Me, Myself, and I

By Rita Skeeter

Exclusive interview with notorious Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange

"Here I am, sitting in the private dungeon of the notorious Bellatrix Lestrange, most feared follower of the Dark Lord, and having a completely normal interview. Read on to see if there’s 更多 to Bellatrix than just madness and a nasty reputation!"

RS: Hello!

BL: *growls*

RS: Do 你 mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?

BL: What’s that?

*fingers wand handle threateningly*

RS: Oh, nothing, erm, moving on…Can I call 你 Bella?

BL: No.

RS: Can I see your Dark Mark?

BL: *glares threateningly* How DARE...

Credit: www.the-leaky-cauldron.org. I didn't write this.

"This afternoon, I was lucky enough to be among 400 other movie 粉丝 to attend a test screening of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2" in Chicago, Illinois.
Rumors had been circuiting around the internet about this screening, but confirmation that it was Harry Potter didn't come until just before the film started. Since this was a working cut of the film, many effects and scenes were not finished. At least 50% of the special effects were still in the CGI rendering stage, and green screens were visible throughout the film. Also,...

Credit: sparknotes.com. They have this thing every week called the "Think Tank", and this was the problem from a few weeks ago. Can 你 guys help our Lord solve the problem? 或者 will he crucio 你 into oblivion for not being able to? How word-savvy are 你 fellow Death Eaters??

Everybody's 最喜爱的 Dark Lord is dressed in his finest white zoot suit (picture Joseph Gordon Levitt, but with vastly 更多 figurative blood on his hands, 或者 Sue Sylvester, with vastly 更多 figurative blood on hers) and can't wait to meet up with—well, no one, because he has no friends. But nonetheless, he's breathless...

These are a bunch of funny alternate endings to Harry Potter I found. I did NOT write them.

Scooby Doo ending: Voldemort is captured, and is revealed to be Filch wearing a mask. As he is hauled away, he shouts, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for 你 meddling kids!”

South Park ending: After defeating Voldemort, Harry and Ron address the audience, saying, “You know, I’ve learned something today.” Suddenly, Ginny is run over 由 the Knight Bus, prompting Ron to shout, “They killed Ginny!” Harry responds, “You bastards!” Neville laughs and says it’s...

Name: Katherina Nastacia Smirnov (Also sometimes spelled Smirnoff). Goes 由 "Kate". If you're mad at her, use her full name, :P

Kate joined the Death Eaters when Voldemort was first in power, and is one of the few female Death Eaters. She is an extremely skilled and accomplished witch, with excellent dueling skills.
Kate is Russian, and started out her schooling at Durmstrang, but transferred to Hogwarts during her third year. She told people it was because she wanted a better education, but it was really because she'd gotten kicked out of Durmstrang. On purpose. She hated it there, and she...

Credit: mugglenet.com

1. Make him take a shower.

2. Make him use shampoo in aforementioned shower.

3. Make him use clarifying shampoo.

4. Apparate 下一个 to him, hand him a tube of super-strong facial cleanser, then quickly Disapparate before he realizes what happened.

5. Enchant this cleanser to follow him around until he uses it.

6. ...enchant the cleanser to follow him around anyway.

7. Tell him 你 偷了 his teddy bear.

8. Tell him 你 won't give it back until he agrees to wash his hair.

9. When he washes his hair, tell him 你 were just kidding and 说 teddy 熊 has already been destroyed.

10. Sneak...

Here's the deal...with everything that's just happened, I feel the need to say a few things. And some of 你 might not like them. Please read this with an open mind, and understand that i'm not mad, and that this is just my opinion. Like i've also 说 at the bottom of this article, i'm NOT accusing anyone of anything, and i'm NOT trying to offend anyone. When this whole issue is resolved, I hope I can still be 老友记 with all of you, because you're all great people, and i'm really glad to have met you.
With that, here's "Brutal Honesty, Part 1"

I honestly can't believe how some of 你 have...

Voldemort didn't really have much experience with 爱情 letters. Okay, he had no experience with them, having never really believed in 爱情 until he'd laid eyes on Dolores Umbridge.

"Hmmm", he muttered to himself, "You make me feel like I'm being Crucio-ed", he scribbled the lines down on a piece of parchment then crossed the out. What if she didn't like violence 或者 crucio?

"Maybe I should just ask her out", he thought.

After several hours of planning his 下一个 move, he conjured up a bouquet of roses. He knew women liked roses. What he didn't know was that women usually preferred their 玫瑰 to...

Credit: link. I didn't write it myself.

"I like taking pointless 脸谱 surveys as much as the 下一个 person. But, since they’re mostly about kissing, I started to wonder how someone completely incapable of feeling 爱情 might handle such things. So I just had to tag my good pal Lord Voldemort in my most 最近的 survey. Here's what he had to say:

Was your last 吻乐队（Kiss） standing up, sitting down, 或者 lying down?
The only 吻乐队（Kiss） I believe in is the Dementor's kiss, and as I have very little soul remaining in my withered husk of a body, one would have little effect on me.

Whose 床, 床上 were 你 on last?
Nagini's,...

    Wormtail sighed as he sprayed detergent on the Dark Lords second-best black robe, (which, coincidentally, looked almost exactly like his best black robe. And his third, fourth, fifth, and sixth best black robes as well). He found it rather depressing that even after all he had done, handing over the Potters, and helping the Dark Lord regain his body, that the Dark Lord STILL made him do his laundry and fetch his lattes. At least it wasn’t as bad this time, since Bellatrix wasn’t-
“Hahahahaha!”, came a loud cackle behind him. He buried his face in his hands, which...

Lightning struck in the 苦 night. Water trickled down the 墙 and into my hair. If there were ever such a thing as hell on Earth, this place was it. Azkaban, which has been my 首页 for about a 年 或者 two is that hell. It's a place that even the most blood thirsty wizards are known to fear. Just the darkness of this place can turn the calmest woman into a screaming banshee, 或者 the most understanding man into a cynical old grocuh. I blinked as a drop of ice cold water fell onto my forehead and ran down my nose. Just then, I heard a loud scream of a woman, which went on for about three minutes...

嘿 Guys. Here is A 列表 I came up with (Luna--Lovegood helped) of fun ways to annoy Bellatrix. Guaranteed to get 你 crucio-ed! Please 评论 and let me know what 你 think. Thank 你 to Luna--Lovegood for helping me write this, 你 are quite creative for a non-deatheater, Luna!

1. Impersonate the dark Lord and convince her that he’s really into peace with Muggles.

2. Whenever she cackles evilly, roll your eyes in an obvious way and grumble, “That’s getting sooooo old, Bella”

3. 下一个 time she uses the Cruciatus Curse on someone, groan and say she has no imagination when it comes to torturing...

    Xander walked quickly down the long corridor dragging a prisoner behind him.
    “Help! Help!” the woman laughs as she stumbles along in Xander’s grasp, “I’m being oppressed!”
Rolling his eyes, the young prison guard throws the deranged woman into her cell, causing her to fall to her knees. He quickly shuts the prison bars and glares at her through them.
    “My, my, sir,” the woman began smirking up at her guard, “You just met me, no need to be so aggressive with me yet.”
    “Ms. Clement,...