I'm done with my life.
link
(Also, there is some profanity in this series, so if 你 can't take cussing, 或者 disgusting sex in these god-awful 粉丝 fictions, please leave now.)
你 have got to be kidding me. I'm not even joking, 你 have GOT to be FREAKING KIDDING ME. How do people come up with this, how do people even THINK that 写作 A F**KING SQUIDWARD X SPONGEBOB 粉丝 FICTION WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
And why is porn done wrong so many times? I mean, ALL 你 have to do is at least TRY to make it funny, make no grammar errors, and VOILA! But no, people keep s**ting out crap like this.
Today, I take on what I think is the grossest 粉丝 fiction I've ever seen.
...
NO PLEASE GOD! LET ME LIVE, PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE, I AM BEGGING YOU, I'M ON MY KNEES, DON'T DO THIS TO MY FRAGILE SOUL!
*Sigh* Fine, for the sake of doing my job, warning people about bad 粉丝 fictions, I'll review this.
Now, I have to admit something. I had to take a break when 阅读 this story, I almost retched, I am serious. Hell, I feel so sick right now....
Another thing, I never actually vomited when 阅读 Faker, heck, I felt fine the whole way through, but do 你 want to know what I actually had to do?
I had to see the urgent care, I told them about this story and my stomach really hurt.
I'll say that again, A 粉丝 FICTION PHYSICALLY HURT ME, I AM NOT JOKING AT ALL.
And 你 know what? This was going to be a special planned collaboration with one of my school friends, but I had to stay home.
And guess what it's rated? M for Mature.
OOOOHHHHH SSSHHHIIITTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh boy, I'm doing it again. I'm sorry guys, I'm stalling, but enough bulls**t, I am ripping apart the most disgusting 粉丝 fiction I've ever seen....
It's time to look at, Hot Nights at the Krusty Krab, 由 Cheeze18.
"Spongebob and Squidward were bored."
Only porn 粉丝 fictions can pull off making this sound as intimidating as possible X__O
"They were forced to work there, again, for 24 hours."
Well hey! This guy sort of knows his grammar, and he made a reference to the show!
Unfortunately, those are the only positive things I can say about this shitty short story....
"Spongebob was mopping the green wooden floors, while Squidward was 阅读 a purple book, with a secret magazine hidden behind the book."
THE PURPLE BOOK IS A LIE!
Seriously though, we know the magazine is just porn, and he 说 it was behind the purple book, so....
Squidward is 阅读 the boring book? NOT EVEN THE PORN ITSELF MAKES SENSE!
"Squidward was horny, with his squid penis hard."
What the hell are these people doing with their lives? They could be finding a beautiful boy/girlfriend, they could be hanging out with friends, they could be getting a job, hanging out with their dog, making YouTube videos, eating, etc.
But of ALL THINGS, his mind decides to go Rule 34 on him and s/he makes a porn 粉丝 fiction.
About fucking Spongebob.
"He was rubbing himself, but he was not staring at the pages."
2 Things.
1: Was not = Wasn't. IT'S 秒 GRADE DUDE!
2: Again, USE BETTER VOCABULARY! Really? Rubbing himself?
This is the only 粉丝 fiction I know when it doesn't even get the porn right.
Actually, scratch that, FOR THE 爱情 OF GOD DON'T USE BETTER VOCABULARY! O_____O
"He was staring at Spongebob."
Oh boy. Oh FUCKING boy....
"For about two months now, he and Spongebob have been in a relationship."
Ruining my childhood right off the bat? Alright, that's already -5,000 points!
This start was even better than Faker! ^___^
"They've kissed, and dry humped, but not sex."
FORESHADOWING. O_______O
"Yet. Squidward wanted to, so bad."
1. Why does the word yet have a period after it?
2. Can 你 please STOP DESTROYING MY SOUL!? >.<
"He felt like he was pressuring Spongebob to do it, but he had no problem."
Yeah, this is every porn 粉丝 fiction in a nutshell.
STEP ONE: Somewhat boring dialogue with some childhood crushing material here and there.
STEP TWO: That one, "OH NO X___X" Moment.
STEP THREE: Sex. -___-
"Spongebob turned around, and showed his square butt."
