I hear keys jingling in the door, warning me that Penelope has arrived 首页 and I have to talk to her. I’m actually looking 前锋, 期待 to it, because keeping inside all these feelings is extremely exhausting.
“Hey, Honey, I’m home!” – She says smirking and I stand there dumbfounded. “Ummm, sorry, I always wanted to try it out, 你 know, to know how it feels”. – a wink in my direction says it all.
“Reeeaally funny Garcia! Now get your 屁股 over here and give me my vanilla bomb right now!” – I order her and she strangely obeys. I’m good when I’m bossy.
“As 你 wish, my Lady! And now I get to hear the full story, right? 你 know, I had to 取消 my ‘date’ with Derek so it should better be good!” – She teases me and I 爱情 her for that.
“Okay, okay, comfy couch, ice cream, French fries, lovely Penelope…all check. I might just start as well.” – joking around is necessary for me because otherwise I would never start talking so I take a big sigh and I begin.
“I’ve never meant to do this. To leave a man who is in 爱情 with me, whose child is under my heart, who would do anything for me because he is just like that. I’ve never meant to lie to him for the first time when I told him that I want 更多 than just a fling. I didn’t know what I wanted at that time and I just went with the flow. I was careless, I think I just didn’t want to deal with my feelings. And I ended up 接吻 him, being with him and finally getting pregnant 由 him. I wanted to believe that I could start a new life with him in New Orleans. I so wanted to believe that it could work out but I think all I had to do was to notice the signs. Because they were everywhere! The signs that clearly showed that it wouldn’t work. Like why I have never 给 up my apartment here, in D.C.? Why I felt like I should be happy but I wasn’t really?
I was content, yes, settled even but something was missing. 你 know, when 你 know that something is just not right and 你 try so hard to figure it out and 你 just can’t, so 你 go on with your everyday life until it hits you. It hits 你 that 你 are not happy because 你 don’t 爱情 him. 你 can’t be in New Orleans because it’s not your 首页 and 你 could never call it a home. 你 can’t abandon your friends, your job which was your life. And 你 realize that if 你 would be with the right person all of these things wouldn’t matter. But he is not the right one. And 你 start to go crazy about these facts, every moment in every 日 你 try to figure out what to do next. 或者 if 你 should do anything about it at all because he is there, loving you, both of you, building a 首页 for 你 and he is so harmless, easy that it seems 你 can’t break his heart.
But 你 have to think about your happiness as well, your happiness of your child, and 你 know that your family would never be a whole, loving one. So 你 have to be selfish, 你 have to do what’s best for you, even if it means another person is getting hurt. Because 你 can’t sacrifice yourself, 你 just can’t. Your life is too precious to waste it…so suddenly 你 find yourself going back to your old life and it fills 你 with so much relief that 你 feel remorse about what you’ve done but at the same time 你 know 你 did the right thing and 你 are crushing.”
I can understand Garcia’s blank face because I would look the same if someone would pour her 心 out like that in three minutes. I wonder if I have to snap my fingers just to bring her back.,,I will wait one 更多 minute…
“I…JJ, 你 never told me these things, these feelings. Why didn’t 你 tell me? I could have been there for you. I, uh, I didn’t know…”
“I know, I’ve messed up big time. I wanted to talk about this but I was…afraid…because if I tell 你 all of these…it would have been suddenly…real. And I just couldn’t deal with that, not then…” – and I mean all of these things and it really feels like a big stone has just dropped from my heart, although I can not get past the 苦 feeling that I’m not telling Penelope the entire story….the story which is about a certain brunette and my mixed feelings for her…but I tell myself that one step at a time is enough for now.
“Oh, Sweety, come here! Everything will be alright! It will be just fine!” – now I’m shaking uncontrollably, but my friend is quickly taking me into a crushing hug which soothes me a bit and after a few moments, only quiet sobs can be heard.
Maybe I’m going to be okay.
————————————
I spent the rest of the Saturday at Garcia’s and then talked through the night with Will about our not working relationship. I told him what I earlier confessed to the computer wizard as well and made my point about not going back, in return, he 说 that he needs time to process all this and promised me that he would not ever give me up. Just what I need right now…
Anyway, I realize that eventually I have to go back to my apartment because even if it’s great to be with Penelope, she has her own life and I have mine. So on Sunday morning I say my goodbye – with lots of promises that I will call her if I need someone to talk to 或者 just hang out – and start the car which led me to my condo.
