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posted by Shelly_McShelly
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere ?
‘Hold my purse.’

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have 给 us tickets.

Girls are like phones. We 爱情 to be held, talked too but if 你 press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

I’m very 《勇敢传说》 generally, he went on in a low voice: “Only today I happen...
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posted by Lola90210
GOD HATES ME

Chapter 1

        God Hates Me.
-ate some fries.
-Went to bed.

Chapter 2

        I am in a better mood today because I did my prayers and God spoke to me and he promised to put me in a group with my friends.
God Loves Me.

Chapter 3

        God must die! He is being so unreasonable!!! I asked him to put me in a group with my 老友记 but does he listen??! No! God is a bitch!
-I'm an 情绪硬核 from now on
-Went to bed

Chapter 4

        God...
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posted by prettystar
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long,
But I have all my organs.
I 爱情 the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it,
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your 心 beat
Is my 最喜爱的 lullaby.

Month Two.

Mommy,
Today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If 你 could see me
You could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my 首页 though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three.

You know what Mommy,
I'm a boy!
I hope that makes 你 happy.
I always want 你 to be happy.
I don't like it when 你 cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too,
And I cry with 你 even though
You can't hear...
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The Premier Açai Blend™
MonaVie's delicious blend of body-beneficial fruits is designed to nourish your body with powerful antioxidants and...
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posted by BellaCullen96
Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to 移动 on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When 你 leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe 你 embarrassed me AGAIN...."
Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using...
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posted by BellaSwan636
 I NOT HAS A PMS!!!!! - k.
I NOT HAS A PMS!!!!! - k.
-Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says to the other,"Jeez, it's hot in here!" The other one goes,"Aaah!!! Talking muffin!"

-A blonde is driving in her car, past all these fields. Suddenly, she sees a sunflower field with a broken down 船, 小船 in the middle, and another blonde is sitting in it, rowing and rowing. The blonde in the car stops, gets out and screams at the other blonde,"It's blondes like you that make blondes like us look bad! I swear, if I could swim, I'd come over there and slap you!"

-A blonde and a brunette are on a road trip. The brunette is driving, and she thinks her indicator...
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posted by Little_Cullen
O.K, so the other 日 we were handed this picture and told to write a poem. Well, 你 know me. This is what I came up with.

Giggle Giggle went the lad’s,
For they were doing something bad,
What they were holding in their hands,
Oh, it was not the building plans!

Leaders of the building team,
Oh - so - sensible they seemed,
But what nobody else did see,
Was making them chuckle with glee!

One of them looked over his shoulder,
One of the men, the picture holder,
Just to make absolutely sure,
No one thought them immature.

When he saw the coast was clear,
Once 更多 at the picture did he peer,
And I’m sure 由 now you’re aware,
Exactly what that man saw there!
okay, so people, my friend Megan and I are making a SECRET club that anyone can join!!! Though it's not a secret any more... Yeah, the SECRET club is called F.S. which stands for Fishy Stuff. And we made a spot on 潮流粉丝俱乐部 for F.S. soo 你 can join. Here is the club's rules:

1. Rules are made for breaking
2. Fishy stuff is not a club for people who want to discuis eating fishies
3. In order to 加入 F.S. 你 must eat at least 100,000 muffins.
4. Ignore theses rules
5. Break every rule appart from this one.
6. 茶 is like soup
7. Don't drink the laptop
8. EVERYTHING is yellow
9. this rule does not exist,...
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posted by TDIlover226
1# wait till there talking on the phone and say "your talking to that hooker again arn't you, I know she has problems but theres no need to go all phycaitrist on her.

2# stand 下一个 to her and go "toast?" and wait like your waiting for an answer, then go "hello, arn't 你 even gonna answer?" wait till they say what? then go "well, 你 need an aointment to go to that hair stylist", then wait again for them to say something else and go "YOU NEVER RESPECTED ME!" and run out of the room.

3# (this ones for boys) wait until your sister is talking with 老友记 then run up and sit between them and go...
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added by Heya
video
随意
added by shiriny
added by BiteMeCullen107
i don't know if this is already on here. i feel lazy and don't feel like looking.

i found this on some joke website:

CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED

SCHIZOPHRENIA: do 你 hear what i hear?

DEMENTIA: I think I'll be 首页 for Christmas

MANIC: deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and busses and trucks and trees and 火, 消防 hydrants and...

PARANOID: santa claus is coming to get me

PERSONALITY DISORDER: 你 better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll tell 你 why

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER: jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell...
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posted by KitkatKaysa
Capricorn.

