parents were dead, so nobody tried to offer up their useless sympathies.
"And then, all too soon, I got the letter informing me I got Head Girl, and even though I tried to resign immediately, Dumbledore wouldn't have any of it... And so here I am, with everyone looking up to me – which, 由 the way, is just really odd – and I can't just go around having nervous breakdowns all the time, can ?"
James shook his head sadly. "So 你 have them at four in the morning instead, when no one can see you."
"Yeah... there goes that plan, huh?" she replied with a weak attempt at a smile.
"You could have 说 something... Nobody should have to go through that alone." James was racking his brains, trying to remember a time when Lily had seemed out of sorts 或者 tired somehow, anything that could have indicated midnight breakdowns like this one – and mentally kicking himself as he came up with many. He'd just been so caught up, so absorbed in dreaming about her that he hadn't noticed how abnormally she had been behaving.
"What could 你 have done? It's not like I've been, I dunno, bullied 或者 something; then you'd be able to beat them up – not that I'd approve."
"What am I doing now?" he countered. "Come on, Lily. Tell me it makes no difference to have someone to cry it out to. Go on, I dare you." They stared at each other, neither looking away until finally, Lily shook her head slowly. "I can't," she 说 softly. "Not truthfully, at least."
"Exactly." was all he 说 before once 更多 wrapping his arms around her, trying in vain to protect her from the world.
The 下一个 morning, no one seemed to notice that both Head Students looked rather exhausted and each 更多 comfortable in the other's company than they had the night before – and if they did, they didn't say anything, figuring that whatever was going on between James and Lily would most probably be public knowledge soon enough.
––––––
James was, quite frankly, stressed as hell.
He was supposed to be at Quidditch practise in exactly twenty-two minutes, and he still had to write half a Potions essay and three inches of one from Defence Against the Dark Arts, both to be handed in the following day. Practise was likely to run late into the night, so unless he wanted to be sitting in the Common Room until Merlin knows how late (or rather, early) he had to get at least some work done in the time left before he had go down to the Pitch and yell at his slightly-above-inept team for hours and hours in the freezing October evening.
He turned his attention back to the half-filled parchment in front of him, dismally trying to think up something, anything to say about Calming Draughts and the possible negative effects they might have on House Elves if used excessively (what was that about, anyway? Really, that's just Slughorn for you).
If House Elves ingest excessive amounts of Calming Draughts, they will, unfortunately, become 更多 than slightly tipsy, as if they had gone to Professor Dumbledore's Firewhiskey stores instead of a simple Calming Draught...
James very nearly threw down his quill in frustration, electing instead to shove the parchment aside and grab the other one, seeing as he was 更多 likely to write three 更多 inches on identifying Dark creatures than half a roll of parchment on aforementioned Calming Draughts.
All too quickly for his liking, the time crept closer and closer to seven o'clock until finally he just had to leave. Gathering his Quidditch gear, he quite literally dragged himself down to the Pitch and attached dressing rooms, pulling on his gear in a manner so apathetic that someone who didn't know him quite as well as, say, Sirius did would think he was surely depressed, if not suicidal.
Sirius, however, knew better. This was just a combination of lovesick-puppy-James, extremely-stressed-James and resigned-to-getting-very-little-sleep-James. All he needed was a slight push, and he'd begin to resemble an animated creature again... which is why the 下一个 thing Sirius did was trickle the glass of cold water he was holding down James's neck. Instead of hitting Sirius like he would have done to anyone else who tried that particular trick, however, he shook his head suddenly and smiled grimly.
"Thanks, mate. I needed that." And with that, James Potter, Head Boy and Quidditch Captain extraordinaire, stood up and left the changing room, Sirius not far behind him.