What the f@%k is this person doing with their life? Does s/he really think they're going to turn anyone on with this S&#T!?
Ugh, I am so sick of this.
"Squidward felt a throb. He was about to cum."
And no comma because WHY NOT? :D
"Panting, he lifted himself up, and watched Spongebob."
It's near impossible to stay neutral while 阅读 this, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE, WHEN, WHY DID THEY THINK THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!?!?
Time to bring out my napalm flamethrower. >:(
"He said, 嘿 Spongebob? Spongebob turned, smiling."
DON'T TRUST THE EVIL SMILE! X___X
"Yes?"
Yep, boring dialogue, quite literally, out the ass.
Yeah, this is why it takes so long to make these episodes, these 粉丝 fictions ARE SO BORING!
I mean, I know 你 pretty much HAVE to put in some everyday dialogue BUT CAN 你 AT LEAST TRY to be entertaining?
Time to charge the napalm flamethrower. >:(
"Um, I want to do something with you. Is that okay?"
FUCK NO!!! NOT EVEN CENSORING IT, FUCK NO!!!!!!!
"Squidward asked, Spongebob's face was all confused."
That's the reason these are so tiring to read. I read this story TWICE before reviewing this and NOT ONCE did I see any attempts at comedy to make this even remotely interesting to read.
It's like if 你 had to read those Harry Potter books.
IN THE FIRST GRADE.
"Like what? That.. sex thing. we have been talking about."
We have = We've. Once again, 秒 GRADE!!!!!
"Sex? Oh yeah."
OH YEAAAAH, SEX! HOW COULD I FORGET? :D YEAH, THAT THING! I REMEMBER NOW!
Yeah, like Faker, this story is bastardizing innocent characters from my childhood.
Also, strangely enough, bastardizing is a word. o__O
Not even kidding, Google's Auto-Correct just left it like that.
哈哈 :D
"So?"
"So What?"
"Did you...want to...try it?"
Can 你 try... TALKING FASTER? WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO BORING! >.<
On 秒 thought, for the 爱情 of god, STALL STALL STALL. O__O
"What, here?"
"Sure."
ARE 你 SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE SURE? ^____^
*Sigh* What the fuck is wrong with these people?
"I don't know..Spongebob looked down at the floor."
"Squidward walked over to the sponge and draped an arm over his shoulders. He smiled."
UHHH......WITH MENTOS FRESHEN UP YOUR LIFE? ^___^
Damn it, unlike Television, commercials can't stop me here.
CURSE 你 DINKLEBERG!!!!!
"Why don't we try it? He suggested, slipping a tentacle under south, under Spongebob's pants and grabbing his limp d**k"
ALL NEW SPICY MCGRIDDLE ONLY $3.99! ^___^ ONLY AT MCDONALDS!
Fuck, where are the advertisements when 你 need them?
Well if 潮流粉丝俱乐部 won't add them for me, then I will!
And please watch these too. Not only did I find some really funny ones, but LORD KNOWS 你 probably need a break too.
Plus, it makes me unique from other reviewers. :D
So yeah, here 你 go!
link
AAAAND WE'RE BACK! ^___^
Better aim my napalm flamethrower. >:(
But remember guys, Mentos, the fresh-maker! :D
"He rubbed it to life."
What. The. FUCK!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
"Spongebob moaned."
(Must...not....spam...advertisements.....)
"Squidward continued to rub at and grab at Spongebob's balls to get him hot."
This is 更多 disturbing then Faker...
Achievement unlocked Cheeze18! CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. >:(
(How do 你 like the new running gag? ^__^)
"It dd make him hot, and Spongebob saw Squidward's erection for the first time that night."
ABOUT TO PUSH THE 火, 消防 BUTTON ON THE NAPALM FLAMETHROWER! >:(
"He kneeled down and took the light-blue co** n his mouth."
你 know what's a huge shame guys? I just randomly find these. Yeah, I don't type in, "Worst Spongebob 粉丝 Fictions Ever" in Google, I just read the first result on the page.
Again, society fucking sucks nowadays.
"Spongebob sucked and licked and rubbed while he worked at his own hard on."
