1. If 你 are married, and intend to renew your wedding vows, DON'T. 你 will end up divorced.
2. Amnesia is very common. In fact, nearly every time 你 hit your head amnesia will result. AND it's fairly simple to get rid of. Just have people:
A)Take turns hitting 你 on the head again until your memory comes back
OR
B)Have them let 你 wander around, confused, for a few days until it comes back on its own 或者 something else hits 你 on the head.
3. If a friend 或者 member of your family introduces a cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, etc that looks EXACTLY like them, run in the other direction. They are always EVIL.
4. Do not hire a butler, a maid, 或者 a nanny unless 你 are willing to accept them into your family. Either 你 或者 a family member will end up falling in 爱情 with them. In the case of two 或者 更多 of the above living under one roof, prepare for double the 爱情 troubles.
5. If 你 have a pet, 你 don't need to train them! They will grow up to perform tricks, save people's lives, and be really really cute entirely on their own!
6. If 你 have a secret, the entire world will know in just 22 short minutes. Doesn't matter if 你 "tell" anyone, somehow everyone will still find out.
7. 你 will dislike the company of (possibly even despise) your in-laws.
7a. 你 will dislike your kid'(s) bf/gf.
7b. 9 times out of 10 they will also dislike you.
8. Twins are a really common phenomenon (both identical and fraternal). 你 can have twins easily with no fertility treatments! Wow, awesome! So if 你 are expecting, don't just eat for 2. Play it 安全 and eat for 3.
9. If 你 see a pair of handcuffs, don't touch them. Just don't. The keys are always missing. But if 你 do happen to touch the handcuffs, prepare yourself to wind up being attached to:
A)The sibling 你 like the least
B)Someone ridiculous (i.e. hooker, stranger, etc)
C)Someone 你 can't stand
D)All of the above?
This will normally last for around 24 hours.
10. Stag/Hen parties are always, always, always a BAD idea. No elaboration needed.
11. Running into your ex(s), even in a big city, is really common and will always happen when 你 are with your current significant other.
11a. If your ex calls and wants to see 你 DO NOT (i repeat) DO NOT agree to see them again because they will always attempt to get back together with you.
11b. Conversely, if 你 attempt reconciliation they will always be with their significant other. Damn.
12. It is not only easy to meet your 最喜爱的 celebrity, but appearing on their show, 唱歌 with them, 或者 getting them to assist 你 in some hair brained scheme is also fairly simple.
13. Never buy an expensive vase, desk, lamp, piece of furniture, vest, dress, watch (ok, just don't buy anything expensive at all!) because it will somehow end up broken, lost, 或者 destroyed.
13a. Hint: If 你 have children, they did it.
13b. If 你 don't have children, it's most likely an extraneous family member causing trouble. See #7.
14. If 你 intend to throw someone a surprise party 或者 event of some sort, they will always find out. See #6.
15. Architects, Doctors, Lawyers, TV/Radio hosts, Musicians, and Designers are all very common career choices. Hardly anyone ever becomes a Teacher, Secretary, Clerk, 或者 Accountant. (How boring!)
16. If 你 do something terrible to a friend 或者 family member all 你 need to do is apologize and all will be forgiven. Whether 你 called your sibling a nasty name 或者 cheated on your spouse, they will forgive 你 and life moves on. After all, that's what 老友记 and family do! NOTE: Sometimes, multiple apologies may be necessary.
17. Beware of your neighbors. They are always annoying and generally very nosy. If 你 suspect they are spying on you, it's because they probably are! They never have anything better to do with their time except come over and bother you. Better get used to it!
18. If 你 have a cellar, make sure to check it on a semi-normal basis. Somehow, someone will end up stuck down there (and they'll start losing their minds almost immediately!)
19. If 你 are a teenager, 你 will always get the boy/girl of your dreams to fall for you. It doesn't matter if 你 are the world's biggest nerd and they are the world's biggest hottie; just pursue them for a little while and everything will turn out the way 你 want. (Again, this may take a little time. But don't despair, it will happen!)
20. Never eavesdrop. 你 will inevitably misinterpret the overheard conversation and come to a grandiose and incorrect conclusion which will result in your embarrassment. So, if 你 hear two people 你 know discussing something important, resist the urge to listen in.
Note from the author: The above does not necessarily apply to animated 或者 "mockumentary" sitcoms (i.e. The Simpsons, The Office, Scrubs, Family Guy, Modern Family, etc.)
