Loki (Thor 2011) How awful is my writing?

Hono_neko posted on Jul 14, 2012 at 04:03PM
I'm starting on a new fanfiction, mostly because I'm bored, and I want to know what you guys think, so here's Chapter 1.
The strangest person in the small town of Starbrook sat cradled in the snow-laden branches of an ancient tree, watching the sun creep tiredly over the horizon, and wishing she could disappear.
She wore a loose brown shirt, a billowing camo skirt over black leggings, a pair of fingerless gloves made of soft brown yarn, and a dark green scarf. Her hair was a dark reddish-black and had been braided down her back to her waist, and her pale gray eyes gleamed with just a hint of blue.
She was crying.
The salty, unwanted tears rolled down her pale cheeks. She couldn't stop them, so she let them flow as her shoulders shook with silent sobs.
She was angry, and sad, and very, very cold. She wanted desperately to escape, but... from what? There was nothing tangible to run from, no seeking eyes to avoid, no searching mind to outsmart. There were only the nightmares, and the pain they caused, and the frustration of being so helpless against them.
She looked up at the sun again, and it glowed like hot iron. A vividly remembered pain shot through her, and she gripped the branches which supported her weight. Hot iron... just like all those years ago, the day a madman thought he was an exorcist... hot iron, which found her again every time she closed her eyes.
She couldn't look at the sun; the memory it awakened seared her mind and stirred her fear. She looked, instead, at the craggy bark of the ancient tree that served as her perch.
Eventually, she felt calm again. By then, the sun was a more tolerable color.
She stood up, resting one half-gloved hand against the sturdy tree, and looked out over the town of Starbrook.
It was time to face another day.

Loki (Thor 2011) 15 回复

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一年多以前 haydensfan said…
Its actully pretty good I enjoyed the excerpt.
一年多以前 Hono_neko said…
Thanks. :) I might publish it on fanfiction.net.
一年多以前 truemonkeygrl said…
big smile
it is good i like it a lot
一年多以前 PucksLady said…
Wow! I really hope this becomes a story! It's very well-written. I like it a lot.
一年多以前 sideshowbobbart said…
wow this is really good

how come i've never seen you around the writing club?
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…

The Security Guard

And They We Were In The Elevator All Of Us People We all Clammed
Tight Together Going Down When I Cought climps Of The Security Guard Ooh I
Was Attracted To Him Right Away It Took Me 2 Seconds To Fall In Love
With The Guy He Saw Me Looking Back At Him I Went Up To Him And
Said Your Fine In His Ear I said Quickly Excitedly I want To Have
Sex with You He Just Smiled Back At Me And I Louphed As The Elevator
Stopped At The Department Store Section I Said Well I See Ya Later And
Ran Out Of The Elevator Door

There I Was Window Shopping Kinda Looking Around And I Liked The Candy
They Had And Since Pee Pee Didn't Like Me I Guess I'll Go With The Security Guard !
I Quoted. But I Don't Have Any Money So I Put The Candy In My Sweater
Jacket Hoping That That Security Guard Didn't Notice Me I Went Back
To The Elevator Went In And Chill Ran Down My Neck When I Saw Him Candy
Dropped Out Of My Pocket And He Saw He Said To Me What Is All That Did
You Pay For That Let Me See The Receipt So He Cought Me And Nicely Told
Me To Put That Back I Said Quickly Oh Man So We Escorted Me Back To The
Department Store And Made Put Back The Candy One By One Next Day I Attempted
It Again With A Bag This Time To Make Sure He Didn't See Me I Went To The
Department Store's Back Elevator And I Went Awe As There He Was Again I
Didn't Know He Be In The Back Elevator And There He Was Standing In The
Elevator I Was Thinking Just How Good Looking He Really Was To Me This Time
He Didn't Notice Until I ran Out The Elevator Door As Fast As I Could Down
The Park Way Where Nobody Could See Me I Was Sketchy All The Way Out Of The
Buildings Drive Way And It Was A Tall 50 Story Department Building And It
Made Me So Nervous With The Guilt Of Steeling From The Department Store
Thinking That Everyone Was Watching Me So Cought To The Fence Went To Sit
Down On Top Of It There The Security Guard Didn't Notice My Bag Of Candy
But We Ended Up Talking And I Really Enjoyed Our Conversation It Was Nice
It Made Us Feel Both Warm Hume I Started To Get A Little Dizzy With All My
Nervous Tension I Felt Heat Burning In My Eye's And Forehead I Dabbed Myself
With The back Of My Hand And Wiped Off The Sweat From My Fore Head And Then I
Awoke From A Dream.

The Next Day I Went Back To The Department Store With The Idea That I Was Going
To Try To Get That Security Guard To Go On A Date With Me So There Again I Saw
Him In The Elevator And I Whispered In His Ear Do You Want To Go Out On A Date
With Me Smiling And Laughing He Said Yes I Was Hoping That You Would Ask Me. I
Sais Yes ! He Invited Me To His Apartment And Gave Me All His Information Driving
Directions Wich Apartment To Go To And It Was A Nice Apartment When I Got There
Brand New And Clean With A Waterfall In The Front Of It And The Colors Where Dark
Blue I Said To My Self I Really Like This Guy I Was Worried Hoping Everything Would
Work Out Fine Between Us. Couse I Was So Nervous Couse I Really Liked Him And Like
Everyone Else He Had To Work Every Day. And So It Was A Little Hard For Him Too.

I Went Into His Apartment. The Bed Room Was Like A Living Room Which He Had Nice Blue
Comforter And Sheeted Bed I Think They Where Satin And He Has This Square Piece Glass
Like Wall I Think Crystallized On The Left When You Walk Into The Door Which Was On The Right
Hand Side You See It On The Left. It Had A Nice Waterfall Effect On It Was Very Beautiful
So He Came To Greet Me We Both Got Undressed As We Were Both Kissing And Climbed
Into His Nice And Confrotable Bed We Made Love The Whole Night The Next Morning He
Went To Work He Was Gone By The Time I Awoke So I Had The Apartment All To My Self.
I Stayed There For about a Week. One Dream I Had When I Was Staying There One Night Was
About Me Disappearing From Him And Turning Into The Purple Flowers That Just Out side
The Garden Apartments Garden And Me Becoming Them And Then Another Girl With Fear Of
Her Sleeping With The Security Guard That I Had Fell In Love With. I Came To The 50
Story Building To His Work Into His Office And Gave Him Some Mexican Food It Was In
A Bag And Then I Left To Go Home And That Was THE END.
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
Whats A Fanictiom ?
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
Couse I Live In Sickness
My Mind Rotts As I Strain
Ecelerated By False Aucsajin
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
As I Struggle In Vain
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
If You Like Trading Loki Pictures Add Me To Your Freinds List K Or Buddy List To Hono_Neko
一年多以前 Hono_neko said…
There's a writing club?!?! Must investigate!
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
did you like my reply neko ? and my story ?
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
big smile
The Security Guard Is A Movie That I Want To Make Want To Read Another One Too Neko ?
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
Neko I Can Write Another One They Are All Horror
一年多以前 CarinSDanta said…
I wish I could Meet You Hono_Neko