posted by LoveLiesAndLust
I no longer know who I am anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel so...lost. I feel like I'm drowning - drowning in my own emotions. In my own feelings. I'm giving into temptation. In my mind, it's in slow motion. I see myself sitting on the bathroom floor, kneeling in front of the toilet, sticking my index finger down my throat, causing myself to gag and throw up. Then there was him. The last person I thought would be here for me, to comfort me and hold me, and tell me "everything's alright." Chuck. Chuck Bass. Chuck fucking Bass, the notorious womanizing bad boy of the UES. Who knew that he would be the closest thing to my 'knight in shining armor'? Not me. I always thought it would be Nate. I always thought Nate was 'prince charming'. I always thought he was a gentleman. I always thought...he loved me back. But when I think back, back to when Serena was still here, back when Chuck, Nate, Serena, and I were 老友记 - a foursome, just trying to have fun - I see Nate's eyes looking and glancing at Serena. At her perfect golden locks of hair, at her perfect tan, at her perfect body. I would never be Serena. I will never be a Serena. I'm ugly; I'm fat. I'm not skinny like Serena. I'm not as beautiful as Serena. My mother will never 爱情 me as much as Serena. Nate will never 爱情 me as much as Serena. Noone will ever look at me like guys do at Serena. Noone will ever 爱情 me as much as they do Serena. Not one person.
Blair closed her diary and put it in her drawer. She'd 迷失 10 pounds in the last 月 and nate still didn't notice; he still didn't pay attention to her. He was too busy with sports and school, and probably 白日梦 about Serena. She sighed. The only one who noticed how skinny she'd become was Chuck, who was constantly staring and glancing at her, his eyes filled with worry and concern.
"Miss Blair, Mr. Chuck here for you!" she could hear Dorota yell from downstairs. She took a last look in the mirror to make sure she looked okay, then grabbed her 钱包 and hurried downstairs.
"You look lovely tonight," Chuck greeted her with his infamous smirk.
She blushed. "Thanks. Where's Nate?"
"He 说 he'd meet us there; he had something to 'take care of', whatever the hell that means."
Blair nodded in understandment. She was a little dissapointed that Nate hadn't come with Chuck to pick her up, but then again, she was used to it; she and Nate had become distant lately.
"You ready to go?"
She nodded once more. "Yeah."
When they arrived at the party, everyone from both St. Jude's and Constance Billard had showed up. Everyone had been invited. It was to celebrate the beginning of a new year. And of course, Gossip Girl had found out and 发布 it on her blog.
Chuck stepped out of the limo first, then helped Blair out.
Nate had arrived only a few 分钟 earlier and waited for them 由 the front door of the Palace. Blair couldn't tell how he was feeling; his eyes were blank, emotionless. His face shwoed no emotion either. But he seemed...nervous. His left hand was in his pocket while his right held a bottle of beer. "We need to talk," was all he could say when Chuck and Blair got closer.
Chuck knew this was his cue to leave. "I'll let 你 two...talk."
Nate waited for his best friend to leave before speaking once more. "Why don't we go upstairs? To the suite Chuck got us."
"Nate, if 你 need to tell me something, 你 can tell me here," Blair stated, starting to worry that he was trying to break up with her.
"Blair, please. Just trust me." For just a second, his eyes were dark, lost; he seem...ashamed.
She nodded and let him take her into the elevator, up to the suite.
Once they stepped into the suite, Blair started to get impatient. "Now, what did 你 want to tell me that was so important we had to come up here?"
Nate looked down at his feet, avoiding eye contact with her. "It's about Serena."
Blair froze at her name. What the fuck did Serena have to do with this? "What about Serena?" she asked flatly.
He paused, trying to find the right words. There was a short silence and then, "I know why she left."
She gasped. "What did 你 just say?"
"I know why she left, Blair...It was...It was because of me." He looked down at the ground once more.
"Nate, what the hell are 你 talking about?!" Tears started to well in Blair's eyes. Her best friend left her just like that. No goodbye, no nothing. She didn't even know why Serena left. How the fuck did Nate know? "Do 你 know something I don't know? What aren't 你 telling me?" 更多 and 更多 问题 started to fill her head.
Nate gulped. Oh, God, he thought. He took a deep breath. Tell her, damn it. Tell her. Tell her what 你 did. Just do it! "I 迷失 my virginity to her."
"What?" Her voice cracked a little, and now tears started to pour down her cheeks.
"The Shephard wedding...We were drunk, Blair. Wasted. It just happened all so fast. One minute, she was dancing on 最佳, 返回页首 of the bar, the next, she was on 最佳, 返回页首 of me-"
Blair shook her head. "No. You're lying," she said, 更多 to herself, than to him. "You're lying," she 说 once more.
"I'm so sorry, Blair-"
She cut him off. "You waited two and a half years to tell me this?!" She was angry - pissed, actually. She was hurt, she felt betrayed. "Get out," she managed to choke out.
"Blair, please," he tried once more.
Just then the door to the suite opened and Chuck walked in.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't know 你 two were up here."
He was about to leave, until he heard Blair say, "Actually, we're done here. Aren't we, Nate?"
Nate looked up at her, tears starting to burn at the corners of his own eyes.
Chuck looked back and forth between Nate and Blair. He was about to ask what was going on, but then he caught a glimpse of his best friend's eyes. Guilt filled them, along with shame. He immediately knew. The Shephard wedding. It had to be.
Nate was about to leave, until Blair closed her eyes, and fell back onto the floor.
"Blair!" both Nate and Chuck cried in unison. They both quickly rushed to her still form. Chuck tried to feel her pulse.
"Call 911," Chuck instructed. And Nate obeyed, trying to explain to the female on the other line what happened as best as he could. When he hung up, Chuck had started to perform CPR on Blair.
"Uh...they...they 说 they'd be here soon," Nate stuttered, his main focus on Blair.
Chuck looked up only for a 秒 and nodded, then continued performing CPR on her, praying that she'd be alright.
A/N: Holy cow! I haven't updated anything in over a month! What a terrible updater! Shame on me! :P
Anyways, I promise to update 更多 of my fics tomorrow and this week, hehe. And I promise to update 更多 often, ahaha. It's just been kinda crazy lately with school, and homework, and just a bunch of other stuff. But now, I've found time to be on my laptop (which is like, pretty much everyday) so I promise about the updates. ;)