They stood like that for the longest time, James resting his chin on Lily's forehead, holding her, trying to wordlessly communicate so many things that could never be 说 aloud, at least not yet, not while she was this vulnerable, not while the both of them were still finding their footing as seventh-years. But one 日 they would be said, James promised himself, one 日 before graduation he would tell her all those things he'd been dying to say ever since 圣诞节 of sixth year. It had been then, as he watched her 吻乐队（Kiss） some Ravenclaw under a bough of mistletoe and wished harder than he'd ever wished for anything that it had been him wrapped in her embrace and not that Ravenclaw, that he'd known she was different, that he'd sworn to do whatever it took to make her see that he was serious now. That he was no longer joking when he tossed a 'Go out with me, Evans?' at her in passing, no matter what his tone implied, even though he hadn't 说 it for a while, partly because of the half-exasperated, half-confused expression she got each time and partly because he couldn't 熊 the rejection much more. Partly because he still remembered her words that 日 at the lake: "I wouldn't go out with 你 if it were a choice between 你 and the Giant Squid!". He still remembered them, and they still hurt.
After what seemed like quite a while, but was probably only ten 分钟 或者 so, James gently steered the pair of them to her 床, 床上 (partly because standing bunched up against him like that can't have been comfortable, partly because his legs were beginning to cramp up) and sat them down, slowly rubbing circles into her back, figuring she'd talk when she was ready. And eventually she was, pulling away from him with a watery smile and a mumbled apology. "I – James... I'm sorry – it's just..."
He cut her off with a smile. "Hey, it's okay." The small kindness was almost enough to set her off again, and she sniffed a couple of times before leaning dejectedly into James's shoulder. It occurred to James that he was sitting on a girl's bed, with 说 girl in a very vulnerable state, and he wasn't even trying to take advantage of it. The only thing he wanted at that moment, cliché 或者 not, was for the girl he held in his arms to be happy, to vanish the tears even now staining her huge 翠, 翡翠 eyes. "Do 你 want to talk about it?" he asked, trying to be as tactful as possible. He didn't know quite what was going on – he remembered how depressed Lily had been in March and April, when she had just found out about her parents' death, but she had seemed to have recovered quite well, regaining most if not all of her bubbly personality in time for May and the exams that took place in June. But perhaps her recovery hadn't been quite as total as she had left the world to believe, because he honestly couldn't think of anything else that would have her crying her eyes out (in his arms, no less) at four in the morning. Not when she had class that 日 – that just went against everything that was Lily Evans.
"I... ugh. How can I begin to explain this to you?"
"Erm. I really don't know? Try starting at the beginning, maybe?" James was rather confused, seeing as it wasn't too often hysterical girls chose to find comfort in him. That was really 更多 Moony's job... but he'd be damned if he was going to run away and leave Lily alone with her troubles. His mother would never forgive him (and he didn't think he'd quite forgive himself).
"The beginning. Right." Lily gave a shaky laugh and sucked in a deep breath before continuing. "Well, 你 already know that my parents – my parents died in March, right?"
He nodded, not wanting to say anything in case it was exactly the wrong thing. He remembered when, in his third year, his younger sister had died after a long illness – he knew they meant well, but the tirade of person after sympathetic person offering up useless apologies had made him want to 冲床 someone. Preferably a Slytherin.
"Yeah. So everyone expected me to grieve, right? And so they left me alone, and so I did. And after a 月 或者 two had passed, I stopped... crying in public and such, and I suppose people thought I'd gotten over it 或者 something. Of course I hadn't – how're 你 supposed to get over something like that in two short months? – I'd merely forcibly pulled myself together for exams, because I couldn't afford to fail them, not now when I have to get a job after this year, 或者 else I'll have no money to live on, Tuney took it all, and... ugh."
"Tuney?"
"Yeah, my sister. Petunia. She hates me. And took all the money our parents left us. But anyway –" she didn't get much further than that, because James interrupted. "All the money? Is that even legal?"
"Of course it isn't," she laughed, slightly bitter. "I could have taken her to court, but that would've resulted in a huge legal battle which would have cost even more, and would probably have meant that I couldn't have come back, because they'd have needed me at the trial 或者 whatever, and I mean, I'm Head Girl, I can't not come to school, right? And I earned enough doing odd jobs during the summer to stay at the Leaky Cauldron and really, I'm quite fine."