Now, as I’m standing in my abandoned home, I can’t shake off the terrifying feeling about the future, about dealing with my pregnancy alone and being strong enough for everything that life could through in my direction. The world is suddenly spinning with me, the 前一个 confidence at Garcia’s is gone, I’m panicking and I don’t know how I should continue my life…but something snaps in and I know I can’t give up. I have one very strong reason why I should hold on and keep going, and this reason is painfully active again: my growing child.
————————————
The 下一个 日 I went out shopping for the house and myself, I seriously needed some new clothes – left most of my outfits in New Orleans – and the apartment required some well deserved decoration as well. Bunch of food, magazines, DVDs and I was all set to go home. Fortunately, I decided that I would keep my flat – just in case something happens and look how clever I was… – I left everything in one place so now the condo gives the impression of being a cozy 首页 instead of what it looked like just a few hours earlier. After sending a quick text message to Garcia that I’ve settled in, I’m ready to relax on my 长椅, 沙发 for the night.
I must have dozed off because the 下一个 thing I remember is the sound of a knocking. Wait, knocking? Who could that be at this late hour? Penelope didn’t say anything about visiting me and nobody knows I’m back except Will and Emily.
I look into the peephole and I let out a small sigh, relieved: Prentiss is standing in front of the door, take out in her hands.
“Hey JJ” – She says with a beaming smile and I grin back at her. “I know it’s late, was just heading 首页 from work, and Garcia mentioned earlier today, that 你 moved back to your apartment. I pondered on what I should do and decided to check on you, see if everything is okay and bring 你 your favourite Chinese 食物 as a ‘welcome back’ meal. Uh, now I see 你 are okay, that’s all I wanted to know, so I will just go and wish 你 a great…”
She is rambling. She is cute when she’s rambling and I must say I’m a bit worried that she told me all of this with only one breath. I have to say something otherwise she will be in trouble soon.
“Emily, hey, slow down! Why don’t 你 come in for a bit? I hope the 食物 is enough for both of us because I’m sure as hell I won’t eat alone!” – I say with a soft chuckling and 亚瑟小子 her in. Once we are inside we make ourselves comfortable on the 长椅, 沙发 and start eating and making small talk. I didn’t realize until now how hungry I was and, according to how fast she eats, I assume she skipped lunch today.
My baby is warning me about his existence again, kicking constantly and a pesky look must have appeared on my face because I hear her asking:
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
“No, just baby boy thinks my belly is a football ball right now, has been vividly kicking for a few minutes…here, feel it.” – so without thinking I grab her hand and I take it on my stomach. In the process she needs to 移动 closer and lean in a bit and that’s the exact moment when everything stops and we just stare at each other. Tension fills the room and I don’t know what’s happening, all I feel is the warmth of her hand and the beautiful brown eyes locking with mine, and all the sudden I’m thirsty like I haven’t drunk for days.
I’m 《家有仙妻》 由 her intense look in which I see so much caring and…what is it? Pain and regret? The need to comfort her, touch her is unbearable so I lift my right hand to brush her hair behind her ear, then travel my fingers slowly down along her body, first to her shoulder, then to her arm and in the end, capturing her hand in mine, intertwining them, holding them dearly. It feels right, so right that I’m 迷失 in the feeling and I don’t want this to end but I hear Emily’s annoying phone buzzing. As she reaches for her cell we 移动 apart, lose all connection and I immediately miss the contact.
“Prentiss…yeah, it’s on your desk. No, I think it can wait till tomorrow….yeah, yeah, ‘night to 你 too and see 你 tomorrow.” – She ends the call and starts to stand up. Unconsciously I mimic her movements.
“It’s….I should be going, 你 need your rest and tomorrow will be a long 日 for me. Thanks for the 晚餐 and the invitation.” – We are almost at the door when I stop her 由 her wrist. I have to know what just happened.
“Hey, is everything alright?”
“Y-y-es, just 迷失 track of time. I….this was nice, really. I hope baby boy will let 你 sleep tonight.”
“Are we….okay?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t we be?” – She 答案 as she lets out a big breath with it. I can see in her eyes that she felt it as well, at that moment, whatever that ‘it’ means. And she can’t wait to be out of that door, to be somewhere else, rushing away from me. It hurts and I don’t know why I want her to stay. However, I respect her that much that I give her the 太空 she needs.
“Uh, okay then, have a 安全 way home. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight! Will talk!” – and with that she is gone.
