Here's the famous 'Best Divorce Letter' 由 Dan to Connie, pretty hilarious, definitely a must read! xD
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor 说 we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The 日 你 left, I swore I'd never talk to 你 again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always 你 who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first 移动 as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my 心 says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for 你 in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks 以前 I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her 首页 with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like 你 wouldn't believe and 屁股 that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the 长椅, 沙发 being blown 由 this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but 你 see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better 心 than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique 或者 her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because 你 weren't there to watch. Do 你 know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do 你 remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped 由 last week with a pan of lasagna. She 说 she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the 下一个 thing 你 know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, 你 know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight 或者 her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops 由 with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's 给 me lots of good 建议 about 你 and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as 你 and all I can do is think of how much she looks like 你 when 你 were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured 你 about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do 你 see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your 心 你 must know it. Don't 你 think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If 你 feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can 你 let me know where the f***ing remote is?
爱情 Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor 说 we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The 日 你 left, I swore I'd never talk to 你 again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first on to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always 你 who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first 移动 as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.
This is what my 心 says "There's no one like you, Connie. I look for 你 in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close."
Two weeks 以前 I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her 首页 with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19 with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. F***ing like 你 wouldn't believe and 屁股 that just wouldn't quite. Every man's dream, right?
As I sat on the 长椅, 沙发 being blown 由 this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but 你 see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better 心 than my modestly attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique 或者 her suttee shameless hunger; but something also, some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because 你 weren't there to watch. Do 你 know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do 你 remember Carol that singe mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped 由 last week with a pan of lasagna. She 说 she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later; but that's no the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the 下一个 thing 你 know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, 你 know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight 或者 her career and whether the kids can here us. And all of the sudden, she sports that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves and it's totally hot, but it makes e sad too because I can't help thinking "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday your sister drops 由 with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vickie’s just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's 给 me lots of good 建议 about 你 and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together. Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bath and taking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as 你 and all I can do is think of how much she looks like 你 when 你 were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole oral thing, and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured 你 about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do 你 see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring all I can do is think of you? It's true Connie. In your 心 你 must know it. Don't 你 think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If 你 feel the same please please please, let me know.
Otherwise, can 你 let me know where the f***ing remote is?
爱情 Dan
link the link to the actual letter.
Q .. How do 你 sink a submarine full of blondes?
A .. Knock on the door.
Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A .. A blonde parade.
Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q .. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A .. Third grade.
Q .. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A .. 你 keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q .. How to 你 keep a blonde busy all day?
A .. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q .. What do 你 do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A .. Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
A .. Knock on the door.
Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?
A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A .. A blonde parade.
Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?
A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q .. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.
A .. Third grade.
Q .. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A .. 你 keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q .. How to 你 keep a blonde busy all day?
A .. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q .. What do 你 do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A .. Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Things to do when bored.
1 call all of your contacts on your phone
2 walk around your neighborhood and everytime 你 see someon say a compleatly 随意 word like tacos
3 fake play a video game to annoy someone don't forget sound effects
4 dance to every song on the radio
5 walk around a public place with your pants pulled up like a nerd
6 hang out with old friends
7 have a 茶 party like 你 did when 你 were little
8 write your name n a piece of paper over and over
9 play ding dong ditch
10 act. Like your alseep on a chair in public and scare everyone who comes 由 except old people
评论 and I will make more
1 call all of your contacts on your phone
2 walk around your neighborhood and everytime 你 see someon say a compleatly 随意 word like tacos
3 fake play a video game to annoy someone don't forget sound effects
4 dance to every song on the radio
5 walk around a public place with your pants pulled up like a nerd
6 hang out with old friends
7 have a 茶 party like 你 did when 你 were little
8 write your name n a piece of paper over and over
9 play ding dong ditch
10 act. Like your alseep on a chair in public and scare everyone who comes 由 except old people
评论 and I will make more
I owe a lot of thanks to the wonderful people of this website. I've learned a lot from all of 你 and have changed a lot as a person.
I used to not value friendship that much. I was born with autism so I tried to avoid having friends. I was cool with being 由 my own, but a former 潮流粉丝俱乐部 member, named Harleenquinzel5 (Lola), became my first true friend on here. Her kindness and supportive nature made me care about friendship.
Since then, I've met several 更多 wonderful people who have become close 老友记 of mine.
Thank 你 my friends. Your messages, comments, props, images, etc. give me tons of sunshine and make me appreciate my life even more.
Thank 你 for giving me the magic of friendship. You're amazing 老友记 that make 潮流粉丝俱乐部 a great place!
I used to not value friendship that much. I was born with autism so I tried to avoid having friends. I was cool with being 由 my own, but a former 潮流粉丝俱乐部 member, named Harleenquinzel5 (Lola), became my first true friend on here. Her kindness and supportive nature made me care about friendship.
Since then, I've met several 更多 wonderful people who have become close 老友记 of mine.
Thank 你 my friends. Your messages, comments, props, images, etc. give me tons of sunshine and make me appreciate my life even more.
Thank 你 for giving me the magic of friendship. You're amazing 老友记 that make 潮流粉丝俱乐部 a great place!