Same problem Sonic and Tails and Knuckles Go Fishing had, FUCK COMMAS! ^___^
"Spongebob was 更多 hot, though, as he felt his d*** felt up with his seed."
Now the 作者 has a comma fetish. JUST FANTASTIC.
"He moaned and went faster. He then took it deep in his mouth and deep throated."
I am praying to god right now that the 作者 wasn't aroused when making this. o___O
If he did, then he was successfully been even 更多 of a demented satanic pervert then the 作者 of The Pokemon Story.
Two achievements unlocked, YOU'RE ON A WINNING STREAK CHEEZE18! ^__^
"Spongebob conjured up 更多 saliva and sucked faster."
We all know what's about to happen... *Gags*
TrueBlueTeam: Yeah, the white stuff! ^___^
Me: link
(Replace Lazer with napalm flamethrower. :D)
(And according to 谷歌 Auto-Correct, Lazer, no matter how 你 spell it, isn't a word.)
(Fuck logic.)
"Squidward moaned and held the back of Spongebob's head. His own ejaculate rose back up into the main tube."
Starting to miss when Faker called it white stuff. o-O
"He was gonna cum."
And apparently, 谷歌 Auto-Correct thinks gonna is a word.
In the words of TheUncleChairman: Indeed, logic has escaped out the window.
"Squidward held on for his life."
Haha.....AHHAHAHAAHAH!!!! What is this, Mission Impossible, The Sex Edition?
That was the funniest part of this whole 粉丝 fiction. ^__^
Sadly though, it wasn't INTENDED to be a joke, just bad vocabulary.
AW COME ON! :(
"It was gonna be a big one!"
你 have got to be fucking kidding me.
"Even bigger than when he and Spongebob dry humped and rubbed each other's d***s."
Even 更多 bonus points for bastardizing a character as much as possible!
EXTREME FEVER!!!! ^__________^ (You never played Peggle, have you?)
"Squidward scrunched up his face and gritted his teeth."
This is the most awkward sex scene I've ever read in a 粉丝 fiction. I mean, this isn't just sex, this is like a freaking action movie!
Damn, it sounds like the fucking Matrix!
Matrix Script: Neo gritted his teeth as he shot Agent Smith, and with perfect accuracy, the bullet took him down. Agent Smith's scrunched up face haunted Neo forever after that day, as well as the dead bodies of the Sentinels.
WOW, what a coincidence...... o___O
Not even making a conspiracy joke, that was weird....
HOT NIGHTS AT THE KRUSTY KRAB! INCLUDES PORN, 24 小时 NIGHT SHIFTS, BORING DIALOGUE, AND THE FUCKING MATRIX! ^___^
"His face was becoming beet red."
Again, the dialogue in this story is horrible, they just compared Squidward's face to a beet.
Wow, there's some real clutch vocabulary in here! :D
"Oh...oh..here it comes! he moaned."
Like a one 年 old without their 牛奶 bottle.
"Spongebob went slower, and still suckled."
I'll tell 你 one thing, the 作者 Cheeze18 can suck on fucking glass.
"He moaned himself, apparently at his own limit. He went at a slow pace and then pulled the d*** out."
Can 你 please fucking ejaculate so I can go 首页 and get some lunch? It's already 4:12, and my 老友记 are waiting for me! Jeez, the Superbowl doesn't last forever, 你 know!
"He took it with one yellow hand..."
NO SHIT SHERLOCK, SPONGEBOB HAS YELLOW HANDS, WE ALL FUCKING KNOW THAT!
This is worse than, *Sonic the hedgehog was a hedgehog.*
"And rubbed, nice and slow. This made Squidward groan and made his body heat up another five 或者 ten degrees."
Mr. Krabs: DON'T TOUCH ME THERMOSTAT! ^___^
Damn, why did 你 have to ruin Spongebob for me, Cheeze18?
Fucking Rule 34.
"He rolled his eyes back as a final stroke set him off. Hot squid spunk shot up into the air, and landed on the yellow recipient's face, on his tongue, in his holes, on his hands, and even that nose of his."
Fuck vocabulary. Just, fuck it.
Actually, knowing Rule 34 there probably already is a porn 粉丝 fiction on the word vocabulary getting fucked.
Again, society. What is wrong with you?