I stand in the doorway for several moments after our retreat with a blank face wondering: what the fuck was that???
“Hey, Honey, I’m home!” – She says smirking and I stand there dumbfounded. “Ummm, sorry, I always wanted to try it out, 你 know, to know how it feels”. – a wink in my direction says it all.
“Reeeaally funny Garcia! Now get your 屁股 over here and give me my vanilla bomb right now!” – I order her and she strangely obeys. I’m good when I’m bossy.
“As 你 wish, my Lady! And now I get to hear the full story, right? 你 know, I had to 取消 my ‘date’ with Derek so it should better be good!” – She teases me and I 爱情 her for that.
“Okay, okay, comfy couch, ice cream, French fries, lovely Penelope…all check. I might just start as well.” – joking around is necessary for me because otherwise I would never start talking so I take a big sigh and I begin.
“I’ve never meant to do this. To leave a man who is in 爱情 with me, whose child is under my heart, who would do anything for me because he is just like that. I’ve never meant to lie to him for the first time when I told him that I want 更多 than just a fling. I didn’t know what I wanted at that time and I just went with the flow. I was careless, I think I just didn’t want to deal with my feelings. And I ended up 接吻 him, being with him and finally getting pregnant 由 him. I wanted to believe that I could start a new life with him in New Orleans. I so wanted to believe that it could work out but I think all I had to do was to notice the signs. Because they were everywhere! The signs that clearly showed that it wouldn’t work. Like why I have never 给 up my apartment here, in D.C.? Why I felt like I should be happy but I wasn’t really?
I was content, yes, settled even but something was missing. 你 know, when 你 know that something is just not right and 你 try so hard to figure it out and 你 just can’t, so 你 go on with your everyday life until it hits you. It hits 你 that 你 are not happy because 你 don’t 爱情 him. 你 can’t be in New Orleans because it’s not your 首页 and 你 could never call it a home. 你 can’t abandon your friends, your job which was your life. And 你 realize that if 你 would be with the right person all of these things wouldn’t matter. But he is not the right one. And 你 start to go crazy about these facts, every moment in every 日 你 try to figure out what to do next. 或者 if 你 should do anything about it at all because he is there, loving you, both of you, building a 首页 for 你 and he is so harmless, easy that it seems 你 can’t break his heart.
But 你 have to think about your happiness as well, your happiness of your child, and 你 know that your family would never be a whole, loving one. So 你 have to be selfish, 你 have to do what’s best for you, even if it means another person is getting hurt. Because 你 can’t sacrifice yourself, 你 just can’t. Your life is too precious to waste it…so suddenly 你 find yourself going back to your old life and it fills 你 with so much relief that 你 feel remorse about what you’ve done but at the same time 你 know 你 did the right thing and 你 are crushing.”
I can understand Garcia’s blank face because I would look the same if someone would pour her 心 out like that in three minutes. I wonder if I have to snap my fingers just to bring her back.,,I will wait one 更多 minute…
“I…JJ, 你 never told me these things, these feelings. Why didn’t 你 tell me? I could have been there for you. I, uh, I didn’t know…”
“I know, I’ve messed up big time. I wanted to talk about this but I was…afraid…because if I tell 你 all of these…it would have been suddenly…real. And I just couldn’t deal with that, not then…” – and I mean all of these things and it really feels like a big stone has just dropped from my heart, although I can not get past the 苦 feeling that I’m not telling Penelope the entire story….the story which is about a certain brunette and my mixed feelings for her…but I tell myself that one step at a time is enough for now.
“Oh, Sweety, come here! Everything will be alright! It will be just fine!” – now I’m shaking uncontrollably, but my friend is quickly taking me into a crushing hug which soothes me a bit and after a few moments, only quiet sobs can be heard.
Maybe I’m going to be okay.
————————————
I spent the rest of the Saturday at Garcia’s and then talked through the night with Will about our not working relationship. I told him what I earlier confessed to the computer wizard as well and made my point about not going back, in return, he 说 that he needs time to process all this and promised me that he would not ever give me up. Just what I need right now…
Anyway, I realize that eventually I have to go back to my apartment because even if it’s great to be with Penelope, she has her own life and I have mine. So on Sunday morning I say my goodbye – with lots of promises that I will call her if I need someone to talk to 或者 just hang out – and start the car which led me to my condo.
