a. 写作 fanfic about real people is immediately offputting especially when it's so ridiculously ooc but i'll ignore that
b. the first paragraph is "I, I, I." it's boring and all the structure is the same throughout. vary your syntax. don't just use simple sentences with one compound thrown in here - where are your subordinate clauses?
c. it moves way too fast. don't jump right into the action, c'mon now. mystery novels don't put the murder on the first page (unless they're flashing forward). the amount of action in this 文章 should be at least a few thousand words in length. it's rushed.
i liked the plot line 你 were trying to convey, it had good characters and 你 obviouslt knew what 你 were trying to do. but, it didnt really attract me, its sort of boring to be honest, sorry, i know 你 probably worked hard on it, 你 should also try to make it a bit longer.
and if 你 like 写作 fanfiction 或者 writing..anything, 你 shouldnt post it on here, and maybe instead post it on Wattpad, a site used specificly for people who want to write.
i have one, and i have actually written one, but i wont tell 你 what its called because i dont want to.