"Spongebob was set off, and he ejaculated all over Squidward's legs, and on the once clean floor."
Can 你 believe I have been trying to find bad 粉丝 fictions in general, but the only bad ones I could find were porn?
Think of it, only 纸杯蛋糕 and Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles go fishing (At least not yet.) Have no porn in them, so what the hell?
I'm now taking suggestions for terrible 粉丝 fictions that aren't porn, HELP ME OUT HERE GUYS. O____O
Can't be that bad right?
Oh no... WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
"He gasped for breath, while panting Squidward's name, excitidly."
Wait... I typed that correct, right? *Checks* Yeah, I did!
So.... 更多 BAD SPELLING NOT FOR THE WIN. >:(
Also, I don't know if I mentioned this yet 或者 not, but often during these 粉丝 fiction reviews the 粉丝 fictions won't let me copy-paste, which not only makes reviewing this harder, (And painful...) But it make me have to check everything and it's the reason some of my episodes aren't done yet.
It's bad enough 阅读 these stories, but it's even worse when I have to type them out on here.
If 你 find a bad 粉丝 fiction that isn't porn, make sure 你 can copy-paste, PLEASE.
Anyways, I think it's time for another refreshing pause! ^___^
And that means.... COMMERCIAL TIME! :D
link
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN COME UP WITH THIS!?
“Where’s Barbie?” Katherine asked when Stefan was standing on the front porch of the Boarding House. She had gotten used to the sight of him with Rebekah.
“She’s out, doing something” Stefan explained vague. “Can I come in?”
Katherine shrugged and let him pass. Stefan turned around. “I’m looking for Elena. Is she here?”
“No, she’s at school. 你 should know that” Katherine 说 uninterested.
“Not anymore she isn’t” Stefan said. “School’s over”
“Then she’s probably at the Grill” Katherine said, a little annoyed. “What do 你 need her for anyway?”
“I want to apologize for what happened last time she came over” Stefan said. “And I want to make sure she’s okay. I mean, I know Rebekah’s blood already left her system 由 now, but still, it must have freaked her out”
He looked at Katherine who stared at some point behind Stefan. Stefan quickly turned around and saw Damon standing in the doorway.
“She’s out, doing something” Stefan explained vague. “Can I come in?”
Katherine shrugged and let him pass. Stefan turned around. “I’m looking for Elena. Is she here?”
“No, she’s at school. 你 should know that” Katherine 说 uninterested.
“Not anymore she isn’t” Stefan said. “School’s over”
“Then she’s probably at the Grill” Katherine said, a little annoyed. “What do 你 need her for anyway?”
“I want to apologize for what happened last time she came over” Stefan said. “And I want to make sure she’s okay. I mean, I know Rebekah’s blood already left her system 由 now, but still, it must have freaked her out”
He looked at Katherine who stared at some point behind Stefan. Stefan quickly turned around and saw Damon standing in the doorway.
Tyler opened his eyes and gasped for air. The night was slowly giving in to the 日 and Tyler was still tied onto that chair.
“Good morning, sunshine” Klaus said, who was sitting in front of him in Indian style. He had a small flask in his left hand. “I hope you’re hungry”
“Can’t 你 just let me go already?” Tyler said, who was having trouble breathing. Blood came streaming from his eyes. What was wrong?
“I can’t let 你 go” Klaus said. “Not before 你 had breakfast” He continued, waving the flask. He scribbled up and opened the flask.
Tyler pressed his lips together, but Klaus easily separated them and poured the blood that was in the flask into his mouth.
“Now 你 won’t be so eager to run off, now will you?” Klaus 说 as he untied Tyler.
“Good morning, sunshine” Klaus said, who was sitting in front of him in Indian style. He had a small flask in his left hand. “I hope you’re hungry”
“Can’t 你 just let me go already?” Tyler said, who was having trouble breathing. Blood came streaming from his eyes. What was wrong?
“I can’t let 你 go” Klaus said. “Not before 你 had breakfast” He continued, waving the flask. He scribbled up and opened the flask.
Tyler pressed his lips together, but Klaus easily separated them and poured the blood that was in the flask into his mouth.
“Now 你 won’t be so eager to run off, now will you?” Klaus 说 as he untied Tyler.