Now, as I’m standing in my abandoned home, I can’t shake off the terrifying feeling about the future, about dealing with my pregnancy alone and being strong enough for everything that life could through in my direction. The world is suddenly spinning with me, the 前一个 confidence at Garcia’s is gone, I’m panicking and I don’t know how I should continue my life…but something snaps in and I know I can’t give up. I have one very strong reason why I should hold on and keep going, and this reason is painfully active again: my growing child.
————————————
The 下一个 日 I went out shopping for the house and myself, I seriously needed some new clothes – left most of my outfits in New Orleans – and the apartment required some well deserved decoration as well. Bunch of food, magazines, DVDs and I was all set to go home. Fortunately, I decided that I would keep my flat – just in case something happens and look how clever I was… – I left everything in one place so now the condo gives the impression of being a cozy 首页 instead of what it looked like just a few hours earlier. After sending a quick text message to Garcia that I’ve settled in, I’m ready to relax on my 长椅, 沙发 for the night.
I must have dozed off because the 下一个 thing I remember is the sound of a knocking. Wait, knocking? Who could that be at this late hour? Penelope didn’t say anything about visiting me and nobody knows I’m back except Will and Emily.
I look into the peephole and I let out a small sigh, relieved: Prentiss is standing in front of the door, take out in her hands.
“Hey JJ” – She says with a beaming smile and I grin back at her. “I know it’s late, was just heading 首页 from work, and Garcia mentioned earlier today, that 你 moved back to your apartment. I pondered on what I should do and decided to check on you, see if everything is okay and bring 你 your favourite Chinese 食物 as a ‘welcome back’ meal. Uh, now I see 你 are okay, that’s all I wanted to know, so I will just go and wish 你 a great…”
She is rambling. She is cute when she’s rambling and I must say I’m a bit worried that she told me all of this with only one breath. I have to say something otherwise she will be in trouble soon.
“Emily, hey, slow down! Why don’t 你 come in for a bit? I hope the 食物 is enough for both of us because I’m sure as hell I won’t eat alone!” – I say with a soft chuckling and 亚瑟小子 her in. Once we are inside we make ourselves comfortable on the 长椅, 沙发 and start eating and making small talk. I didn’t realize until now how hungry I was and, according to how fast she eats, I assume she skipped lunch today.
My baby is warning me about his existence again, kicking constantly and a pesky look must have appeared on my face because I hear her asking:
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
“No, just baby boy thinks my belly is a football ball right now, has been vividly kicking for a few minutes…here, feel it.” – so without thinking I grab her hand and I take it on my stomach. In the process she needs to 移动 closer and lean in a bit and that’s the exact moment when everything stops and we just stare at each other. Tension fills the room and I don’t know what’s happening, all I feel is the warmth of her hand and the beautiful brown eyes locking with mine, and all the sudden I’m thirsty like I haven’t drunk for days.
I’m 《家有仙妻》 由 her intense look in which I see so much caring and…what is it? Pain and regret? The need to comfort her, touch her is unbearable so I lift my right hand to brush her hair behind her ear, then travel my fingers slowly down along her body, first to her shoulder, then to her arm and in the end, capturing her hand in mine, intertwining them, holding them dearly. It feels right, so right that I’m 迷失 in the feeling and I don’t want this to end but I hear Emily’s annoying phone buzzing. As she reaches for her cell we 移动 apart, lose all connection and I immediately miss the contact.
“Prentiss…yeah, it’s on your desk. No, I think it can wait till tomorrow….yeah, yeah, ‘night to 你 too and see 你 tomorrow.” – She ends the call and starts to stand up. Unconsciously I mimic her movements.
“It’s….I should be going, 你 need your rest and tomorrow will be a long 日 for me. Thanks for the 晚餐 and the invitation.” – We are almost at the door when I stop her 由 her wrist. I have to know what just happened.
“Hey, is everything alright?”
“Y-y-es, just 迷失 track of time. I….this was nice, really. I hope baby boy will let 你 sleep tonight.”
“Are we….okay?”
“Sure, why wouldn’t we be?” – She 答案 as she lets out a big breath with it. I can see in her eyes that she felt it as well, at that moment, whatever that ‘it’ means. And she can’t wait to be out of that door, to be somewhere else, rushing away from me. It hurts and I don’t know why I want her to stay. However, I respect her that much that I give her the 太空 she needs.
“Uh, okay then, have a 安全 way home. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight! Will talk!” – and with that she is gone.
I stand in the doorway for several moments after our retreat with a blank face wondering: what the fuck was that???