DAWN Happy 圣诞节 :)

There was a little "incident" at your house today while 你 were gone. Please allow me to explain: I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen. The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran into the 厨房 and checked everything out. 由 the time I got to the kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.

I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute. I knew that the type of smoke detector that 你 have is the type that took a few 分钟 to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about 10 minutes...

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, 你 better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, 或者 cottage cheese.
I don't 婊子, 子 to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east 或者 west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 分钟 max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and
when 你 ask why get all 苦 and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so...

1. Your house plants are alive, and 你 can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin 床, 床上 is out of the question.

3. 你 keep 更多 食物 than 啤酒 in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when 你 get up, not when 你 go to bed.

5. 你 hear your 最喜爱的 song on an elevator.

6. 你 watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your 老友记 marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. 你 go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids 下一个 door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel...

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

Everyone 你 meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that 你 wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends 你 mail from Iowa asking why 你 never write.

Every time 你 see a 街, 街道 sign, 你 have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because 你 heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your 下一个 door neighbour for setting 火, 消防 to his...

A woman writes to a magazine asking how she will know if he truly loves her...

"Well... Here's how I see it. When a man is "taken with you"- 你 will know. Sometimes the words, "I 爱情 you" aren't always enough. As women, we like to see words put into action... Here are some ways that 你 can tell if he means what he says..."

-He pretends to like your cat 由 no longer drop-kicking Fluffy down a flight of stairs when you're not looking.

-When 你 come over to visit, they start picking up -- they shove underwear under their beds, (theirs and other women's) they 移动 the 花花公子 centerfold to a...

Many romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In French, for example, this determines whether 你 use "la" 或者 "le" in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male 或者 female, here are a few of our recommendations...

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

HOT AIR...

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He 迷失 the 衬衫 off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the 秒 half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If 你 don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"...

These days, 安全 sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help 你 "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores...

Every woman knows that there are days in the 月 when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker 或者 significant other! Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help 你 with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would 你 like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are 你 wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, 你 sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine....

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy 圣诞节 Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along...

YES, THIS TAKES A FEW 分钟 TO READ, BUT IT IS FUNNY!

If 你 can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying 由 the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If 你 pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of 你 who have lived in Texas, 你 know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time 万圣节前夕 comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an Inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting from...