hmm well it needs a lot of work... do 你 have a beta reader? cuz that would help, at least with coherency... also, the 写作 seems like it's mostly dialogue (i only read like the first chapter) which can get kindof confusing... 你 should make sure the reader knows who's talking when... and maybe provide a little 描述 so we can keep track of the timeline...I'm not really sure where you're going with this fic, but has potential! it just needs some basic work... also, with the swearing... I'm sorry, but i find it kindof hard to believe, coming from some of these characters...just something to keep in mind...
i read it.its kinda good.i just can't stand serenity being paired with yami bakura.its weird.tristen and duke i can understand but i NEVER saw yami bakura cry in the 日本动漫 so its weird for him to in a fanfic