"Aha. Okay." James's tone implied disbelief, but Lily was too relieved to finally be talking about it that she barely noticed.
"Now where was I? Right. Honestly, 你 have no idea how much I wanted to fall back to that crying wreck straight after exams, but then school suddenly ended, and I was alone. It wasn't so bad, then, because nobody knew that... nobody knew my parents were dead, so nobody tried to offer up their useless sympathies.
"And then, all too soon, I got the letter informing me I got Head Girl, and even though I tried to resign immediately, Dumbledore wouldn't have any of it... And so here I am, with everyone looking up to me – which, 由 the way, is just really odd – and I can't just go around having nervous breakdowns all the time, can ?"
James shook his head sadly. "So 你 have them at four in the morning instead, when no one can see you."
"Yeah... there goes that plan, huh?" she replied with a weak attempt at a smile.
"You could have 说 something... Nobody should have to go through that alone." James was racking his brains, trying to remember a time when Lily had seemed out of sorts 或者 tired somehow, anything that could have indicated midnight breakdowns like this one – and mentally kicking himself as he came up with many. He'd just been so caught up, so absorbed in dreaming about her that he hadn't noticed how abnormally she had been behaving.
"What could 你 have done? It's not like I've been, I dunno, bullied 或者 something; then you'd be able to beat them up – not that I'd approve."
"What am I doing now?" he countered. "Come on, Lily. Tell me it makes no difference to have someone to cry it out to. Go on, I dare you." They stared at each other, neither looking away until finally, Lily shook her head slowly. "I can't," she 说 softly. "Not truthfully, at least."
"Exactly." was all he 说 before once 更多 wrapping his arms around her, trying in vain to protect her from the world.
The 下一个 morning, no one seemed to notice that both Head Students looked rather exhausted and each 更多 comfortable in the other's company than they had the night before – and if they did, they didn't say anything, figuring that whatever was going on between James and Lily would most probably be public knowledge soon enough.
––––––
James was, quite frankly, stressed as hell.
He was supposed to be at Quidditch practise in exactly twenty-two minutes, and he still had to write half a Potions essay and three inches of one from Defence Against the Dark Arts, both to be handed in the following day. Practise was likely to run late into the night, so unless he wanted to be sitting in the Common Room until Merlin knows how late (or rather, early) he had to get at least some work done in the time left before he had go down to the Pitch and yell at his slightly-above-inept team for hours and hours in the freezing October evening.
He turned his attention back to the half-filled parchment in front of him, dismally trying to think up something, anything to say about Calming Draughts and the possible negative effects they might have on House Elves if used excessively (what was that about, anyway? Really, that's just Slughorn for you).
If House Elves ingest excessive amounts of Calming Draughts, they will, unfortunately, become 更多 than slightly tipsy, as if they had gone to Professor Dumbledore's Firewhiskey stores instead of a simple Calming Draught...
James very nearly threw down his quill in frustration, electing instead to shove the parchment aside and grab the other one, seeing as he was 更多 likely to write three 更多 inches on identifying Dark creatures than half a roll of parchment on aforementioned Calming Draughts.
All too quickly for his liking, the time crept closer and closer to seven o'clock until finally he just had to leave. Gathering his Quidditch gear, he quite literally dragged himself down to the Pitch and attached dressing rooms, pulling on his gear in a manner so apathetic that someone who didn't know him quite as well as, say, Sirius did would think he was surely depressed, if not suicidal.
Sirius, however, knew better. This was just a combination of lovesick-puppy-James, extremely-stressed-James and resigned-to-getting-very-little-sleep-James. All he needed was a slight push, and he'd begin to resemble an animated creature again... which is why the 下一个 thing Sirius did was trickle the glass of cold water he was holding down James's neck. Instead of hitting Sirius like he would have done to anyone else who tried that particular trick, however, he shook his head suddenly and smiled grimly.
"Thanks, mate. I needed that." And with that, James Potter, Head Boy and Quidditch Captain extraordinaire, stood up and left the changing room, Sirius not far behind him.
