Okay first, let me tell you:
DUDEEEE!
Your life truly sucks.
And second:
Welcome!
你 are in the right place. Now sit down and grab some salt.
Here are some examples to follow from the people who know how to deal with crappy situations the best. Just choose the 个人资料 that fits 你 the best.
FIRST PROFILE:
你 are a strong person, who doesn’t really like chick flick moments 或者 to 显示 your emotions, but that, in reality, is as cute as a teddy 熊 (that sometimes gets pissed off) can be?
Well then, lucky you! 你 are just like Dean and 你 have a kick-ass personality!
你 are really in 爱情 with your car, and that’s kind of awesome, since driving a car is a great way of clearing your mind. So since 你 aren’t the biggest planes fan, 你 should drive and drive on your car. And don’t worry about the gasoline price 或者 something like that [it’s not like there’s a oil war out there, and those things are overrated anyways], that’s why the fake credit cards exist.
你 might get a bit tired of the driving, though (yep, that happens to the best ones, no need to be ashamed). So if that happens, just rent a motel room and make sure that it comes with a vibrating massage 床, 床上 (you may need a lot of coins for this one). Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but there’s no need to be shy. Also, 你 will be alone in the room. Who do 你 think it can be there anyways, your brother? Yea, right. Like he doesn’t have a life of his own. *insert sarcasm note here*
BUT, if your bother is in the room with 你 for some creepy 或者 邪恶力量 reason, make sure 你 make as much fun as 你 can of him. That will make 你 happy as hell, I promise. Also, there’s nothing wrong in using his laptop and go visit some cool websites like bustyasianbeauties.com. 你 would be doing him a favor, if 你 ask me. He needs to learn something about real life (so yea, make sure to update his internet favorites). 你 can also get a myspace, I heard that women dig that (Note to yourself: learn what the hell a myspace is).
你 don’t wanna be closed in a strange and cheap motel room forever, so get out and have some fun. Meet new people. And 由 people I mean women and 由 meeting I mean getting laid; but it’s all the same right? Just be reaaaally careful with the type of women 你 meet; some of them can be very sneaky and steal a hand of your pocket without 你 even noticing, literally (again, don’t feel bad if that happens, at least she was willing to have animal sex with you).
Just drink some purple nipple shots and you’ll be fine.
Of course all this epic journey should be taken with some old school rock cassettes and pie (LOTS of pie). I heard that mumbling 金属乐队 it’s a really good way of calming down. And pie it’s just good for your health.
Most of all, don’t forget to have FUN! Go visit some cool places like Hollywood. Who knows, 你 can even bang Paris Hilton (or make sure 你 kill her, so she can’t ruin some 随意 epic tv 显示 – that would be kind of awesome).
Just make sure 你 be careful, 你 don’t wanna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot. So stay away from crossroads, okay?
Final advice: Helping 老友记 is awesome, and 你 are an amazing friend. Just make sure 你 don’t help them too much, 或者 你 might end up in jail.
And remember, 你 are awesome. And adorable.
SECOND PROFILE:
你 are smart, open-minded, generous and 你 don’t like when people mess with your stuff? Nobody ever gets your intelligence? Aww well, aren’t 你 a cutie pie! 你 are just like Sam.
People don’t exactly understand/appreciate your smartness (yea, being smart hurts sometimes), so maybe that means it’s time to spread your horizons and meet new people. Just be cautious about who 你 meet, 你 don’t wanna ending up sleeping with someone *really* hairy who can bite (trust me when I tell 你 that those aren’t the type of bites you’re looking for) 或者 someone who keeps offering 你 some weird red bloody thing to drink.
If 你 can’t find someone under those conditions, no worries. Usually even the cheapest motels have porn channels, so It’s all good.
你 should go out 更多 often, but 你 also need to collaborate. If 你 go to a 万圣节前夕 party, make sure 你 go dressed up in some costume [SUIT UP!]. 你 can’t go dressed up as yourself – UNLESS 你 are really hot; in that case 你 should UNdressed up and use just a towel around your waist (but I highly doubt that’s your case).
And to be the spirit [lol, excuse my choice of words] of the party 你 just need to charm people with some of your talents, like fairy tales and a couple of magic tricks. That will totally blow them away; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them become speechless after that.
你 can also invite people for some Pictionary game, because your draws are always so awesome!
If after all of that, 你 still don’t have some friends; damn those people seriously have issues. And who better to acknowledge their pain than you?
....
Yea, I thought so.
This means it’s time to start giving hugs. 显示 those people that 你 are there for them, in the end they are just 《勇敢传说》 little soldiers, too precious for this world.
....
Didn’t work?
Oh well, I’m not a freaking Angel, so don’t expect miracles.
And who needs 老友记 anyways? Don’t 你 have a brother 或者 something? That will do.
Also, here’s some good news: 你 don’t need anybody to get drunk.
Just make sure 你 don’t drink too much, otherwise, 你 will end up the night hugged to a toilet.
Final advice: Be careful while 你 sleep. Not everybody is nice like you, so be alert 或者 你 might wake up with some spoon in your mouth. Also, watch where 你 walk on, 你 don’t want to lose a shoe 或者 something.
Make sure 你 take this serious! It’s a very serious matter, we don’t have time for blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, BLAH!
