Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' 由 Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor 说 we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The 日 你 left, I swore I'd never talk to 你 again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always 你 who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first 移动 as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my 心 says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for 你 in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks 以前 I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her 首页 with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like 你 wouldn't believe and 屁股 that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the 长椅, 沙发 being blown 由 this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but 你 see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better 心 than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique 或者 her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because 你 weren't there to watch. Do 你 know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do 你 remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped 由 last week with a pan of lasagna. She 说 she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the 下一个 thing 你 know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, 你 know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight 或者 her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops 由 with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's 给 me lots of good 建议 about 你 and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as 你 and all I can do is think of how much she looks like 你 when 你 were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured 你 about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do 你 see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your 心 你 must know it. Don't 你 think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If 你 feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can 你 let me know where the f***ing remote is?
爱情 Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor 说 we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The 日 你 left, I swore I'd never talk to 你 again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always 你 who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first 移动 as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my 心 says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for 你 in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks 以前 I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her 首页 with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like 你 wouldn't believe and 屁股 that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the 长椅, 沙发 being blown 由 this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but 你 see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better 心 than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique 或者 her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because 你 weren't there to watch. Do 你 know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do 你 remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped 由 last week with a pan of lasagna. She 说 she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the 下一个 thing 你 know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, 你 know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight 或者 her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops 由 with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's 给 me lots of good 建议 about 你 and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as 你 and all I can do is think of how much she looks like 你 when 你 were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured 你 about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do 你 see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your 心 你 must know it. Don't 你 think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If 你 feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can 你 let me know where the f***ing remote is?
爱情 Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