Your element: Earth
Your ruling planets: Saturn
Symbol: The Goat
Your stone: Garnet
Life Pursuit: To be proud of their achievements
Vibration: Poweful resilient energy
Capricorn Secret Desire: to be admired 由 their family and 老友记 and the world at large

Description:
The sign of the high roller, Capricorn is regarded as the zodiac’s top, but also quiet, life and business achievers. But, there are two very different types of Capricorns.

The first is represented 由 the mountain goat, always climbing higher and higher; never content until reaching the top. The 秒 is the garden goat,...
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My Experience Ok (: I've Walked In Too The 音乐会 Center ...:) I've Sat Down!!!! I've Seen I Was 13 Rows Back From The Stage ..... I've Wated 1 小时 Omg I Got Extremely Exited Then He Came On Yay!!! Ok But Then It Wassss So Boring He Was Just Staining There 唱歌 I've Tryed Going up Front Row Scruty Hunny Go Back To You're 座位 Ooh K Then 鸭, 德雷克 Sad 你 Guys Could Come Front Row If U Want!!!!! Omg I Ran There 鸭, 德雷克 Got So Much Better Touching My Hand Connecting With The 粉丝 粉丝 Was 唱歌 Along Giving Him 花 Stuffed Bares Sines We All Had Glow Sticks .:) [= Yeah We Loved It Let Me Know If You've Seen Him Live Thanks For 阅读 And You're Comments
To Deadly Quit

Emily and Katlyn were celebrating a pretty Valentine's 日 together. Emily had cooked a stupid 晚餐 and they ate on a log 由 candlelight.

"My darling," Katlyn said, stroking Emily's booty, "I have something for you." She gave a box to Emily. "It is but a quick token of my lesbian love."

Emily opened the box. Inside was a speedy snake! She gazed at it dreadfully. Then she gazed at Katlyn dreadfully. "It's iggnorant," Emily said. "Come here and let me quit you."

Just then, a dumb crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a smile that stretches ear to ear. "Your happiness will not...
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posted by EllentheStrange
ok,this is a clean one!I'm not letting David help me with it,so some of them will be crappy.

1.Burn the Justin bieber Posters
2.Grap a chair and chips and sit back and relax
3.Slap a person and say that 你 have tourettes
4.Do the moonwalk,frontwards!
5.Try giving an exorcism to a teddy bear.
6.Ask 问题 to a magic 8 ball and take the 答案 seriuosly.
7.Do the Lyn-Z Way backbend!
8.Cry when 你 find out that they don't have any My chemical Romance posters.
9.Freak out when 你 see yourself in the bathroom mirror.
10.Slap my brother David with a Hot Pocket for having fucked up thoughts :^D
11.Buy all the hair straightener and eyeliner so none of the emos have them (//_^)
12.Randomly freak out whenever Surfing Bird comes on the Radio
13.Hug a 随意 person!
raindrops on 玫瑰 and whiskers on kittens
bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
brown paper packages tied up with strings
these are a few of my favourite things,

cream coloured ponies with crisp 苹果 strudels doorbells and sleybells and snitzel with nudels
wild geese that fly with the moon with there wings these are a few of my favourite things,

girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
snow flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
silver white winters that melt into springs
these are a few of my favourite things,

when the dog bites when the bee stings when Im feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite thing
and then I dont feel so bad
Chapter 3 The cult


“What are 你 on about?” I was shaking with anger. How dare she say what I am and what I'm not “Stuff you” I wanted to say much worse. I walked away from her. Suddenly James was in front of me, smirking at me then he slowly vanished. I had to get out of here. 由 the time I come back it will be too late.

I was walking down the empty 街, 街道 the sun had set already. How long have I been walking for? I did not even feel tired. Some how I ended up at the park... thinking of Hannah, I walked past where it all happened Hannah screams echoed inside my head. I felt nothing...
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posted by justinfangrrl
Ya' know how everybody thinks fairytales and magic aren't real? Well, I beleive in them!
I'm not talking about santa clause, tooth fairy and easter bunny kinda stuff... I mean like ghosts, 独角兽 and things of that sort.

Everybody in my family has seen SOMETHING. and don't call me crazy. =(

Why is it so inconceivable that these things can't exist? Why is it so hard to believe that a big hairy man walks around in the woods? It could be like a woodland ape!

What's wrong with thinking 独角兽 are real???! Who 说 they have to have magical powers? It's pretty much just a beautiful horse...
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